Babysitting Abie

Brian-

Abie got tubes in her ears and cant go swimmin without her plugs. Shes also real moody in the mornings and you will need to horsie knee her for a good 20. If she asks for a Bah Bah milk then the formula is in the Pantry. Its by pedyalyte and if you are hungover have some, its chuck full of electrolytes. About noon Abie will need to be laid on stomach and lightly back spanked till she falls for her nap. She may burb spittem so rag her hole. The TV went to pot so she needs to be entertained. I put some entertaining supplies on top of broken tv. Theres a microphone, horse head mask, a bucket and some wooden spoons. She like theatricks so be a good sport and wiggle and giggle up a show. I like to make horse eat from bucket with a spoon and sing a song. She thinks its TV and can watch for hours. Alright, numbers on fridge if anything happens. Help yourself to the Squirt in the garage.

Thanks,
Mrs Burke

I Miss Me Some W.C. Fields

I Miss W.C. Fields. I miss him bad. That guy loved to eat a good meal of pork chops n applesauce with a wash down of whiskey. I miss his red nose and his yargh yargh voice. He was a real man. He was also a clean freak that liked a washing in a tub with stove-warmed kettle of water.
I bet you didn't know what the WC stood for in W.C. Fields. Well guy, it stands for Water Closet. Water Closet Fields, because he loved being in the toilet room eating pork chops n applesauce and pounding his nose hard until he got it that perfect shade of crimson. Afterwards he would pick up his defecation spittoon (pootoon) and dump it in the fields out back. I miss me some W.C. Fields. The man that is, not the fields behind his house. Those fields smelled like shit and actually, I will be thrilled to never see them again.
A horrible story was told to me by W.C.’s chauffer concerning the Water Closet Fields. It seems that the fields caused W.C.’s poor gardener to get a terribly bad bout of E.Coli. W.C.’s chauffer had to drag the fevered gardener to the middle of the street and pop the manhole cover and hold him in a hover over the sewer so he could bottom vomit it all out. This was due to the fact that all of the toilets were backed up from W.C.'s pork chop remnants and all the pootoons were to small for the gardeners waste. That poor gardener could have been hovered out in the field, but that would be like shitting on your own art I suppose.
Later, the gardener turned shit to gold and did something incredible with those nasty Water Closet Fields. He grew spinach as tall as beanstalks from all the nutrients packed in the soiled soil and sold it in easy to use plastic bags. He amassed a huge fortune and the company is still producing E.Coli spinach in a bag today.

Party!!!

Dear Party,


Hiiiii party! Im ready. Got my party pants on and took my hangover cure vitamin B, set my alarm clock, and got me some bedside water waiting for when i drunk look for something to wash down a dry heave. Wooo Hooo! Rubbing hands in excitement because beers n therapy are what is going down tonight! Dear party, can we get smashed and otherwise wasted bitch! WORD! I love you PARTY! Please never leave me. We make a rad couple and you smell like lifestyle condems.

Makin it Happen,
Party Pal

Mom Thong

Dear Swimsuit Illustrated

I saw my mom wearing a thong. She was in the kitchen filling out the grocery list and there it was. Her shirt was hiked up cuz daddy was rubbing her slipped disc back, I guess. She slipped those discs at Sam’s Club lifting cases of Chef Boyardee’s with her back. I know, she needs to lift with her knees but those are shot as well from a varicose vein implosion. I have to say the thong image was an excellent example of what you guys refer to as a whale tail, but it was protruding from her khaki denim mom jeans! No crack was showing which kept my lunch in my stomach thank god.
She called me away from my cartoons to ask what I wanted from the store. I yawn stretched and slumped my way over and turned the corner from the TV room to the kitchen. Then bam, saw the whale tail and gag mouth blurted out a chunky peanut butter request and ran back to toons. The thong has lost all the allure it once had. I loved the thought of it creeping up female crack, but not now it’s lost its magic.
I love your magazine, especially since I cannot buy real porn yet. Like I said the thong is over now. It belongs with Moms. So please Swimsuit Illustrated, please start fading it away. I would like to see models with boy shorts, flat bottom briefs, or hotties with nice low-slung bikini bottoms. Sometimes more is better. Lets hope this fashion craze ends soon and we can yet again return to thong. Im underoo wearing sitting on my feet in my bed thumbing an old issue with a sharpie in hand. Must draw more fabric on model hinny. Can’t wait till next issue. I hope butts got more coverage.

