Comments from the Patron of the Food

Owner of eating shop,

You expelled some odors upon the dinner.A plume of stink that feather fell from the HVAC upon our courses! It reeked havoc and i would have taken off my socks and stuffed the AC exhaust pipe myself, but i was on a date and i didn't want to show my special one my ankle dirt scars. Odors so bad I nor my companion could finish eating our fried foul meals. I appreciate the time it takes to defeather the foul and baste n simmer and everything, but smells are just as important in culinary preparation as are ingredients. Take these things under close inspection. A person who consumes ye grub Dear Sir should not have to smell ye burned cankerous chicken udder no more! I am very handsome but that does not mean I am a deodorizer of ye establishment. I am merely easy on the eyes and have next to nothing to do with scents. Pardon my intensity but the miasma coming from the duct zapped 3 years off my life. Thank you for your attention.

Patron of the Food

Turkey Journal

Turkey Journal Nov 24-

Thanksgiving was rad. Had an amazing turkey and found a heavenly bite that really captured that Thanksgiving spirit. May keep her around to suck on and see what she's all about. She has a gorgeous build.

Turkey Journal Dec 5-

Sweety lost her flavor. This turkey bite finally lost her taste. I have chewed on it for 12 days. Kept putting turkey bite in petri dish before bed.
I cant even bare to swallow her. She was tender and gorgeous. Now that it is all said and done i may make tiny wig and google eye her front to preserve her in human form. Would be rad to yank a hair out of my head and use it softly to paint little lips on her. She is still damn pretty even though her essence has been suckled out.

Turkey Journal Dec 8-

Decided that maybe its best to coat her skin in urethane to protect her from collecting the stench from my place. The miasma from my pad makes most visitors choke. It must be my shoes next to my brisket bites from Easter. I really need to invest in some odor eaters for my kicks, they could reek run a mile on sheer odor power alone. I should also invest and have Sweety bite immortalized in bronze.A hard metal with a green patina could mimic her natural putrification. My taste buds have salivated a river just handling her.Im gonna search the carcass in the fridge for her sister. Sister will be older and less tender, but Im at a loss here and I need something with a little zesty zing to suck on.

What I Really Want

Wanted: Hot Coffee

For: My Hole

Hi im a plastic bag. A 3 ply Hefty sac. I want hot coffee. You can put it in my hole. I like the coffee to melt my bag sac so trash can empty out onto the street when hired hands fling me to the curb. Ill take spillage from your cup even.You need to make way for cow cream and fake chemical cane sugar for your roasted shredded bean beverage anyway. So go on, dump it in my hole to drip around into my sac lining. Melt my flingy bag!!!! My hole is easy to spot. Its between my cheeks that hold half n halfs, wholes, skims and sugary condiments. Use my cheeks. Use them to sweeten your tall grande vente cup of bean broth. I am at your service. You make me melt!!!! I need a good flinging you caffeinated chugger! Please pour coffee in my hole. I really love it. Why would anyone not enjoy it?

Spiced Poultry Reward Revoked!!!

Hi Daddy, you heard whats for dinner? Well its shake n bake and I didnt help. Mommy mad at me and made me go to my room. I had ear on door listening to her shake and it teared me up bad. Now I know I shouldnt call her this but it peaved me off real bad like, and I called her a bitch. Not to her face of course,but to my hand held mirror. I feel terrible but whatever. I think my sentence was a little harsh and she should have taken away desert or something other than shaking. I live for it Paw, all those secret spices being rubbed on some chicken hind quarters in a bag makes my chubby thighs chuckle a bakers groove. Why take away my shake? I mean I'm a little one and im still trying to figure out how to handle stress. The stress developed when Rebecca Mosely came over and had a new doll. I have a homemade doll made from grannies old hose and your old pillow parts. Eyes are buttons and the mouth is knotted hose. Its naked and dank smelling from when it went puddle swimming when it fell out of the bike basket. I love my dolly shes all I got, but she and I both know she's an awful sight and cannot buddy up with Becca's new gabbage patch. Hers was grown in a patch and is beautiful and came with an adoption card. Mine smells like granny toes and when hugged your dandruff bellows out. Becca calls it a garbage dank kid. So theres my issue daddy. I threw a tantrum for a new dolly, Im sorry. But to take away my shake is cruel and unusual punishment.
I want everyone to know that when you are enjoying your shake n bake chicken tonight, that I will be enjoying cussing n bitching in my mirror. This house hold needs to know Im going to need lots of time getting over this shit. Sorry for saying shit. Can you atleast fetch me out the shake bag from the trash and bring it to me. I can put my dolly in there to shake the dank stank away.

