Exfoliating Acreage

Holy mole the Loofah is a Gourd! Always thought it was a sea sponge but i have discovered its a plant. The Loofah aka Washrag Gourd is a plant that you can dry out and scrub your body in the galvanized metal wash tub out on that land of yours. You should handsome yourself a handle from one of the many mesquite trees you have and be sure that handle forks off to dangle some real life mistletoe for holiday kissing baths. Once that happens scrubbing your back down low would be filled with joy to the world. Your bathing maid will kiss clean your ass all in the name of Christmas! You lucky son of a gun! You have got everything you need up on that property of yours. A huge Loofah lot with a lifetime of scrubbers and enough mistletoe to hickie cover ur body. I cant believe you got that place for 4k and it was turn key ready to go.

Caught the Big One

Went fishing at the beach. I needed to catch some fish to support my large family. Boy did things go pear shape around my third cast. As the line left and the shrimp on the end of my hook catapulted high, a stork came flying by and snagged up my shrimp in mid air! As I looked up in pissed belief I notice an object barreling right at me . Low and behold if the stork didnt drop the baby he was delivering to some other latino family to snag my bait. I reached up and caught the tanned 10 pounder.
Poor wife gonna kill me when I get home with yet another damn hungry mouth to feed. I may take a note from the Stork and regurgitate up my taco dinner and distribute amongst my hollering pride n joys.

I May Be 8 Years Old But I Know Medicine!!!

That poor duck burped and sneezed at the same time! It ruined his larynx and his quack quack sounds like a muffler with a hole in it. The scientists all came out to see if the duck was being a parrot and was mimicking the motorboats and disrupting the migratory patterns of the other ducks. I notified them of the burp sneeze and told them the only cure was a cough fart combo to relieve the tension on his fowl vocal cord. They looked at me as if I was disrupting science and escorted me off the marsh. I shot them the bird and foot peeled out!
I hauled butt home to get the duck some bean medicine and dig in my little sisters waste basket for a snotty Kleenex. Poor little sis always hacking up something greenish. She produces the main ingredient for the Ducks concoction of viral bean snot rag stew. It cures muffler mouth every time. Makes a person cough toot so hard their eyes sty up.

Marketing Genius in Bad Clothes

I ate a whole box of Cereal in one supper sitting. Im disgusted with myself and that Tony Tiger. Why he got to make flake taste so good? Im bloated and uncomfortable. Im a 43 year-old man with my finger going down my throat like Im some teenage girl who reads the new Marie Claire. That magazine has improved a bunch. Its not so focused on Pop stars and celebrity US magazine crap. The marketing department at MC should just cut out the middleman and just advertise on the Kellogg’s box. Hell maybe even right on the flake or maybe just include a Marie Claire tongue suppressor in the box for aiding in inducing the tummy trim barfs. If that’s the case, Proactiv should work with Mademoiselle and design a vomit remover facial wipe for those pimple pukers.
Im pathetic and I do most of my clothes shopping at Casual Casualties. After reading MC I know I need some skinny jeans now. The stress is causing me to flail around my sewing box looking for a needle n thread. Im tapering my Old Navy cargos from a baggy to a skinny tonight. I’m a complete and total mess.

Universal Knowledge

The sun is bright red face today. The ancients say that when its bright like that its embarrassed for being a naked drunk that ran amok with the bare assed moon and the party gods. Not a good day to lay out or you will get an awful humility tan.

Appetizer Toilet

I have installed my new appetizer toilet in the Kitchen. It sits perfectly right by the breakfast table and matches the rest of my 50’s diner chairs. Its perfect! Nice white ceramic with a bread seat. I just fill the back with Olive oil and toss some calamata olives into the bowl. No need to refill that terra cotta tiny appetiser bowl with extra virgin olive oil. Now, I just sit on my bread seat and tear off a chunk and dip between my legs. Sometimes i grab an olive turd and place it on some torn bread seat, it's tasty.
After about a week when the bread gets moldy i just flush it and bake up a new one. It is so simple to operate and clean up is a breeze. No need for scrubbing bubbles and toilet brushes to clean it. With the appetizer toilet I just grab a french roll and stick it on a wooden spoon and go scrub me up some grub. I got creative recentlty and cut the paper towels in half and stuck them in a TP holder by the salt n pepper shakers. Makes for a dynamic place setting and Frank Loyd would appreciate it’s functionality.
Some day I hope to have a matching desert toilet with a chocolate grahm cracker seat with Strawberry Quik in the tank. Christ, all this thinking out loud has got me concerned about the main course. Can’t see myself sitting on a meatloaf seat with gravy in the tank. Maybe I just saw my oven to table height and move it between my kitchen toilets. Then I can just eat from the pots n pans while the food cooks. Hehehe, that’s fantastic and it smiles up my face cuz I know ive made clean up easier and best of all the food will always stay hot…………….
Still thinking out loud here. I think I can still skip some more steps and make my life better. Now, if I can manage to get a bar of soap to taste like meat then id be set. If that was the case then id never have to clean a dish again. Burb up a bubble and call it a night! Hell, I could just cook soap in bed if there was a pillow burner and id never have to leave my nest again. Even better, I could knock myself in a coma, and shit, Id never have to do squat for the rest of my life. Brilliant efficiency, I love you.

Consumer Review #1

Tom's of Maine apricot deodorant works for about 2 hours. After that the arm pitt fruit smells like burger and i hate it! Its making me fat. I am trying to be a disciplined dieter and stick to salad. Not working when my own body smells like a burger and pulls me into a Fuddruckers. Jesus I love Fuddruckers

Don't Judge Me, I Can't Help It.

I tossed the baby out with the bath water and my grandma out with the dirty dish water. Weak granny needed a sponge bath and nagged me bad cuz i used the dirty dish sponge after cleaning her bacon skillet. I just lost it. Picked her up like a duffel and chunked it. I feel bad but i cant help it. Then the bathing baby got tossed cuz no more tears shampoo doesnt work. Yelling clean infant made my pot boileth over with annoyance and the baby got towel slung and i flung it. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. May that smoke punch around that throat and make you choke it! I cant take youth or elderly wet with water i guess. I havent chunked my pubescent son out with the car wash water yet. But I may if he sprays my eyes again with that Armor All. I may just chamois roll him up and punt it.