The Hollis Babble

Peculiar Pillow Talk

2009-05-31T18:52:00.006-04:00

Accent pillow has an accent and its fucking French Islamic. The round silk ruffle pillow I have recently adopted as my "go to pillow" for sleeping has been whispering in my bedtime ears. I think it is talking to me in gay French but it sometimes whisper yells in Islamic right before I reach REM. Wakes my ass up and my heart is racing from the Muslim versus. I dont know why im craving a ruffled accent pillow as my "go to pillow" anyway. Maybe its the perfect width for propping my head or the fantastic silk on my face or the divot made by the giant button in the middle giving my big ear some much needed space. Whatever is the case, my body heads towards the couch when im sleepy and I grab that damn fluffy thing. Its awful i know. Its the equivalent of me pulling out a frilly hooker umbrella from 1880 when it rains or crossing my legs in a meeting and seeing a pom pom sock with my penny loafers. Its bad for a man like myself to sleep on an accent pillow.

Now back to the most fucked up thing, the accents that fill my dreams at night. Everyone in dream land speaks in a tongue that is so goofy. I assume its french but no idea. When its a nightmare i know the accent is Islamic because i can make out the words hummus and tortilla. I now know the real meaning to the category these fucking pillows fall under and its NOT to accent your wallpaper. Its to accent the voices in your head when you dream. WTF have i slumbered upon this time! This is mighty gross and im sleeping on one of those ancient Egyptian wooden head shelf things tonight as punishment for my frolicking pussy pillow blow outs ive had these last few weeks. My god i am having pillow plight nights.

It does hurt to ask

2009-03-08T15:33:00.002-04:00

Assfaced Bodyguard,

Im hurt. Arm is bitterly bruised and face is swelled shut. I have no girlfriend due to the embarrassment. I made a life choice never to drink alcohol because i have such a fear of embarrassment. Well, I'm knocking them back now since I have surpassed the pinnacle of shamefacedness yesterday at lunch.
I was minding my own when you felt the need to sideswipe me with your gorrila arm and plummet me into Carolyn Mother's lunch special. French Dip and Au Jus sauce was all over me and my maidens mother. Then the nerve you had flinging me to the floor and the repetitive face punching, well was this necessary? I guess I could recoup from this if this was all that happened. But then you pulled my t-shirt off my body and used it to cuff my arms behind my back. This exposed all diners to my extra large outty and third nipple, thanks a bundle. All of this humiliation and for what? All I asked for as I leaned toward John Voight's table was for a towelette. He had a plethora of them since he got rib plate.
Question, did you try his ribs or did you order a roid plate for yourself instead? Better yet, I bet you just palmed amino acid powder into you mouth from the 3 gallon plastic GNC container. Maybe this would explain your cretinized face and captain caveman over reactions. Thanks for ruining my life.

Injured and Humiliated

Foghorn Leghorny

2009-02-22T15:33:00.006-05:00

Foghorn Leghorny is my favorite musician. Musician is not really the correct term as he doesnt really play music so to say, lets call him my favorite noise maker. What he does is he straps a smoke machine to his back with a bunch of flash lights tied all over his person and a smoke detector dangling in front of his face. He comes out dancing up a storm (Leghorny means fast dancer he claims) while smoking about five cigarettes at once. On his stage is about 40 different modified smoke detectors and light sensitive pickups. The modified smoke detectors all range in different pitches and go off when he blows Cig smoke or his smoke machine sets them off. The flash lights trigger a light theremin my buddy Shane's buddy built. Foghorn Leghorny puts on a radical show thats not for the weak chested asthma fans. Second hand smoke is one thing. But coming from Foghorn Leghorny body its 2nd hand 3rd foot and 4th leg smoke pummeling your lungs. Not for developing kids unless its watched on VHS or blue ray. Kids do love his moves and will want to Leghorny all the time.