Sweet Tea and Sweet Rebecca

I love Tea and freinds. I think I like tea more but dont tell my best friend Rebecca that, haha. My whole life is either Tea or my sweet pal Rebecca. Tea is something i have been into since I was a wee woman girl living in Russia. Its either tea or becky for me. I still harvest my tea the same generational method but now in NY instead of a field, my plants are in the back alley in a modified dumpster. I grow a sooty looking tea.
The whole process is organic and let me take you through the process. A normal day for me is working my garden grows and helping out Rebecca who the state assigned me to her care. Its a good job and they give me her social security as payment. My day usually starts early. I put on my garden gloves and find a nice tall stalk and pick its buddings and tender tips from my dumpster bushes. Next I lay the leaves on the stoop grates and wither them in the cabbie exhaust then I tend to Rebecca who needs assistance.
The next morning I curl the leaves and ferment them, then I go flip Rebecca cuz she aint able and her eyes are usually stuck to a bag of peas. Around the afternoon hour I grind them tender tips to a fine mixture, then I hoist rebecca out of the deep freeze to thaw out a little bit so she will be ready for tea time. Then about 5 minutes till 4 oclock tea I put the leaves in an old pair of ankle hose and drain dunk our mugs until its a nice gray. We sit and chat and she always needs help. I grab her fancy china cup and force sooty grey in her blue mouth. She enjoys it even though I can be rough sometimes. Im not perfect and helping invalids can really test my nerves. In the hot summer we get along better and I place her cold skinny frame nicely on my lap to keep my parts chill while i drink my hot sooty. After tea i clean up and im so tired, to be honest im pretty rough with Rebecca. I usually just chunk her back in the deep freeze. She dont mind at all. Shes stone cold dead tired too.
Its tough helping invalids. Im real lonely for an old manly looking lady. No body wants me. No body thats warm that is. Warm like good ol smooth sooty.

Heartburn!!!

My doctor said Mylanta, I was like whew thank god. But then he said enamel, I didnt know what to say. And then he said Anal. At that point I got the hell out of there and went fishing.

Automotive Helper

Dear Automotive Helper,

I bought your package of automotive helper out of the JC Whitney catalog. Your product is aimed to fix just about any car malfunction. Ive spent nearly 2 weeks dissolving funghi off the drive shaft and muffler since i pulled the corvair out of the pasteur. Been using the Automotive helper Toullene solvent from the kit and ever since then i vibrate in the evenings. Blurry vision and ive been making mistakes alot. Do You guys at Automotive helper have a product to reverse these signs of death? My human condition is flawed and its a result of the solvent.

Cocerned as shit-

Gourd Decor

Oh babies, It is November and it’s the month for Gourd decorations! Whether they are scattered about homes or bouquet in Cornucopias aka horns of plenty on dining room tables, there is no doubt that gourds are hot this time of year. Now, as we learned earlier in the previous article that a Loofa is a gourd, so feel free to display them alongside your pecans and pumpkins in jubilant place settings . Get creative and fill those loofah holes with nuts, mini squashes, and my favorite, root veges which are particularly eye catching.
Amateur interior designers take note, if you come across a 3-hole loofah as opposed to a 4-holer then you have a lifetime of good luck!!! Its the holy grail of gourds!!! Just like a four-leaf clover or a chunk of albino turkey jerkey, the shit is mad rare and that means luck. If you have stumbled across one then great, it’s a definite centerpiece and don’t even think about putting it under water and scrubbing your filthy dirty skin. That’s disgusting! It would be like TT-ing on your Mamaw’s silk shaw. You are gross. To even think of doing that to Mamaw is absolutely twisted. What in the world is wrong with you!!! I am tearing up now. It is almost THANKSGIVING, one of the best times for home decor and you are ruining it for your whole family. Get a grip my man. Decorate, don’t Desecrate! Love your mate with the animal we ate. It’s a guilt debate I know, but in 98 we all rotate. So there!

Exfoliating Acreage

Holy mole the Loofah is a Gourd! Always thought it was a sea sponge but i have discovered its a plant. The Loofah aka Washrag Gourd is a plant that you can dry out and scrub your body in the galvanized metal wash tub out on that land of yours. You should handsome yourself a handle from one of the many mesquite trees you have and be sure that handle forks off to dangle some real life mistletoe for holiday kissing baths. Once that happens scrubbing your back down low would be filled with joy to the world. Your bathing maid will kiss clean your ass all in the name of Christmas! You lucky son of a gun! You have got everything you need up on that property of yours. A huge Loofah lot with a lifetime of scrubbers and enough mistletoe to hickie cover ur body. I cant believe you got that place for 4k and it was turn key ready to go.

Caught the Big One

Went fishing at the beach. I needed to catch some fish to support my large family. Boy did things go pear shape around my third cast. As the line left and the shrimp on the end of my hook catapulted high, a stork came flying by and snagged up my shrimp in mid air! As I looked up in pissed belief I notice an object barreling right at me . Low and behold if the stork didnt drop the baby he was delivering to some other latino family to snag my bait. I reached up and caught the tanned 10 pounder.
Poor wife gonna kill me when I get home with yet another damn hungry mouth to feed. I may take a note from the Stork and regurgitate up my taco dinner and distribute amongst my hollering pride n joys.

I May Be 8 Years Old But I Know Medicine!!!

That poor duck burped and sneezed at the same time! It ruined his larynx and his quack quack sounds like a muffler with a hole in it. The scientists all came out to see if the duck was being a parrot and was mimicking the motorboats and disrupting the migratory patterns of the other ducks. I notified them of the burp sneeze and told them the only cure was a cough fart combo to relieve the tension on his fowl vocal cord. They looked at me as if I was disrupting science and escorted me off the marsh. I shot them the bird and foot peeled out!
I hauled butt home to get the duck some bean medicine and dig in my little sisters waste basket for a snotty Kleenex. Poor little sis always hacking up something greenish. She produces the main ingredient for the Ducks concoction of viral bean snot rag stew. It cures muffler mouth every time. Makes a person cough toot so hard their eyes sty up.

