Short stories, mini-fables, whispers and notes of nuisance.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I Miss Me Some W.C. Fields


I Miss W.C. Fields. I miss him bad. That guy loved to eat a good meal of pork chops n applesauce with a wash down of whiskey. I miss his red nose and his yargh yargh voice. He was a real man. He was also a clean freak that liked a washing in a tub with stove-warmed kettle of water.
I bet you didn't know what the WC stood for in W.C. Fields. Well guy, it stands for Water Closet. Water Closet Fields, because he loved being in the toilet room eating pork chops n applesauce and pounding his nose hard until he got it that perfect shade of crimson. Afterwards he would pick up his defecation spittoon (pootoon) and dump it in the fields out back. I miss me some W.C. Fields. The man that is, not the fields behind his house. Those fields smelled like shit and actually, I will be thrilled to never see them again.
A horrible story was told to me by W.C.’s chauffer concerning the Water Closet Fields. It seems that the fields caused W.C.’s poor gardener to get a terribly bad bout of E.Coli. W.C.’s chauffer had to drag the fevered gardener to the middle of the street and pop the manhole cover and hold him in a hover over the sewer so he could bottom vomit it all out. This was due to the fact that all of the toilets were backed up from W.C.'s pork chop remnants and all the pootoons were to small for the gardeners waste. That poor gardener could have been hovered out in the field, but that would be like shitting on your own art I suppose.
Later, the gardener turned shit to gold and did something incredible with those nasty Water Closet Fields. He grew spinach as tall as beanstalks from all the nutrients packed in the soiled soil and sold it in easy to use plastic bags. He amassed a huge fortune and the company is still producing E.Coli spinach in a bag today.

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