Oh, he also has 2 Great Danes called "The Tumbleweed Dancers" that are tied together on stage. When the alarms go off they flip wig and get all bundled up on the floor in front of Foghorn. Its the chocolate on the cake and it makes for an unforgettable show. Its like Cirque Du Solei done by a Janitor with no funds. I even recall a mop bucket with dried ice being rolled out at one point. I went ape shit when he flung the mop out and glitter rained upon the crowd.

Im Cold In Here

2009-02-15T15:33:00.005-05:00

Fucking hell! Im cold in here. Shit the door is open. Jesus Christ, what the fuck man where you born in a barn. Jesus, close the damn door. Don't you freaking wave your fist at me, i'll kick your ass. Jesus Christ!

God spoke to me through my religious sisters head. I found out that yes, his son was born in a barn and it has embarrassed his unthankful son ever since. He insisted that I keep my comments to myself and to never bring it up again as he will not hear the end of it. I texted God back: Yes God, NP. I shut fuck up for you.

Failing Economy Spurs Innovation with Hicks

2009-02-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

Listen up,

To save money I use chicken tit in my shoes. I walk on the chicken tit. I run on the chicken tit. At the end of the day its been super tenderized and my feet are shiny. I fry up my insoles and have fried chicken tits. The tits are amazing on my feet and stuffed in my mouth. I love the Italian style insoles. The flavor is good. Oh, real good flavor that mixes well with my homemade milkshakes.

Why dont we eat cow tits? We eat everything else from the cow. If we did id stop riding my bike on rump roasts and switch to beef tit. I guess udders are udderly gross packed in a shoe and thats probably why we dont eat them. No room for foot. Having a dual purpose being a meat is the name of the game I guess.

Im sitting on a raw turkey now. The vet says its good for my back when im internetting me some recipes. He also said I have hoof n mouth and hoof n butt disease. How that happened beats me but.... I imagine it may have something to do with that hoof handled tooth brush i clean myself with. DUH!

Anyway folks, you are gonna love using tits as an insole. So comfy yould wish you had tit to sleep on at night. That will come soon enough. Them turkey tits are growing about the size of a lazyboy cushion these days. They say in about 5 yrs scientist will have Genetically enginered a mattress for me Thanksgiving. Some day, please Jesus, let me sleep on a big ol tit. Id have a tit fit.

Yours,

Hick

Guitar Hero

2009-01-31T15:33:00.000-05:00

Finally, the comic book legend Guitar Hero has now been made into a digitized video game! Remember in comic book the derelict man that found sanity in the catch? Well hes here kids and he is like a cartoon on tv, but with added features like remote control car!!! You see, you control the comic cartoon of the television with your hands using a joyous stick with real red button!!! Use it to run your beautiful bum hero under gorgeous buildings and catch distressed guitars as the hurdle down to earth at ferocious scary speeds. These classy guitars are your ultimate survival as you use them for cold beer and candy money provided for you at the virtual pawn shop. Watch out for normal dudes going to job work as they try and stop your hobo ways and catch your bread and butter- the plummeting guitars!!! Oh no vagrant catcher , Normal dudes may know how to play these awesome looking guitars and will slow-song ballad your drifter ass back to school where you have to drop out and start from scratch!!! Guitar Hero is just like the comic book!!! Ugly bum came to life and jumped off page where you control him. These guitars are rock n roll guitars!!! These dropping musical weapons can kill so be sure to catch with your talented hands and not your homeless head.
In between levels the pixelated down n out hero receiver sleeps with chicken bones in a ditch. Make him shit for bonus points you can use to buy ugly clothes for you avatar character.
Use your magnifying glass in super detail mode and see close ups of the guitar neck, strings, and metal looking pick ups on these magnificiently crafted make believe guitars.

First a comic book, then a cartoon digitized copy of comic book for tv, now a cartoon comic television show you control with a happy rod with push disc activationator!!!!!

Guitar Hero is fast at the catch. Speed so fun its out of control.

Let's Gossip!!!

2009-01-25T15:33:00.004-05:00

Brian Miller and Branda Garret have a baby!!!