Marketing Genius in Bad Clothes

I ate a whole box of Cereal in one supper sitting. Im disgusted with myself and that Tony Tiger. Why he got to make flake taste so good? Im bloated and uncomfortable. Im a 43 year-old man with my finger going down my throat like Im some teenage girl who reads the new Marie Claire. That magazine has improved a bunch. Its not so focused on Pop stars and celebrity US magazine crap. The marketing department at MC should just cut out the middleman and just advertise on the Kellogg’s box. Hell maybe even right on the flake or maybe just include a Marie Claire tongue suppressor in the box for aiding in inducing the tummy trim barfs. If that’s the case, Proactiv should work with Mademoiselle and design a vomit remover facial wipe for those pimple pukers.
Im pathetic and I do most of my clothes shopping at Casual Casualties. After reading MC I know I need some skinny jeans now. The stress is causing me to flail around my sewing box looking for a needle n thread. Im tapering my Old Navy cargos from a baggy to a skinny tonight. I’m a complete and total mess.

Universal Knowledge

The sun is bright red face today. The ancients say that when its bright like that its embarrassed for being a naked drunk that ran amok with the bare assed moon and the party gods. Not a good day to lay out or you will get an awful humility tan.

Appetizer Toilet

I have installed my new appetizer toilet in the Kitchen. It sits perfectly right by the breakfast table and matches the rest of my 50’s diner chairs. Its perfect! Nice white ceramic with a bread seat. I just fill the back with Olive oil and toss some calamata olives into the bowl. No need to refill that terra cotta tiny appetiser bowl with extra virgin olive oil. Now, I just sit on my bread seat and tear off a chunk and dip between my legs. Sometimes i grab an olive turd and place it on some torn bread seat, it's tasty.
After about a week when the bread gets moldy i just flush it and bake up a new one. It is so simple to operate and clean up is a breeze. No need for scrubbing bubbles and toilet brushes to clean it. With the appetizer toilet I just grab a french roll and stick it on a wooden spoon and go scrub me up some grub. I got creative recentlty and cut the paper towels in half and stuck them in a TP holder by the salt n pepper shakers. Makes for a dynamic place setting and Frank Loyd would appreciate it’s functionality.
Some day I hope to have a matching desert toilet with a chocolate grahm cracker seat with Strawberry Quik in the tank. Christ, all this thinking out loud has got me concerned about the main course. Can’t see myself sitting on a meatloaf seat with gravy in the tank. Maybe I just saw my oven to table height and move it between my kitchen toilets. Then I can just eat from the pots n pans while the food cooks. Hehehe, that’s fantastic and it smiles up my face cuz I know ive made clean up easier and best of all the food will always stay hot…………….
Still thinking out loud here. I think I can still skip some more steps and make my life better. Now, if I can manage to get a bar of soap to taste like meat then id be set. If that was the case then id never have to clean a dish again. Burb up a bubble and call it a night! Hell, I could just cook soap in bed if there was a pillow burner and id never have to leave my nest again. Even better, I could knock myself in a coma, and shit, Id never have to do squat for the rest of my life. Brilliant efficiency, I love you.

Consumer Review #1

Tom's of Maine apricot deodorant works for about 2 hours. After that the arm pitt fruit smells like burger and i hate it! Its making me fat. I am trying to be a disciplined dieter and stick to salad. Not working when my own body smells like a burger and pulls me into a Fuddruckers. Jesus I love Fuddruckers

Don't Judge Me, I Can't Help It.

I tossed the baby out with the bath water and my grandma out with the dirty dish water. Weak granny needed a sponge bath and nagged me bad cuz i used the dirty dish sponge after cleaning her bacon skillet. I just lost it. Picked her up like a duffel and chunked it. I feel bad but i cant help it. Then the bathing baby got tossed cuz no more tears shampoo doesnt work. Yelling clean infant made my pot boileth over with annoyance and the baby got towel slung and i flung it. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. May that smoke punch around that throat and make you choke it! I cant take youth or elderly wet with water i guess. I havent chunked my pubescent son out with the car wash water yet. But I may if he sprays my eyes again with that Armor All. I may just chamois roll him up and punt it.

Babysitting Abie

Brian-

Abie got tubes in her ears and cant go swimmin without her plugs. Shes also real moody in the mornings and you will need to horsie knee her for a good 20. If she asks for a Bah Bah milk then the formula is in the Pantry. Its by pedyalyte and if you are hungover have some, its chuck full of electrolytes. About noon Abie will need to be laid on stomach and lightly back spanked till she falls for her nap. She may burb spittem so rag her hole. The TV went to pot so she needs to be entertained. I put some entertaining supplies on top of broken tv. Theres a microphone, horse head mask, a bucket and some wooden spoons. She like theatricks so be a good sport and wiggle and giggle up a show. I like to make horse eat from bucket with a spoon and sing a song. She thinks its TV and can watch for hours. Alright, numbers on fridge if anything happens. Help yourself to the Squirt in the garage.

