Cowboy Discoveries

Hold your horsies, now hold them hard. Jim Blazes whats that on your neck? Oats?

LiveWrong

Lance's arm is strong but his ball is weak. Pumpin hard on a wooden seat he splinters his meat. He packs his swollen pea in blood dope and bike hikes up the Pike. He better yellow bracelet a turnicette until the medic can tweezer pull his spandex open to remove the toothpick sized shard from his overworked solo friend. Coasting down the Fump de Chample' is usually a breeze. Today, going down the hill is a sack race and he only got one hurt ball in and nothing else but dope. Having one strong arm does nothing when you are biking and I doubt his ball can cope.

Titty Town

Plight Listeners,

Pale green bronze sculpture is the 18th nude art in this town. It has a soft painted light patina and depicts a female with muscle relaxer face. Not to be graphic but her breasts are danglers and the city council felt it was appropriate to display her hussiness in front of the courthouse. Im embarrassed of the nudity. It’s everywhere, from in front of the dentist office, to the rollercade, even inside the Wal-Mart in the automotive department. Tell you what, this town loves itself some nude art. Down at Lake Ray Roberts State Park there’s a butt flexing male body bent in a football hut- hut stance hiking pinecones. If that doesn’t gag your mouth a touchdown, then just ten miles down the interstate there is a chain sawed oak depicting a female who’s pregnant and nude standing in front of the bakery holding a cornucopia full of not food, oh no, but containing the very clothes she needs to be putting back on. Fertility is pretty but keep it private and clothed! Because of this birthing baker I have to go way out of my way to fulfill my sugar-tooth fix. Now, I have to drive 25 miles to the rest area where the Cinnebon's is to get me some mediocre if best cinnes.
Lordy, even to mail a package or do anything postal is a chore. Presently, I have to go to the neighboring town of Rosendale because this town has a bronzer party of 4 nude dudes doing cartwheels and flinging mail from their bags in front of the post office. I asked a local foot mailer employee what he thought the 4 tumbling nude men represented. He said "Oh I guess its fellow foot mailers flippin out and having a free day." A free day! Well I say, this Naked city has one too much titty, tush and pube for my taste. Its not safe having naked sin beaming into peoples retinas. Currently, I protect myself by wearing blinders that are outfitted with a biting stick for the nude pain bruising my pupils. Im a zombiefied Helen Keller walking around trying not to turn into salt. Im so uncomfortable being around so many people being comfortable. Henceforth my concerned citizen, I am going out and painting this town red and dressing it in Calico. Please join me at 4; I will be in the khaki LeSabre outside the fabric store across the street from the nasty pregnant bakers. Wear your blinders and your painting clothes.

Yours Truly,
Miss Dita Von Teese

Buckler Baby

Baby got baby fat and a beer belly. His frat boy Daddy thinks it real cute to put Buckler non-alcoholic beer in his baba and to parade him around during rush week. Newborn has Prada shades and a toga on. He’s being pulled in a wagon around the keg “pony ride” style by his golden retriever dressed in a bandanna and wearing paw sized flip flops. Baby threw up beer and called his mommy a MILF. It pains me to see this and when I went to put a stop to it his little arm extended up and his index finger and thumb formed a loser L against his forehead. I told him to cut it out. At that point the same chubby index finger went above his lip exposing a mustache tattoo ~. Baby's on a bender so I am backing off.

To Have One Thing In Life

I've been here for over an hour scouring the baking needs aisle at my local grocery store, Handy Andy. They have plenty of powdered paper bagged containers of All Porpoise Flour, but not a single bag of One Purpose Flour. That’s the main ingredient to the purpose I am preparing tonight! It's the tastiest porpoise I make and it’s mixed so chaotically and harmfully that I need a harness with a 4-foot dangle rope so I can levitate from the ceiling. This enables me to cowboy ride around on my sit-down mixer in the 55-gallon drum of porpoise parts. The last time I had a purpose it literally included my blood, sweat and tears not to mention plenty of spit drool, for I like to bite my rolled tongue outside of my mouth allowing an egress for my endeavor spit-um to mad dash escape.
Lord, to finally have porpoise in my life and to prepare it all by myself in my kitchen is an achievement, and I can be rest assured that there will be plenty of left over purpose to last me the next couple of months. I love having porpoise! This Handy Andy whoever he is needs to carry essential ingredients for people like me who only have one purpose in life. That purpose is porpoise.