This guy who is helped write that movie with Matt Diamond about a math freak janitor is having a chick kid with his wife Branda (I Think) from the tv show Alleged!!!! The two say they will name the chick kid Mumi. So her full name is Mumi Miller. Branda's career is going okay with the success of Juno and Brian's career is also going good with the rerelease of Dogma on blue ray. I wish Brian, Branda and Mumi some good times with a ton of hardships from here on out. These two "stars" are so white bread normal that my diabetes has kicked back in from the amount of visual carbs I ingested just from looking at the pic.

Brangelina for best actor/ress!!

Yes,Brangelina has been nominated for best actor/ress!!!! Whoreay!!! He/She was nominated for Changlamen Chanutton- A movie about an adobted baby that was forced upon a mother in Germany in the 20's. The baby is ugly and looks like a 70 yr old man. She tries to take the baby back without a receipt and gets in bad with the SS. I bet Angilly Jorton (angelina/billy bob) is crying her/his tattoos off! The big shocker is that Branefer Anispitt didn't get nominated for Marly and Me. I love movies about Dogs that drive cars and date women. This unfortunately could mean the end of the career for Marly which sucks dog bones.

Oh No Flickety!!!

Flickety Perkins today broke things off from her a stranged manfriend Jethro Clampit Guliani. Jethro has been busted washing money in the cement pond and the FBI believes it belongs to some Italians. Flickety says she knows nothing about it and that he was just a bad manfriend. Well shes also being questioned by the FBI and she may have helped wash Italian money sometime between her wearing Prada and before that bitch Rachael got married. More on this story for sure when we receive it.

Twin Brother Back In Hospital

Ozzy Osbournes twin brother Kelly has been placed in a drug hospital for unknown reasons. She was able to sneak out and use the phone to call an aunt to report the following "If hershey squirts were pennies id be a trillionare!!!!!!" Not sure what he's in there for, butt it sounds and smells like shit.

New to Earth, I'm a Sucker.

2009-01-18T15:33:00.009-05:00

I walked into the room and was embarrassed and excited as she was breastfeeding a newbie. Then I fought it all I could, I broke down and took a hard look. I saw a kid lick a tit, he was a toddler fondler of food! This tyke had eyes closed while he reached for her other unsucked nip. Greedy? Yes, he greedy. But aren't we all when we evacuate the human room womb? It is at these moments when we finally have that chance to suck with mouths as opposed to drawing another meal of placenta polenta from our belly buttons.
The little lamb was an artist at the Breast a Feeding, and grabbed her other nip like a farmer yanking on udder. He whacked- off the knocker and soak bathed his shriveled umbilical blunder with the whitest of mother's nature. The washing must have been soothing as this blunder was no button on belly, oh no. Poor inkling had a chicken hind bone in the center of knot, making it a toggle of tummy.
Poor talented siphoner of mommy lactose, I wish I knew why you were a bone in baby. I am drawing a blank coming up with advantages to having a bone on your paunch. But dont let me discourage you. If you can hang a suit coat off your pot like you man-handle mommies bags, you should be good to grow and go. Good luck fucking anything though. When you get older Boning could cause trauma to you and your hot lil Ho. Bean bag your belly bone for her and your weiner for the rest of the world. Offspring would be togglin toddling for sure.

So Rad that Thad aint Dad

2009-01-11T15:33:00.009-05:00

Thad, I'm glad you aint my dad.
but so mad you are knee deep in tea.

You must quit the spit in the tea that you pick or
you will get a licking for being wired on coco leaf chew.

Jefe, hes a mean Jefe, as mean as a donkey on rye brew,
and Ive seen him shove chamomile leaf in its own boiling steep
in a man to make orifice stew.

Thad, cmon boy. chewing on coco leaves is not new.
get yourself a necklace spittoon and chew while gathering Chai fronds under the moon.

I know its no lie, i aint your boiy because Ma say i was born by a Earl who was Grey.
Maybe someday that woman you laid will speak of the boy that you made.