Thanks,
Mrs Burke

I Miss Me Some W.C. Fields

I Miss W.C. Fields. I miss him bad. That guy loved to eat a good meal of pork chops n applesauce with a wash down of whiskey. I miss his red nose and his yargh yargh voice. He was a real man. He was also a clean freak that liked a washing in a tub with stove-warmed kettle of water.
I bet you didn't know what the WC stood for in W.C. Fields. Well guy, it stands for Water Closet. Water Closet Fields, because he loved being in the toilet room eating pork chops n applesauce and pounding his nose hard until he got it that perfect shade of crimson. Afterwards he would pick up his defecation spittoon (pootoon) and dump it in the fields out back. I miss me some W.C. Fields. The man that is, not the fields behind his house. Those fields smelled like shit and actually, I will be thrilled to never see them again.
A horrible story was told to me by W.C.’s chauffer concerning the Water Closet Fields. It seems that the fields caused W.C.’s poor gardener to get a terribly bad bout of E.Coli. W.C.’s chauffer had to drag the fevered gardener to the middle of the street and pop the manhole cover and hold him in a hover over the sewer so he could bottom vomit it all out. This was due to the fact that all of the toilets were backed up from W.C.'s pork chop remnants and all the pootoons were to small for the gardeners waste. That poor gardener could have been hovered out in the field, but that would be like shitting on your own art I suppose.
Later, the gardener turned shit to gold and did something incredible with those nasty Water Closet Fields. He grew spinach as tall as beanstalks from all the nutrients packed in the soiled soil and sold it in easy to use plastic bags. He amassed a huge fortune and the company is still producing E.Coli spinach in a bag today.

Party!!!

Dear Party,


Hiiiii party! Im ready. Got my party pants on and took my hangover cure vitamin B, set my alarm clock, and got me some bedside water waiting for when i drunk look for something to wash down a dry heave. Wooo Hooo! Rubbing hands in excitement because beers n therapy are what is going down tonight! Dear party, can we get smashed and otherwise wasted bitch! WORD! I love you PARTY! Please never leave me. We make a rad couple and you smell like lifestyle condems.

Makin it Happen,
Party Pal

Mom Thong

Dear Swimsuit Illustrated

I saw my mom wearing a thong. She was in the kitchen filling out the grocery list and there it was. Her shirt was hiked up cuz daddy was rubbing her slipped disc back, I guess. She slipped those discs at Sam’s Club lifting cases of Chef Boyardee’s with her back. I know, she needs to lift with her knees but those are shot as well from a varicose vein implosion. I have to say the thong image was an excellent example of what you guys refer to as a whale tail, but it was protruding from her khaki denim mom jeans! No crack was showing which kept my lunch in my stomach thank god.
She called me away from my cartoons to ask what I wanted from the store. I yawn stretched and slumped my way over and turned the corner from the TV room to the kitchen. Then bam, saw the whale tail and gag mouth blurted out a chunky peanut butter request and ran back to toons. The thong has lost all the allure it once had. I loved the thought of it creeping up female crack, but not now it’s lost its magic.
I love your magazine, especially since I cannot buy real porn yet. Like I said the thong is over now. It belongs with Moms. So please Swimsuit Illustrated, please start fading it away. I would like to see models with boy shorts, flat bottom briefs, or hotties with nice low-slung bikini bottoms. Sometimes more is better. Lets hope this fashion craze ends soon and we can yet again return to thong. Im underoo wearing sitting on my feet in my bed thumbing an old issue with a sharpie in hand. Must draw more fabric on model hinny. Can’t wait till next issue. I hope butts got more coverage.

Yours Truly,
Dibrell

Bacon Egg N Cheese on Cold Reality

It's good for ya guy, it is just iceberg lettuce and tomato with soy mayo on whole wheat. This beauty is low in fat and packed with vitamins. Look at what you are having for breakfast. You got scrambled chicken babies with melted curdled milk slab and a couple of slices of salted pig butt. Why dont you wash it down with a tall glass of stuff that squirts out of a Cows saggy knockers.

Greetings From Fly Eye

A fly moan is connected to a meat bone. A meat bone is connected to a dog home and Benji has been fighting that sad fly for that carnaged snack attached to the roof of his house all day.
That fly has been so depressed and I am worried. His 800 all seeing eyeballs are all red like they are about to cry. He wishes he could go back to the maggot years when life was easy and you just rolled around and lived in your decaying food 24/7. Old crying fly has to battle a pooch tongue in order to get a bite of marrow nowadays.

The earth is similar with its scientific fly eye located in Utah. The University of Utah controls the 64 mirrored eye balls that stare into the universe looking for remnants of the big bang. The only thing these university scientists are revealing is that the earth too misses the maggot years. The proof is in the condensation that builds up daily in the bottoms of the drums housing the mirrors. These are earth tears! Scientific gossip (data) has been relayed to me that this virgin unpolluted liquid has been used on many occasions as a mixer in a whiskey and water cocktail. This concotion is used to lubricate geek innards with life libations to drunken a well-educated mind, and for what really? These scientists are worse than a pooch tongue! Just be happy we exist. No need to waste millions trying to figure out why.
Mother earth is very sad. She is being forced to catch a glimpse of what caused the origin of her existence. I too would cry 55-gallon drum loads if someone forced my eyes open so I could watch my parents having explosive sex. My own personal parental big bang happening on a fold out couch.

