Home Remedies pg 57:

Hi Plight Listeners,

This is a page from my book on home remedies that I have been working on for a couple of years. If you have some yourself, please feel free to leave a comment and I will include them if they are any good. These have worked for me in the past and hopefully they will save you a trip to Eckerd’s. Have a happy Friday!!!

Yours in plight,
Hollis

Acid Reflux- Use a dollop of toothpaste and place on tongue. Take deep breath and swallow. Toothpaste is a flux coater fer sure.

Chest Pains- Thistle Root with Honey Comb cereal. Beat on back to induce a cough and hopefully cereal will get into chest and comb through your pain.

Q-Tip- Dish rag rubber banded around a pencil

Vapor Rub for Chest Cold- Crisco lard mixed with horseradish. Mix these two ingredients together for a nice concoction base. Take base and smear on sicky’s chest and up nostril if sicky is stopped-up. Sicky should take deep breaths and avoid being around pets. Dogs like rank crap and could wrestle a flu victim to the ground quite easily for a chance to snack on a nasty concoction like that.

Athletes Foot- Make a dredge bath with flour, milk, lemon pepper and soot then Coat the foot. Run with your flounder feet on hot pavement till golden brown. Dip your chicken fried feet in cream gravy. Should rid your peds of athlete’s foot and make a wingtip smell like a hardy grub.

Sleeping Pill- Cant sleep? How about you take a jog for an hour. Can’t jog? Do some math.

Impotence- Take a bee and rub stinger on flaccid friend till your mouth is wide open and you are screaming like a Cheyenne. Note, your pee pee will inflate on the outside but stay fragile and weak on the inside. This will give you the ability to penetrate a lover but I doubt he or she will allow you to after you just had sex with an insect.


Groin Gurgle- Bake a rag that’s been soiled in flour milk at 400 degrees for 5 hours. Frost the rag cake with butter n pumpkin guts and place in some tight panties for the ladies or Leo’s for a bro. Make sure rag cake aligns right on the tender taint. Wear this for 8-10 days repeating the rag cake ritual everyday. This should bust your gurgling creeky groin and make you walk normal and silent again. Please understand that this is only a theory as I myself have never had Groin Gurgle. This was passed down to me from Hollis Sr.

Yanks Are Harnessing Energy From My Kin

Ive discoverd something flat out disturbing, my great great cowboy unkle was buried up north. He was hatcheted by a native woman as he had his backside to her panning for copper nuggets in a creek bed. She was a wida injun and her pissed off passions put an end to my kins life. Scalped and gutted he was buried and them southern bones will fidget for eternity being blanketed in that Yankee soil. I myself have never felt it but some say when you walk across a civil war cemetery up north you can feel a small earth quake from them southern bones shaking from southern soil withdrawal like a heroin addict craving horse.

Brings a tear to my eye thinking about it and I read in Entrepreneur magazine that some Yankee Doodle Dandy has harnessed the energy from shaking southern bones to recharge his cell phone. Plans to make a fortune by selling a cup of good ol' boy finger bones in Yankee soil with an ac/dc adapter coming out of it. It makes my goiter pucker just thinking about the sacrilege he's committed. He says hes thinking Green but in my book hes thinking Mean and he better stay on his side of the Mason/Dixon line. If he dares cross it Ill put his bones 6 feet under a layer of Sweetwater red clay. We all know what happens to Yankee bones when they are buried in southern dirt. They turn into credits on my Skype account and im in need of some badly. Texas is a big state and calling from Lampassas to Nacodoges will bankrupt your butt if you are calling from a land line. Im down to just a jar of crushed Yank humerus bones and that will last me about a week.

PeePaas Chub Hunt

Peepaw got him an easter kit from PAAS. He is swirling some hard boils in a pink dyed liguid in a rusty old coffee can. That can was used to house old orphaned screws and bolts and he may need a tetnis shot after arts n crafts class. His friends call him Chubs cuz his belly is big from snackin up all of his rejected art. He egg farts cane walks around the assisted living center looking for inspiration. His new batch of eggs are inspired from last months Prevention Magazine cover. When hes not dippin shell hes doing a makeup mirror reflection inspection of his gray pubes for hidden treasure. Just like an easter egghunt in the grass, Chubs saw his precious and tickled a nut under his gut.

Chinatown Exchange Rate: Poor

New boombox only plays at high volume and you need a brick to keep CD cover down. I was not amazed to find that the technical instruction manual was a preschool drawing of stars. I returned to the Chinatown store for a remedy. Asking to speak to the management I was directed to the "first officer". He was a tall man with flat face, asian eyes and wore dirty t-shirt with a name plate that was in China scratch. He spoke with a yell and I could never get a word in edge wise. Trying to communicate universally I tenderly force fed him some sign language, which caused fingers to get stuck in nostrils and eye outlets. First officer flat face got red with anger and soft ball pitched my deaf lanquage hands out of his face holes. I got a warranty explanation in Korean and went on my way cord dragging my Coby boom box like it was a dog