But rumor has it today that a year back in May,
Jefe enslaved your boys tea sac sans dong,
for infusing cups of Lapsang Souchong.

Lets hope that's the case as tea bagging feels ace.
Much better than being the boy who does so wrong,
by opening himself for Jefe's tea ball of Oolong.

Blinkin Park Boys 182

2009-01-04T15:33:00.004-05:00

by Cheyenne on 5/12/2008 6:32am
OMG, Is this Brass Monkey? I LOVE this song!!! I always get people into kool songs like this!!!!! My boy bff John always say Cheyenne, You are always the Brass Monkey!!!! Dont ask me what thay means cause I dont know!!!!!!! I just love this song and John!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!My mom has a massive breath alyser test with two dicks and we blow into it like a hookah!!!!!!! We try and get .08 which non legal, HAHAHA!!!!!!!We laff and comment a bunch on myspace all night!!! I dont see bff John much he hooked on facebook now and i dont know what that is. Something about Twitter too but that for my front butt, HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!Keep playing good shit like beasties and Linking Park, and blink 182!!!!!!!

by Kitty on 5/19/2008 10:52am
This is St Louis Cardinals' Ryan Ludwick's lead-in song when he step to bat! We're like Pavlov's dogs....just knowing that he's going to get a clutch hit, we all stand up and cheer at the sound of the song before they annunce the batter! GO CARDS!Go Funky Monkey get me fucked up!!!

by Tiff on 5/26/2008 4:25pm
This song is awesome.. i can even sing song... (dont worry i no waht it all mean) get it on brass monkey!

by Asshead on 5/28/2008 8:51pm
I LUV THIS THONG I MEAN SONG...HAHA

by matt on 6/3/2008 9:47am
this song is old but better than anything ouy right now that funkie monkey still got it. i love blink 182 too Cheyenne!!!!

by poop on 6/11/2008 4:16pm
hi

by lmao~ on 6/19/2008 10:24pm
love this song so much.. it's so 80's.. brass monkey is an alcoholic drink jsyk...

by Andramda on 8/3/2008 3:17am
This is actually my wedding song!! LOL NO JOKE!! my husband knew it was my favorite so instead of here comes the bride it was brass monkey piano style!!Cheyenne, my husband hit up that front butt. i.e. funky monky!!!!

by Gansgta kid on 8/20/2008 1:44pm
This so is so hype honestly this song i use in everything i do skateboarding biking trying to sleep in school lol Anything such a SICK GANGSTA SONG

by TheDrinker! on 8/25/2008 10:31am
Fuck man! This song is the shit and the drink that comes with it is the same! ...Colt 45 and orange jus! DRINK UP!

by wtf on 9/11/2008 8:01pm
a brass monkey is a beer u retard
(the drinker) your so retarded
brass is what the can used to be made out of

now its just aluminum

u should listen to beer by phsycostick

by wtfisnub on 9/24/2008 9:36pm
brass monkey is old e and oj

by Justin on 10/4/2008 12:18am
Does anyone else relize that theyr singing about a drug? still an awsome song though....

by Twiztid Love on 10/16/2008 1:16pm
This song is the shit, i'm of the new age, ie. Linkin Park. But this song still kicks ass! My friend Dan turned me onto it.

by riss luv on 10/17/2008 9:55pm
this song rocks!!!!and whoever karebare is,lol, my dad did the same thing!but i didnt kno brass monkey wasd a drink!

by Sean on 10/18/2008 2:50pm
I love how most of the comments seem to be by people who've had TOO MUCH Brass Monkey. And NO this song isn't about drugs, it's about a drink that was popular in the 80s.

by 9 on 11/11/2008 3:26pm
You people keep thinking this song is about getting it on! NO its a drink vodka, rum, OJ or you can by the cheap stuff in your local hood! Good Stuff

by andrew m the famous on 11/20/2008 3:45pm
OK, first of all, who cares what bm is. the point is that it either gets u drunk or high. 9, im withu. cheyanne, no you dont. the drinker, get a life and listen to some good musik. wtf, ur kool. andramda, ...wow. sean, lol

by ya mama on 11/22/2008 6:15pm
i like blink 182 better

song so much.. it's so 80's.. brass monkey is an alcoholic drink jsyk...