Mousy Girl Mayhem

Fickle and ferrety sniffingly the mousy girl whiffed a farty smelling scent in her Frigidaire. Scoping through lip smacky morsels and left over partials she eye gazed the culprit. A tenderly ten day aged piece of Saran wrapped porridge. Perplexed at the fact that mousy Monica has never pleasured her palette with porridge she frisbeed the saucer with an icky reflexed shaky arm. The quivers came on strong. These icky quivers roared into a frenzy with head a twisting and tongue ah gaggy. Epileptic and floor flopping Monica floundered free styling forward into the living room quarters. Coffee table top glass became shattered from the icked out mule footed freak out concerning the dilapidated platter. Now bloodied and sore from the glass shard shower she remembered where the poo porridge came from. Handy Man Dan is fond of bland and left his porridge in Frigidaire for fooding future feedings.
Dan brought a panned porridge parcel with him to joint compound repair the wet dampen dry wall. Wet walls make grody gypsum growths that can nauseate a neighbors home. Monica is mad, grossed out and dying. She should have never had let Dan dollop a compound made from a Farina dinner.

Smelly Conjurer

Good god it smells like rectum belch in her trailer! What the F has she been doing in here? She says seancing the under lords but any angel, demon, or ghost She conjure has got to be nose pinched or gas mask wearing. Smells real close to those dirty drawers that circus bear had on that we found behind Barnum’s tent. Heavens, that bear had the runs from that escargot feed the Swede fed him. His poor paw had to be soaked in a Purel bucket after he played in his runny droppings. Oh Shit! I think I see a gas masked apparition over there checking his blood sugar levels. Fucking diabetes is killing the whole damn planet. Makes me gargle tube fart out heart burn just thinking about all the complex sugars in my diet. Funny, It takes a pinched nosed diabetic poltergeist to make me realize I need to switch to brown rice when I eat china food.

Cowboy Discoveries

Hold your horsies, now hold them hard. Jim Blazes whats that on your neck? Oats?

LiveWrong

Lance's arm is strong but his ball is weak. Pumpin hard on a wooden seat he splinters his meat. He packs his swollen pea in blood dope and bike hikes up the Pike. He better yellow bracelet a turnicette until the medic can tweezer pull his spandex open to remove the toothpick sized shard from his overworked solo friend. Coasting down the Fump de Chample' is usually a breeze. Today, going down the hill is a sack race and he only got one hurt ball in and nothing else but dope. Having one strong arm does nothing when you are biking and I doubt his ball can cope.

Titty Town

Plight Listeners,

Pale green bronze sculpture is the 18th nude art in this town. It has a soft painted light patina and depicts a female with muscle relaxer face. Not to be graphic but her breasts are danglers and the city council felt it was appropriate to display her hussiness in front of the courthouse. Im embarrassed of the nudity. It’s everywhere, from in front of the dentist office, to the rollercade, even inside the Wal-Mart in the automotive department. Tell you what, this town loves itself some nude art. Down at Lake Ray Roberts State Park there’s a butt flexing male body bent in a football hut- hut stance hiking pinecones. If that doesn’t gag your mouth a touchdown, then just ten miles down the interstate there is a chain sawed oak depicting a female who’s pregnant and nude standing in front of the bakery holding a cornucopia full of not food, oh no, but containing the very clothes she needs to be putting back on. Fertility is pretty but keep it private and clothed! Because of this birthing baker I have to go way out of my way to fulfill my sugar-tooth fix. Now, I have to drive 25 miles to the rest area where the Cinnebon's is to get me some mediocre if best cinnes.
Lordy, even to mail a package or do anything postal is a chore. Presently, I have to go to the neighboring town of Rosendale because this town has a bronzer party of 4 nude dudes doing cartwheels and flinging mail from their bags in front of the post office. I asked a local foot mailer employee what he thought the 4 tumbling nude men represented. He said "Oh I guess its fellow foot mailers flippin out and having a free day." A free day! Well I say, this Naked city has one too much titty, tush and pube for my taste. Its not safe having naked sin beaming into peoples retinas. Currently, I protect myself by wearing blinders that are outfitted with a biting stick for the nude pain bruising my pupils. Im a zombiefied Helen Keller walking around trying not to turn into salt. Im so uncomfortable being around so many people being comfortable. Henceforth my concerned citizen, I am going out and painting this town red and dressing it in Calico. Please join me at 4; I will be in the khaki LeSabre outside the fabric store across the street from the nasty pregnant bakers. Wear your blinders and your painting clothes.

Yours Truly,
Miss Dita Von Teese

Buckler Baby

Baby got baby fat and a beer belly. His frat boy Daddy thinks it real cute to put Buckler non-alcoholic beer in his baba and to parade him around during rush week. Newborn has Prada shades and a toga on. He’s being pulled in a wagon around the keg “pony ride” style by his golden retriever dressed in a bandanna and wearing paw sized flip flops. Baby threw up beer and called his mommy a MILF. It pains me to see this and when I went to put a stop to it his little arm extended up and his index finger and thumb formed a loser L against his forehead. I told him to cut it out. At that point the same chubby index finger went above his lip exposing a mustache tattoo ~. Baby's on a bender so I am backing off.