Yours Truly,
Dibrell

Bacon Egg N Cheese on Cold Reality

It's good for ya guy, it is just iceberg lettuce and tomato with soy mayo on whole wheat. This beauty is low in fat and packed with vitamins. Look at what you are having for breakfast. You got scrambled chicken babies with melted curdled milk slab and a couple of slices of salted pig butt. Why dont you wash it down with a tall glass of stuff that squirts out of a Cows saggy knockers.

Greetings From Fly Eye

A fly moan is connected to a meat bone. A meat bone is connected to a dog home and Benji has been fighting that sad fly for that carnaged snack attached to the roof of his house all day.
That fly has been so depressed and I am worried. His 800 all seeing eyeballs are all red like they are about to cry. He wishes he could go back to the maggot years when life was easy and you just rolled around and lived in your decaying food 24/7. Old crying fly has to battle a pooch tongue in order to get a bite of marrow nowadays.

The earth is similar with its scientific fly eye located in Utah. The University of Utah controls the 64 mirrored eye balls that stare into the universe looking for remnants of the big bang. The only thing these university scientists are revealing is that the earth too misses the maggot years. The proof is in the condensation that builds up daily in the bottoms of the drums housing the mirrors. These are earth tears! Scientific gossip (data) has been relayed to me that this virgin unpolluted liquid has been used on many occasions as a mixer in a whiskey and water cocktail. This concotion is used to lubricate geek innards with life libations to drunken a well-educated mind, and for what really? These scientists are worse than a pooch tongue! Just be happy we exist. No need to waste millions trying to figure out why.
Mother earth is very sad. She is being forced to catch a glimpse of what caused the origin of her existence. I too would cry 55-gallon drum loads if someone forced my eyes open so I could watch my parents having explosive sex. My own personal parental big bang happening on a fold out couch.

Mousy Girl Mayhem

Fickle and ferrety sniffingly the mousy girl whiffed a farty smelling scent in her Frigidaire. Scoping through lip smacky morsels and left over partials she eye gazed the culprit. A tenderly ten day aged piece of Saran wrapped porridge. Perplexed at the fact that mousy Monica has never pleasured her palette with porridge she frisbeed the saucer with an icky reflexed shaky arm. The quivers came on strong. These icky quivers roared into a frenzy with head a twisting and tongue ah gaggy. Epileptic and floor flopping Monica floundered free styling forward into the living room quarters. Coffee table top glass became shattered from the icked out mule footed freak out concerning the dilapidated platter. Now bloodied and sore from the glass shard shower she remembered where the poo porridge came from. Handy Man Dan is fond of bland and left his porridge in Frigidaire for fooding future feedings.
Dan brought a panned porridge parcel with him to joint compound repair the wet dampen dry wall. Wet walls make grody gypsum growths that can nauseate a neighbors home. Monica is mad, grossed out and dying. She should have never had let Dan dollop a compound made from a Farina dinner.

Smelly Conjurer

Good god it smells like rectum belch in her trailer! What the F has she been doing in here? She says seancing the under lords but any angel, demon, or ghost She conjure has got to be nose pinched or gas mask wearing. Smells real close to those dirty drawers that circus bear had on that we found behind Barnum’s tent. Heavens, that bear had the runs from that escargot feed the Swede fed him. His poor paw had to be soaked in a Purel bucket after he played in his runny droppings. Oh Shit! I think I see a gas masked apparition over there checking his blood sugar levels. Fucking diabetes is killing the whole damn planet. Makes me gargle tube fart out heart burn just thinking about all the complex sugars in my diet. Funny, It takes a pinched nosed diabetic poltergeist to make me realize I need to switch to brown rice when I eat china food.