by HOLLIS on 6/21/2008 5:34pm
this is the perfect song to jump on a trampoline to :D :D ;D :D :D and ya mama I think you mean LINKIN PARK! you must hang out with ASSHEAD and Poop cuz you dumb butt!

butt stairs

2008-12-28T15:33:00.000-05:00

New Butt Stairs

Atlast, a stair you can pocket your buddy with!!! Chunk your buddys billfold and insert a step. that easy! Great for sports games and high cupboard crawlings. Fun at the apple orchard or anywhere you wanna get high.

Caution: Butt stairs may cause butt stare.

Roughing It

2008-12-21T19:29:00.007-05:00

Feel around in the tent, I know your bedside water is somewhere. Be careful for my tinkle potty. Yes, I have one and its next to my sleeping bag and the lid doesn't fasten like it use to. And you sure don't want to mistake it for your bed side water. Urine trouble if you do and you know I had tiny Bass and ranch style beans by the campfire tonight. Aint no way I was going outside the tent to do my stuff tonight as its 2 below.
You find it? I know why you so parched. Its because of all that summer sausage you are eating. Any preserved meat will have loads of salty and dehydrator chemicals as they are used to suck out the decay that naturally should be happening to it. You need to eat fresh river food like that Bass I caught. They were tiny but it is fresh and clean of dehydrators like Alkaline.
Good lord you are freakin. Maybe the tinkle potty is your best option. I know you can drink tinkle if you are hard up. I did it once in the Barcade bathroom with my friend Shane. Not bad, but we had to run to the bar to get some water to wash the pee out of our mouths. You may want to find your bed side water before sucking on my Tinkle Potty.
Alright, shit ill shut my hole. Damn its darker than the La Brea Tar pitts in here. And thinking of which, does that thing really exist? Are there really dinosaurs frozen in time in those tar pits and is that the exact tar we use on our roofs? That politician Hucklbee doesnt believe in Dinosaurs. I wish he wouldd take his foot out his mouth and stick it knee deep in La Brea tar. Hell if its true then that sticky pit is what killed all them Dinos, I bet one by one they all jumped in the same bottomless pit of tar until they were all gone. Just like them suicidal chihuahuas that leap off the cliffs of Mexico because its so hot and there is no water to drink and they have been eating processed kibble with dehydrators. I bet you could relate.
Well good night and good luck. All the water talk made me thirsty. Good thing I got my camel pack pillow i sleep on. I just sleep n suck on the tube like an orphaned cougar sucking on an adopted hog tit. Different strokes for different folks and if a lost cat can digest pig milk then i should just skip the foldable camper cup and just pee in your mouth. Remember, camping is fun when you come prepared.

Nautical Gift Affiliate Program

2008-12-14T17:58:00.004-05:00

Dear Snorry the Elf,

Here is my monthly update. I will be sending straight Santa a brand new carton of hermit crabs for stocking stuffers at the end of the week. I hope them kids suffer a good clawing when they finger the hanging socks from the mantle on Christmas. Also, I have a crate full of jelly fish for coating the rubber outfit that Gay Santa wears while trying to slide down them chimneys. I do not have anything for Original Santa but when I f-ing do I'll send it to the old fart. Bitter? Yes, i sound bitter but being the only elf in the Caribbean is terribly tuff and with no lumber to make toys I aint got much to send y'all except what washes ashore. I tried scuba but my little elf legs even with fins do nothing. I just float out to sea like a chubby whale turd. The last time I tried I just about drowned. One of the biggy people had to fish me and my Styrofoam cooler I used as a boat out of the bay before we drifted out to sea. He harpooned several holes in the cooler and my arms in the process, now I cant even paddle around the shore looking for something interesting for presents.