To Have One Thing In Life

I've been here for over an hour scouring the baking needs aisle at my local grocery store, Handy Andy. They have plenty of powdered paper bagged containers of All Porpoise Flour, but not a single bag of One Purpose Flour. That’s the main ingredient to the purpose I am preparing tonight! It's the tastiest porpoise I make and it’s mixed so chaotically and harmfully that I need a harness with a 4-foot dangle rope so I can levitate from the ceiling. This enables me to cowboy ride around on my sit-down mixer in the 55-gallon drum of porpoise parts. The last time I had a purpose it literally included my blood, sweat and tears not to mention plenty of spit drool, for I like to bite my rolled tongue outside of my mouth allowing an egress for my endeavor spit-um to mad dash escape.
Lord, to finally have porpoise in my life and to prepare it all by myself in my kitchen is an achievement, and I can be rest assured that there will be plenty of left over purpose to last me the next couple of months. I love having porpoise! This Handy Andy whoever he is needs to carry essential ingredients for people like me who only have one purpose in life. That purpose is porpoise.

Cmon Now, I Cant Work Like This!

Mrs Reeves,


I stepped in droppings outside of your cube. This is an office and you need to keep your bird at home.

Dan Daley
Operations Coordinator
Lillian Vernon Catalog Inc.
510-351-7654
Dand@lillianvernon.com

Thinking of You's

Every One of Yous,

We was thinking about you last night. In our vision we had a megaphone handled sword and two fake Ten Commandments foam rock tablets. We wanted you in our living room so we could lecture yell and stabb you for each commandment you broke. Dont mess with sin my friend.


-The Blue Haired Elderly.

Pitiful Pearl

Pearl,

I ran out of the house with the raid spraying your old Sunday wig. It was late and I didnt realize it was your nice hair until I was underneath the porch light. You must be frozen in a surprise face right now, but listen. I awoke from my nightly nap and went for a pee. Eyes were being fist rubbed and penis was tinkling and there it was in front of me. I swear to god it was some devil creature from mother Africa. I germ hand grabbed it and TT drip sprinted out the screen door. There I drenched that do bad with flying insect spray and lit it up. Its no longer suitable for Sundays, and I wouldnt wear it any other day of the week either. But hey, Brenda is going to help me and do her best to collect some barbershop hair and glue it to my cafeteria hair net i use at the school. It may not look as pretty as your brunette painted cabbage leaf with hay hair wig but it should work for now.
Sorry I killed your do. If it makes you feel any better im gonna pop a sugar pill and get paralydic until your fury blows over. Im sorry, but I truly need a narcotic in my tonic. Im still fighting your hair in my head.

Brother Gil

Wheelies!!!

Wheelies are rad Bro. I could watch a wheelie on a BMX, Motorcycle, ATV, and even a 4 wheeled Shriner car. Its the ultimate fucking hey look at me statement. If it was possible to wheelie then fly off in a roundhouse kick I think id explode. Id love to chain my ass with bungee and secure it to a tree. Then wheelie off the edge of the grand canyon. Fill the Bike with buckets of wildflower seeds so when the impact occurred I could go back years later and see the impact zone, which is now beautified with blue bonnets and forget me nots.


Hey Babble readers, Ill be away for about a week. The babbling brook will flow when I return. I love all 3 of you. Los Laters Readers.

Romantic Headset Tutorial

Soft circles in the sand with the tree limb please. If you are going to enjoy this romantic walk you you must draw in the sand slowly and calmly. You are a wad of energy and stress. Flinging tree limb in a radical fast jerky state is not pleasing to anybody. Your red embarrassed face proves to me the extent which you are trying, but if you don't chill out your Nookems will leave you. Okay, offer her your button up sweater, the chilly sea air is makin her shakey. There you go stroke her sides, YES, warm up the nooky! Okay you are smothering her. STOP gyrating shes a fragile twig! OH MY! Okay use you button up and tie her to some rocks under the sea. Hopefully the fishes will give her the tiny careful pleasure your sweet Nooky desired.

Routines

Been working hard on a new routine. My Suzys have really been a savior. Knees are flinging up and getting my heart rate going. I'm free and sweaty. Not thinking about bills or cheating wife. Everything focused on routine. The myriad of details are insane. I start with 2 1/2 hours of Suzys with a subtle butt slap to check and make sure big ass billfold aint flying from wind-short pocket. Next is a cabbage patch move with my nails digging deep scratching into my chest. Dancing beast I am. Lots of emotion in my dance.
Hip Hop tunes is not an avenue I want to go down with this routine. I need a killer, maybe just a whistle jam I record myself on a cassette. Yeah, a whistle jam will do good during my 30 minute horse trot flash dance run in place step. Weeninny sounds like a horse as my hands make a megaphone to amplify a hay eating colt. Then for the grand finale,30 minutes of a heart pounding gallop with massive billfold checking ass slaps.