Cmon Now, I Cant Work Like This!

Mrs Reeves,


I stepped in droppings outside of your cube. This is an office and you need to keep your bird at home.

Dan Daley
Operations Coordinator
Lillian Vernon Catalog Inc.
510-351-7654
Dand@lillianvernon.com

Thinking of You's

Every One of Yous,

We was thinking about you last night. In our vision we had a megaphone handled sword and two fake Ten Commandments foam rock tablets. We wanted you in our living room so we could lecture yell and stabb you for each commandment you broke. Dont mess with sin my friend.


-The Blue Haired Elderly.

Pitiful Pearl

Pearl,

I ran out of the house with the raid spraying your old Sunday wig. It was late and I didnt realize it was your nice hair until I was underneath the porch light. You must be frozen in a surprise face right now, but listen. I awoke from my nightly nap and went for a pee. Eyes were being fist rubbed and penis was tinkling and there it was in front of me. I swear to god it was some devil creature from mother Africa. I germ hand grabbed it and TT drip sprinted out the screen door. There I drenched that do bad with flying insect spray and lit it up. Its no longer suitable for Sundays, and I wouldnt wear it any other day of the week either. But hey, Brenda is going to help me and do her best to collect some barbershop hair and glue it to my cafeteria hair net i use at the school. It may not look as pretty as your brunette painted cabbage leaf with hay hair wig but it should work for now.
Sorry I killed your do. If it makes you feel any better im gonna pop a sugar pill and get paralydic until your fury blows over. Im sorry, but I truly need a narcotic in my tonic. Im still fighting your hair in my head.

Brother Gil

Wheelies!!!

Wheelies are rad Bro. I could watch a wheelie on a BMX, Motorcycle, ATV, and even a 4 wheeled Shriner car. Its the ultimate fucking hey look at me statement. If it was possible to wheelie then fly off in a roundhouse kick I think id explode. Id love to chain my ass with bungee and secure it to a tree. Then wheelie off the edge of the grand canyon. Fill the Bike with buckets of wildflower seeds so when the impact occurred I could go back years later and see the impact zone, which is now beautified with blue bonnets and forget me nots.


Hey Babble readers, Ill be away for about a week. The babbling brook will flow when I return. I love all 3 of you. Los Laters Readers.

Romantic Headset Tutorial

Soft circles in the sand with the tree limb please. If you are going to enjoy this romantic walk you you must draw in the sand slowly and calmly. You are a wad of energy and stress. Flinging tree limb in a radical fast jerky state is not pleasing to anybody. Your red embarrassed face proves to me the extent which you are trying, but if you don't chill out your Nookems will leave you. Okay, offer her your button up sweater, the chilly sea air is makin her shakey. There you go stroke her sides, YES, warm up the nooky! Okay you are smothering her. STOP gyrating shes a fragile twig! OH MY! Okay use you button up and tie her to some rocks under the sea. Hopefully the fishes will give her the tiny careful pleasure your sweet Nooky desired.

Routines

Been working hard on a new routine. My Suzys have really been a savior. Knees are flinging up and getting my heart rate going. I'm free and sweaty. Not thinking about bills or cheating wife. Everything focused on routine. The myriad of details are insane. I start with 2 1/2 hours of Suzys with a subtle butt slap to check and make sure big ass billfold aint flying from wind-short pocket. Next is a cabbage patch move with my nails digging deep scratching into my chest. Dancing beast I am. Lots of emotion in my dance.
Hip Hop tunes is not an avenue I want to go down with this routine. I need a killer, maybe just a whistle jam I record myself on a cassette. Yeah, a whistle jam will do good during my 30 minute horse trot flash dance run in place step. Weeninny sounds like a horse as my hands make a megaphone to amplify a hay eating colt. Then for the grand finale,30 minutes of a heart pounding gallop with massive billfold checking ass slaps.

