What I Really Want

Wanted: Hot Coffee

For: My Hole

Hi im a plastic bag. A 3 ply Hefty sac. I want hot coffee. You can put it in my hole. I like the coffee to melt my bag sac so trash can empty out onto the street when hired hands fling me to the curb. Ill take spillage from your cup even.You need to make way for cow cream and fake chemical cane sugar for your roasted shredded bean beverage anyway. So go on, dump it in my hole to drip around into my sac lining. Melt my flingy bag!!!! My hole is easy to spot. Its between my cheeks that hold half n halfs, wholes, skims and sugary condiments. Use my cheeks. Use them to sweeten your tall grande vente cup of bean broth. I am at your service. You make me melt!!!! I need a good flinging you caffeinated chugger! Please pour coffee in my hole. I really love it. Why would anyone not enjoy it?

Spiced Poultry Reward Revoked!!!

Hi Daddy, you heard whats for dinner? Well its shake n bake and I didnt help. Mommy mad at me and made me go to my room. I had ear on door listening to her shake and it teared me up bad. Now I know I shouldnt call her this but it peaved me off real bad like, and I called her a bitch. Not to her face of course,but to my hand held mirror. I feel terrible but whatever. I think my sentence was a little harsh and she should have taken away desert or something other than shaking. I live for it Paw, all those secret spices being rubbed on some chicken hind quarters in a bag makes my chubby thighs chuckle a bakers groove. Why take away my shake? I mean I'm a little one and im still trying to figure out how to handle stress. The stress developed when Rebecca Mosely came over and had a new doll. I have a homemade doll made from grannies old hose and your old pillow parts. Eyes are buttons and the mouth is knotted hose. Its naked and dank smelling from when it went puddle swimming when it fell out of the bike basket. I love my dolly shes all I got, but she and I both know she's an awful sight and cannot buddy up with Becca's new gabbage patch. Hers was grown in a patch and is beautiful and came with an adoption card. Mine smells like granny toes and when hugged your dandruff bellows out. Becca calls it a garbage dank kid. So theres my issue daddy. I threw a tantrum for a new dolly, Im sorry. But to take away my shake is cruel and unusual punishment.
I want everyone to know that when you are enjoying your shake n bake chicken tonight, that I will be enjoying cussing n bitching in my mirror. This house hold needs to know Im going to need lots of time getting over this shit. Sorry for saying shit. Can you atleast fetch me out the shake bag from the trash and bring it to me. I can put my dolly in there to shake the dank stank away.

Sweet Tea and Sweet Rebecca

I love Tea and freinds. I think I like tea more but dont tell my best friend Rebecca that, haha. My whole life is either Tea or my sweet pal Rebecca. Tea is something i have been into since I was a wee woman girl living in Russia. Its either tea or becky for me. I still harvest my tea the same generational method but now in NY instead of a field, my plants are in the back alley in a modified dumpster. I grow a sooty looking tea.
The whole process is organic and let me take you through the process. A normal day for me is working my garden grows and helping out Rebecca who the state assigned me to her care. Its a good job and they give me her social security as payment. My day usually starts early. I put on my garden gloves and find a nice tall stalk and pick its buddings and tender tips from my dumpster bushes. Next I lay the leaves on the stoop grates and wither them in the cabbie exhaust then I tend to Rebecca who needs assistance.
The next morning I curl the leaves and ferment them, then I go flip Rebecca cuz she aint able and her eyes are usually stuck to a bag of peas. Around the afternoon hour I grind them tender tips to a fine mixture, then I hoist rebecca out of the deep freeze to thaw out a little bit so she will be ready for tea time. Then about 5 minutes till 4 oclock tea I put the leaves in an old pair of ankle hose and drain dunk our mugs until its a nice gray. We sit and chat and she always needs help. I grab her fancy china cup and force sooty grey in her blue mouth. She enjoys it even though I can be rough sometimes. Im not perfect and helping invalids can really test my nerves. In the hot summer we get along better and I place her cold skinny frame nicely on my lap to keep my parts chill while i drink my hot sooty. After tea i clean up and im so tired, to be honest im pretty rough with Rebecca. I usually just chunk her back in the deep freeze. She dont mind at all. Shes stone cold dead tired too.
Its tough helping invalids. Im real lonely for an old manly looking lady. No body wants me. No body thats warm that is. Warm like good ol smooth sooty.

Heartburn!!!

My doctor said Mylanta, I was like whew thank god. But then he said enamel, I didnt know what to say. And then he said Anal. At that point I got the hell out of there and went fishing.

Automotive Helper

Dear Automotive Helper,

I bought your package of automotive helper out of the JC Whitney catalog. Your product is aimed to fix just about any car malfunction. Ive spent nearly 2 weeks dissolving funghi off the drive shaft and muffler since i pulled the corvair out of the pasteur. Been using the Automotive helper Toullene solvent from the kit and ever since then i vibrate in the evenings. Blurry vision and ive been making mistakes alot. Do You guys at Automotive helper have a product to reverse these signs of death? My human condition is flawed and its a result of the solvent.

Cocerned as shit-

Gourd Decor

Oh babies, It is November and it’s the month for Gourd decorations! Whether they are scattered about homes or bouquet in Cornucopias aka horns of plenty on dining room tables, there is no doubt that gourds are hot this time of year. Now, as we learned earlier in the previous article that a Loofa is a gourd, so feel free to display them alongside your pecans and pumpkins in jubilant place settings . Get creative and fill those loofah holes with nuts, mini squashes, and my favorite, root veges which are particularly eye catching.
Amateur interior designers take note, if you come across a 3-hole loofah as opposed to a 4-holer then you have a lifetime of good luck!!! Its the holy grail of gourds!!! Just like a four-leaf clover or a chunk of albino turkey jerkey, the shit is mad rare and that means luck. If you have stumbled across one then great, it’s a definite centerpiece and don’t even think about putting it under water and scrubbing your filthy dirty skin. That’s disgusting! It would be like TT-ing on your Mamaw’s silk shaw. You are gross. To even think of doing that to Mamaw is absolutely twisted. What in the world is wrong with you!!! I am tearing up now. It is almost THANKSGIVING, one of the best times for home decor and you are ruining it for your whole family. Get a grip my man. Decorate, don’t Desecrate! Love your mate with the animal we ate. It’s a guilt debate I know, but in 98 we all rotate. So there!