Philadelphia Plight

Liberty bell fell and shattered to pieces last week. The hemp rope held it for nearly 300 years and then just got fed up and disintegrated. Whose job was it to monitor the rope? You cant expect the Jamaican janitor to give a shit about it. He would enjoy the fact that it was hemp but thats about it. Shit maybe he smoked it. Anyway,you would think that after it fell once and got that big crack on the side that made it famous, that the historical society would be on top of things. The Bell has lost all its glory and now it a rubble ruin. Sads me up bad to see "The Freedom Fragments" being displayed in 3 shoe boxes and a bucket for Christ sakes. Its new name is the Containers of Equal Opportunity .
Im all for melting potting it down and making something useful out of it, like a bronze community tobacco spittoon for the town square. It will be the Cuspidor of Independence! The Liberty Spitter! People can make a wish and leave an offering of chewed chew. No rope is needed and a couple of guys can dump it once a week in the Vietnam Veterans Koi pond. I got a Charter for the chew chalice if you would like to sign.

Life Changes

Girl you'll be a woman soon. At that point you need to get rid of your terra cota nurse shoes and your pom pom socks.

Baby Chair

Chair keeps ass off ground. Keeps jeans clean and at times can be used to get foodings out from high shelf in cupboard. Crack in chair grabs ass n pants and when body stands up chair comes with. Wherever I go I have a chair. Crack grip is strong and chair is like a backpack for butt. We have a special bond and chair is like little monkey baby and my cheeks are his gorilla mammas lactating breasts.

The World is Yelly and Tissied Over the Cost of Oil

I don’t know what the big deal is with everyone
freaking out on the price of a Barrel of Oil.
I drive everyday, and I put about 6 quarts a year
in the Buick. It costs me 30 bucks a year, tops.
It is really is no big deal.Also, the price is
like 76 dollars for an oil barrel and all countrymen
and world inhabitants are just raving mad. Too me
it seems about right because I have priced just the barrel or
what they call a 55-gallon drum and it alone is 50 dollars. The oil
industries, I am sure, get the drums wholesale.
So lets say they spend about 25 dollars on a bargain barrel.
Well the rest my friends is oil. Oil is a liquid made from
extinct animals. These animals ate plants and other
animals during their life span then died and we put
their liquid remains in cast metal engines to lubricate
the friction hot parts that make a Buick go. Sounds
creepy and guess what,it is.

Lets get Wallmart on this issue. I say we have a store where
you can purchase an actual barrel. I figure 4 quarts in a gallon,
and I use around 6 quarts a year. Then a full 55-gallon of barrel
oil will last me most of my life. Hell, the store could tack on
an additional 25 dollars per barrel drum and it would still be a
beneficial purchase. We could even go a step further and make the
barrel out of plastic or waxed cardboard like an ice cream
gallon bucket. This would be way cheaper, and the price for
a Barrel of Oil would be lowered for sure. This would quiet the
world’s mouth, and maybe we could pay more attention to the
animals around us and think about what other ways we can
use their remains. Take for instance those foreign Whalers.
They are on to something by turning that stinky whale blubber
into pricey good smellin parfumes and eau’s de toilettes.

Sleep Scale

Standard whistle has a pitch of 10. Your snore whistle clocks in at if a dare say it 25. Damn nostril belts a pitch loud enuff to penetrate sheetrock, putty and paint! Petrified of sleep. Sandman soft shoes out my door now. Hes waving his hanky and even he now has luggage under eye and cry face on. He bindlestiffed up a polka dotted napkin and tied it to a mop handle. Hes jumping a train to the neighbors house to tap dance Becky and Tina to a holiday siesta. Corona anyone?

Water Friend

Fluoridation Dept,

Water is cleaning my teeth! They say thanks to you and i appresh. I did nothing to deserve this gesture. I feel like I should clean something of yours to return the favor, so i did. You may notice the filtration machine is sounding better and the UV light to kill bacteria is now a normal bulb. Well last night when I was bleaching the outside of the cast iron pipe line i short circuited the UV lamp and shattered the bulb. Broke out of building and ran to 24hr Home Depot and could only get a grow light. Look into this because no telling what is growing in water now. Maybe beneficial growth. Maybe life threatening bacteria. Who knows but i didnt do any studies for it because we both know that cleaning is a top priority in our fields. A clean mouth and facility is A+, right?

Cleaner and drinker of water-

Always Wet and Dank

You feel fine today? Cuz I feel damp, real soaked and dank like but theres no liquid
on me.
My senses are dull this morning, I guess.
I went to brush my teeth only to encounter my mouth was full of last nights dinner.
I think it was chicken salad, I actually couldn't tell cuz I woke up in my half brother's mother's glasses and wearing my step dads dirty laundry.
I sleep in my grandmothers room and the lights stay off while I get ready for school cuz my whole brother and pappy sleep.
They work the night shift real good.
They work it so good that the boss man has them doing it 7 days a week.
My neck has a very painful crick in it from sleeping in the twin size that's become my familys hamper.
I think I blanketed up in somebody's moistened night shift suit.
Thus my plight of having the constant damps.

Tucking Carter

Felix,

Was at the station the other day and i thought of you. Your baggin mouth and your high step shoes always got me hot. Put a stride in my pant. Well ill swing by the store some time and chat you up. I think you do a good job managing the piece of shit. shucks i wish we were closer. Im neckin some dude named Carter now. Hes one upped me in the tube sock tuckin and thats always a plus. Minnie from accounts payable got in alot of Cheese spread and Nan bread from the big meeting so im gonna run.