Philadelphia Plight

Liberty bell fell and shattered to pieces last week. The hemp rope held it for nearly 300 years and then just got fed up and disintegrated. Whose job was it to monitor the rope? You cant expect the Jamaican janitor to give a shit about it. He would enjoy the fact that it was hemp but thats about it. Shit maybe he smoked it. Anyway,you would think that after it fell once and got that big crack on the side that made it famous, that the historical society would be on top of things. The Bell has lost all its glory and now it a rubble ruin. Sads me up bad to see "The Freedom Fragments" being displayed in 3 shoe boxes and a bucket for Christ sakes. Its new name is the Containers of Equal Opportunity .
Im all for melting potting it down and making something useful out of it, like a bronze community tobacco spittoon for the town square. It will be the Cuspidor of Independence! The Liberty Spitter! People can make a wish and leave an offering of chewed chew. No rope is needed and a couple of guys can dump it once a week in the Vietnam Veterans Koi pond. I got a Charter for the chew chalice if you would like to sign.

Life Changes

Girl you'll be a woman soon. At that point you need to get rid of your terra cota nurse shoes and your pom pom socks.

Baby Chair

Chair keeps ass off ground. Keeps jeans clean and at times can be used to get foodings out from high shelf in cupboard. Crack in chair grabs ass n pants and when body stands up chair comes with. Wherever I go I have a chair. Crack grip is strong and chair is like a backpack for butt. We have a special bond and chair is like little monkey baby and my cheeks are his gorilla mammas lactating breasts.

The World is Yelly and Tissied Over the Cost of Oil

I don’t know what the big deal is with everyone
freaking out on the price of a Barrel of Oil.
I drive everyday, and I put about 6 quarts a year
in the Buick. It costs me 30 bucks a year, tops.
It is really is no big deal.Also, the price is
like 76 dollars for an oil barrel and all countrymen
and world inhabitants are just raving mad. Too me
it seems about right because I have priced just the barrel or
what they call a 55-gallon drum and it alone is 50 dollars. The oil
industries, I am sure, get the drums wholesale.
So lets say they spend about 25 dollars on a bargain barrel.
Well the rest my friends is oil. Oil is a liquid made from
extinct animals. These animals ate plants and other
animals during their life span then died and we put
their liquid remains in cast metal engines to lubricate
the friction hot parts that make a Buick go. Sounds
creepy and guess what,it is.

Lets get Wallmart on this issue. I say we have a store where
you can purchase an actual barrel. I figure 4 quarts in a gallon,
and I use around 6 quarts a year. Then a full 55-gallon of barrel
oil will last me most of my life. Hell, the store could tack on
an additional 25 dollars per barrel drum and it would still be a
beneficial purchase. We could even go a step further and make the
barrel out of plastic or waxed cardboard like an ice cream
gallon bucket. This would be way cheaper, and the price for
a Barrel of Oil would be lowered for sure. This would quiet the
world’s mouth, and maybe we could pay more attention to the
animals around us and think about what other ways we can
use their remains. Take for instance those foreign Whalers.
They are on to something by turning that stinky whale blubber
into pricey good smellin parfumes and eau’s de toilettes.

Sleep Scale

Standard whistle has a pitch of 10. Your snore whistle clocks in at if a dare say it 25. Damn nostril belts a pitch loud enuff to penetrate sheetrock, putty and paint! Petrified of sleep. Sandman soft shoes out my door now. Hes waving his hanky and even he now has luggage under eye and cry face on. He bindlestiffed up a polka dotted napkin and tied it to a mop handle. Hes jumping a train to the neighbors house to tap dance Becky and Tina to a holiday siesta. Corona anyone?