Nautical Gift Affiliate Program

Dear Snorry the Elf,

Here is my monthly update. I will be sending straight Santa a brand new carton of hermit crabs for stocking stuffers at the end of the week. I hope them kids suffer a good clawing when they finger the hanging socks from the mantle on Christmas. Also, I have a crate full of jelly fish for coating the rubber outfit that Gay Santa wears while trying to slide down them chimneys. I do not have anything for Original Santa but when I f-ing do I'll send it to the old fart. Bitter? Yes, i sound bitter but being the only elf in the Caribbean is terribly tuff and with no lumber to make toys I aint got much to send y'all except what washes ashore. I tried scuba but my little elf legs even with fins do nothing. I just float out to sea like a chubby whale turd. The last time I tried I just about drowned. One of the biggy people had to fish me and my Styrofoam cooler I used as a boat out of the bay before we drifted out to sea. He harpooned several holes in the cooler and my arms in the process, now I cant even paddle around the shore looking for something interesting for presents.

Honestly, I don't think I am cut out for this nautical gift affiliate program I signed up for. It would be better if i had an intern elf or a slow learning biggy person who worked for cheap to help out. Like Karl from Sling Blade sans the craving for fried potatoes as all we have is sea food down here. If you can call Judy from HR and have her contact the SLB (slow learning biggys) and see if there are any Sling Blade Karl's who like fried shrimp with Jerk sauce, then I will take him in and we can use it as a tax write off at the end of year. He can sleep in one of the over turned boats out on the beach at night. During the day i can put a garden hose in his mouth for breathing and he can dive deep to where the gold of the sea is. In his spare time he can work on the Caribbean biggy's broken out board motors as we don't have lawn mower motors down here. I know how them SLB's like a busted 4 stroke engine to keep the mind concentrating on something other than strangling things.
I also need that bitch Miss Claus to make the damn elf hat with the brim. Ive been asking for it since I came down here. I am redder than Rudolph's nose on cocaine, which btw I got a beach load of the stuff if the party reindeer's Bronzer and Splifzen want me to send up some. Its good shit and it had me up till 10am the next morning shooting the shit with a biggie beggar with no legs. We same height when he aint hand walking and he's pretty much my only friend. I guess its because we are both pretty useless around here and can relate to one another. We laffed for like 4 hours on our binge about how I could stand on his shoulders and we could wear a convincing chicken costume. We could work it to make some extra money with tourist photos out by where the cruise ships park. His hands could come out the bottom of the costume and would make pretty convincing chicken legs and feet. Id tie my elf hat off my face to make a nice looking beak. Like the saying goes you have to work with what you got, and all we need is some feathers and a feed sack for the rest of the costume. Send some if you can. Okay, gotta go comb the beach for some more crab crap and shell shit that no one wants.


Bitter and burned,
Lief the Elf A.K.A- The Cocained Chicken of the Caribbean