Ty

Barrel Dump Blower

Dude in Barrel floating off waterfall is my favorite image to think about when Im in the dumps. Wow, that is crazy you know, a Dude inside a barrel tossing around flipping about. That guy needs to be well liquored up and wearing clean johns for that stunt. Preparation would be nada. You just flip inside barrel. Waterfall engulfs the keg and pops it up and catches the woodened drunk in her soft water body. Splinter-faced stunt man doing stumbling choreography as he exits his craft. Belly up to the bar boy! You need to celebrate blowing everybody’s mind, and you did it intoxicated! Champion!

Drive Thru Banking

Pretend you are crying when I pull into the money sucking stall. Im gonna vacumm over my paycheck and you sob like an infant into the mic. Ill say, "Can you send back a handfull of balloons and pens for my baby princess?" Then we split the loot and haul ass out of town.

Lake Placid RV Park

Dear Lake Placid RV Park-

Ive hauled the mobile off your land. Septic tank blew a nozzle and flooded up into the sink, tub, toilet and then some. Carpet soaked with muddy fecal and pee. Ths gaseous noxious air i was breathing made me peter out on the community bench out by the pool. Woke up and little Steven Dorsey had felt the need to mash salted toasted peanut roll onto my face. Due to the circumstances I cannot pay for last months rent. Replacing nozzles and rippin fecal carpet for the next couple of weeks down at the rest stop by exit 18. Should return in a month or so.

Brent Bannes Spot 10A

The Big Meeting

Rockson,

In regards to your request, I agree. Ill prepackage the preping materials and run to the printer for the leaflets. If by any means you cause me drama i will not pick them up. You must calm down or you will jeapordize this meeting. To cut cost which i know you are freaking out about, ill prepare your lunch. I will marinade the chicken in a FedEx plastic letter bag and put all the knives n forks, salt n pepper in the parcel pouch. Everything will be in one neat BBQ package so you wont lose anything. Also, all of your note cards I have arranged by the date you met each client so it will be better for your whacked out brain to find. Good luck and call the land line if you need anything.

Georgain

GPA .04

Im pretty tired but I know I have to keep going. Must learn as much
poetry and math before tomorrow’s finals. The sum of two wholes is
not what thou shall fraction, but if you are prime then it is time to
party in the negative and get sum shut eye to the 3rd power guy. A
real heavy sleep multiplied by a decimal will empty my rest and I
will be back to the square root of the problem. Tired and non
studied. A slumber party on top of a test is hard but my future
holds a drool above a number 2 pencil and a bakers dozen of scantrons.
I pity myself 10 fold and if Johnny arrives at lunch with 4 sodas and
I drink 2.5 I might possibly be awake enuff to find that Robert
Frost's forest road that absolutely no one took. And that has made all
the difference. Im lost in the damn woods with no direction.

Dinner Lake

I planted it in the Mix. The odd subliminal product placement provided by the lottery winning feral child is slide under the smoking hot salsa vocals. There's a good layer of reverb and skunk on the back-masking making the unconscious mind pick up the subtle advertising. This is the oddest ad we have ever juxtaposed in a song. I know the feral child was raised by a pack of rabid Dingoes and the boy is foamy mouth and insane. But to direct the listener to bury a hambone in the waterin hole is whacked. Millions are gonna head to the lake to dinner dig cuz this is a solid gold record for sure. Especially with the drippy beats curling up on that acid jazz trip hip tip. I also can’t take another think tank session with feral freak anymore. You know he likes a warm lap to curl up and sleep on, and my lap is the hottest cuz of my boiling thyroid.

I See The Light and It Is Burning

Monocles,

Where have you been all these years? I can't tell you how relieved I am to finally have an outlet to purchase monocles. Most of my life I have had to make my own by snipping a pair of glasses and the lenses never fit good in my socket. Eye muscles had to strain real hard keeping it in. My request to you is this, please market a monocle shade! I find my eyes get burned when Im signing my bill by the pool at the club.

Ta Ta For Now,

Esquire Hon

Critter Creek Chaos

The extra terrestrial otters floated past me at eye level in my living room. They were transparent and congregated in packs of 8. The violent deaths these creatures endured was apparent in their appearance. For instance, most were coated in motor oil and others were bear toothed. They backstroked and chest cracked ghost shells into the kitchen and vanished in my pantry. Chasing them with curiosity I tripped over a poltergeist beaver dam destroying it. This critters death was more gruesome. Pissed off translucent animal trap bloodied faced beaver used tail and manuvered glowing logs into a pile of reconstruction. He communicated to me in sign language that he was damming up the flow of money filling the pockets of the mafia who built my dilapidated haunted shelter. My anxiety increased as I realized i was in the middle of a no win battle with the mob and the ethereal creek bed pose.

Bird Calls

As birds in Wales have adopted the rings of cell phones as their mating calls, it's been documented that Southside L.A. mosquitoes have been found communicating by gang signs. These insects also appear to suck blood in a sideways headtilt much like the way gang land thugs hold a glock. The vegetable Bok Choy has commented on these findings by stating that if the insect world doesn't put a stop to this behavior then the vegetable world will have to counter attack and learn to communicate by brail. As a person who speaks fluent brail and reads novels written in gang signs, I champion these announcements with glee.