butt stairs

New Butt Stairs

Atlast, a stair you can pocket your buddy with!!! Chunk your buddys billfold and insert a step. that easy! Great for sports games and high cupboard crawlings. Fun at the apple orchard or anywhere you wanna get high.


Caution: Butt stairs may cause butt stare.

Roughing It

Feel around in the tent, I know your bedside water is somewhere. Be careful for my tinkle potty. Yes, I have one and its next to my sleeping bag and the lid doesn't fasten like it use to. And you sure don't want to mistake it for your bed side water. Urine trouble if you do and you know I had tiny Bass and ranch style beans by the campfire tonight. Aint no way I was going outside the tent to do my stuff tonight as its 2 below.
You find it? I know why you so parched. Its because of all that summer sausage you are eating. Any preserved meat will have loads of salty and dehydrator chemicals as they are used to suck out the decay that naturally should be happening to it. You need to eat fresh river food like that Bass I caught. They were tiny but it is fresh and clean of dehydrators like Alkaline.
Good lord you are freakin. Maybe the tinkle potty is your best option. I know you can drink tinkle if you are hard up. I did it once in the Barcade bathroom with my friend Shane. Not bad, but we had to run to the bar to get some water to wash the pee out of our mouths. You may want to find your bed side water before sucking on my Tinkle Potty.
Alright, shit ill shut my hole. Damn its darker than the La Brea Tar pitts in here. And thinking of which, does that thing really exist? Are there really dinosaurs frozen in time in those tar pits and is that the exact tar we use on our roofs? That politician Hucklbee doesnt believe in Dinosaurs. I wish he wouldd take his foot out his mouth and stick it knee deep in La Brea tar. Hell if its true then that sticky pit is what killed all them Dinos, I bet one by one they all jumped in the same bottomless pit of tar until they were all gone. Just like them suicidal chihuahuas that leap off the cliffs of Mexico because its so hot and there is no water to drink and they have been eating processed kibble with dehydrators. I bet you could relate.
Well good night and good luck. All the water talk made me thirsty. Good thing I got my camel pack pillow i sleep on. I just sleep n suck on the tube like an orphaned cougar sucking on an adopted hog tit. Different strokes for different folks and if a lost cat can digest pig milk then i should just skip the foldable camper cup and just pee in your mouth. Remember, camping is fun when you come prepared.

Nautical Gift Affiliate Program

Dear Snorry the Elf,

Here is my monthly update. I will be sending straight Santa a brand new carton of hermit crabs for stocking stuffers at the end of the week. I hope them kids suffer a good clawing when they finger the hanging socks from the mantle on Christmas. Also, I have a crate full of jelly fish for coating the rubber outfit that Gay Santa wears while trying to slide down them chimneys. I do not have anything for Original Santa but when I f-ing do I'll send it to the old fart. Bitter? Yes, i sound bitter but being the only elf in the Caribbean is terribly tuff and with no lumber to make toys I aint got much to send y'all except what washes ashore. I tried scuba but my little elf legs even with fins do nothing. I just float out to sea like a chubby whale turd. The last time I tried I just about drowned. One of the biggy people had to fish me and my Styrofoam cooler I used as a boat out of the bay before we drifted out to sea. He harpooned several holes in the cooler and my arms in the process, now I cant even paddle around the shore looking for something interesting for presents.

Honestly, I don't think I am cut out for this nautical gift affiliate program I signed up for. It would be better if i had an intern elf or a slow learning biggy person who worked for cheap to help out. Like Karl from Sling Blade sans the craving for fried potatoes as all we have is sea food down here. If you can call Judy from HR and have her contact the SLB (slow learning biggys) and see if there are any Sling Blade Karl's who like fried shrimp with Jerk sauce, then I will take him in and we can use it as a tax write off at the end of year. He can sleep in one of the over turned boats out on the beach at night. During the day i can put a garden hose in his mouth for breathing and he can dive deep to where the gold of the sea is. In his spare time he can work on the Caribbean biggy's broken out board motors as we don't have lawn mower motors down here. I know how them SLB's like a busted 4 stroke engine to keep the mind concentrating on something other than strangling things.
I also need that bitch Miss Claus to make the damn elf hat with the brim. Ive been asking for it since I came down here. I am redder than Rudolph's nose on cocaine, which btw I got a beach load of the stuff if the party reindeer's Bronzer and Splifzen want me to send up some. Its good shit and it had me up till 10am the next morning shooting the shit with a biggie beggar with no legs. We same height when he aint hand walking and he's pretty much my only friend. I guess its because we are both pretty useless around here and can relate to one another. We laffed for like 4 hours on our binge about how I could stand on his shoulders and we could wear a convincing chicken costume. We could work it to make some extra money with tourist photos out by where the cruise ships park. His hands could come out the bottom of the costume and would make pretty convincing chicken legs and feet. Id tie my elf hat off my face to make a nice looking beak. Like the saying goes you have to work with what you got, and all we need is some feathers and a feed sack for the rest of the costume. Send some if you can. Okay, gotta go comb the beach for some more crab crap and shell shit that no one wants.


Bitter and burned,
Lief the Elf A.K.A- The Cocained Chicken of the Caribbean

Idle Bear Poetics VS Busted Bare Digits

Fingerless gloves are poetic indicators of grizzly bear hum songs. This statement may confuse but deem it truth. In Winter, bears hum before hibernation. Its a throaty moan that rumbles a muddied dirt bedroom cave. The humming has a bitch of a pitch that sonor bounces around the chamber sculpting a down comforter of sound wrapping the bear. She loves it and after a few minutes the hum song creates a stillness in the bear that stops all functions of her body. She is now in hibernation. Her fat stores now turn into humming bear feeders.
My fingerless gloves do a great job with warming the middle of my hands. The threads work around my hand and record player needle on my life and love lines on the hand skin like a palm reader DJ. This friction generates a hum that is silent to human ears, yet creates a sonor pitch that stitch blankets of reverberance sheltering finger tips from the cold. Well, this is what I tell myself when my digits are numb. I say "These two fingers are not frozen stiff. They are just hibernating caused by the resonating songs of my love-life hand line stories". What beautiful and kinky story songs they must be indeed. Ill have to try and amplify them for a distraction of happy thoughts while the surgeoun garden shear snips off my fingers from frostbite.
The Hollis Truth:
Fingerless gloves are a joke and so is that "hibernating" bear. Its not nature causing him to sleep like a drunk. Its his lacodazical lazy outlook on life that has caused him to sleep away winter and thus half his life. He couldnt be bothered with it all. Just like the person who sewed up my gloves without finger tips. They just couldn't be bothered with needling a tip stitch to close my gloves I guess. Stuffed teddy bears are cute, stuffed people who sew are food coma-ed and cannot round off a mitt. They dropped the gauntlet on finishing gloves and If I find them im gonna thump em' in the head with my little hurting squirting hand stumps.
Your neglect is seamstressing me out and I can bear-ly sleep at night cuz of the phantom fingers fiddling for more glove coverage! Put that in your smitten kitten mitten covered pipe and smoke it. Your catnapping bong packed with bear poetics is the sad end result as you are clearly to lazy to even inhale my babbles of wisdoms.