Jazz Does Not Compute. Scientifically Deemed: Lazy Music Mess

Be careful with Jazz its nasty and wrong. Scientists like myself have unanimously proved it is an un-listenable mess of nonsense and should be avoided. The results do not lie and i am publishing a sample for the first time below. The full transcript of the results will be represented in my thesis, Jazz: The Truth to the Nonsense and How it Could Be Transformed Into Other Art Forms as a Weapons of Messy Fresstyling Destruction will be printed in March's issue of Nature.

The Samples below have not been altered in anyway. I use many responders and transistors to calculate my findings on a UNIX base system with a core to core infraction housed in a mother board and networked to an IBM 2008. I input the data time and time again and my computer does not lie. Results are below:

Me: Is Jazz good music or even music at all?
ComputerIBM2008: If Jazz was food it would be a mess of disaster. You would have a bowl of tastes that were all over the place. No need for measuring cups or thought of human mouth fun. A jazz entree is a bowl of dried dill with half a dough ball, a broken toothpick, broth, Au Jus, a pudding pop, mini moos with containers, condiment squirts all over the eater, and this concoction of gross is served to you in a hollow gourd. Not a loofah gourd that many people think is a sponge that could possibly soak up all the funk. But a hard shelled gourd like a bowl.That sounds awful right? Well so does Jazz.

Me: So Jazz is not MUSIC?
ComputerIBM2008: If an interior decorator wants to Jazz up your living room, please say no! Unless you like your couch tossed out and replaced with padded hampers housing thrift store shoes. All of your pictures will be hung cockeyed and your wallpaper zigzagged on your floor and ceiling and never touching your actual wall.

Me: People say they enjoy listening to Jazz though? LOL!!!
ComputerIBM2008: The Visual equivalent to Jazz is Picasso, Pollock, and everything else people hate to look at. If jazz were a movie it would be a choppy bunch of scenes with no plot with a cacophony of bright lights causing flopping in the aisles. Jazz could very well kill people with seizure flops if it was a movie. People claiming to like Jazz are lying. Jazz has become associated with high class. This is false and should be recognized as falsy classy from here on out.

Me: I have been invited to the Blue Note, Jazz and Barbecue Restaurant. Should I go?
ComputerIBM2008: To answer your question I think you would be in grave danger eating anything with bones while Jazz is penetrating your ears. You could startle choke on a rib during a saxophone hemorrhage honk. I'm scared thinking about what a lethal combination a Jazz themed restaurant is. Safety never takes a holiday Scientist. Beware of Jazz.

Me: OMFG what do I do computer? Everyone claims to love jazz?
ComputerIBM2008: Beware of Jazz. It will ruin your palette in your mouth, destroy your living room, and make you look like a rere if you try to dance to it. There is no sense in jamming out or free styling. It makes a mess out of a music sheet and the notes turn in to ladles that fling balls of dough in your drip painting eyes. Beware of Jazz especially in writing. When Jazz is written it sounds a whole lot like babble and nobody likes babble, i repeat, NOBODY!


Well there you go people. Heed my warnings and beware of Jazz. Please help me in spreading the truth about what Jazz really is. It is a cacophony of nonsense, a falsy classy polluting ears with fake feelings of composition. Brace yourself for being ridiculed by the Jazz pseudo lovers that lay claim that it is real music and that they enjoy it. The get frisky and could inflict wrath on your knowledgeable noggin. When something really sounds bad, it usual is. No matter how classy they are when the say it.


Mitchel Frowner, MD. PHD. University of Hollis