Honestly, I don't think I am cut out for this nautical gift affiliate program I signed up for. It would be better if i had an intern elf or a slow learning biggy person who worked for cheap to help out. Like Karl from Sling Blade sans the craving for fried potatoes as all we have is sea food down here. If you can call Judy from HR and have her contact the SLB (slow learning biggys) and see if there are any Sling Blade Karl's who like fried shrimp with Jerk sauce, then I will take him in and we can use it as a tax write off at the end of year. He can sleep in one of the over turned boats out on the beach at night. During the day i can put a garden hose in his mouth for breathing and he can dive deep to where the gold of the sea is. In his spare time he can work on the Caribbean biggy's broken out board motors as we don't have lawn mower motors down here. I know how them SLB's like a busted 4 stroke engine to keep the mind concentrating on something other than strangling things.
I also need that bitch Miss Claus to make the damn elf hat with the brim. Ive been asking for it since I came down here. I am redder than Rudolph's nose on cocaine, which btw I got a beach load of the stuff if the party reindeer's Bronzer and Splifzen want me to send up some. Its good shit and it had me up till 10am the next morning shooting the shit with a biggie beggar with no legs. We same height when he aint hand walking and he's pretty much my only friend. I guess its because we are both pretty useless around here and can relate to one another. We laffed for like 4 hours on our binge about how I could stand on his shoulders and we could wear a convincing chicken costume. We could work it to make some extra money with tourist photos out by where the cruise ships park. His hands could come out the bottom of the costume and would make pretty convincing chicken legs and feet. Id tie my elf hat off my face to make a nice looking beak. Like the saying goes you have to work with what you got, and all we need is some feathers and a feed sack for the rest of the costume. Send some if you can. Okay, gotta go comb the beach for some more crab crap and shell shit that no one wants.

Bitter and burned,
Lief the Elf A.K.A- The Cocained Chicken of the Caribbean

Idle Bear Poetics VS Busted Bare Digits

2008-12-07T16:24:00.000-05:00

Fingerless gloves are poetic indicators of grizzly bear hum songs. This statement may confuse but deem it truth. In Winter, bears hum before hibernation. Its a throaty moan that rumbles a muddied dirt bedroom cave. The humming has a bitch of a pitch that sonor bounces around the chamber sculpting a down comforter of sound wrapping the bear. She loves it and after a few minutes the hum song creates a stillness in the bear that stops all functions of her body. She is now in hibernation. Her fat stores now turn into humming bear feeders.
My fingerless gloves do a great job with warming the middle of my hands. The threads work around my hand and record player needle on my life and love lines on the hand skin like a palm reader DJ. This friction generates a hum that is silent to human ears, yet creates a sonor pitch that stitch blankets of reverberance sheltering finger tips from the cold. Well, this is what I tell myself when my digits are numb. I say "These two fingers are not frozen stiff. They are just hibernating caused by the resonating songs of my love-life hand line stories". What beautiful and kinky story songs they must be indeed. Ill have to try and amplify them for a distraction of happy thoughts while the surgeoun garden shear snips off my fingers from frostbite.
The Hollis Truth:
Fingerless gloves are a joke and so is that "hibernating" bear. Its not nature causing him to sleep like a drunk. Its his lacodazical lazy outlook on life that has caused him to sleep away winter and thus half his life. He couldnt be bothered with it all. Just like the person who sewed up my gloves without finger tips. They just couldn't be bothered with needling a tip stitch to close my gloves I guess. Stuffed teddy bears are cute, stuffed people who sew are food coma-ed and cannot round off a mitt. They dropped the gauntlet on finishing gloves and If I find them im gonna thump em' in the head with my little hurting squirting hand stumps.
Your neglect is seamstressing me out and I can bear-ly sleep at night cuz of the phantom fingers fiddling for more glove coverage! Put that in your smitten kitten mitten covered pipe and smoke it. Your catnapping bong packed with bear poetics is the sad end result as you are clearly to lazy to even inhale my babbles of wisdoms.

Gourd Decor 3: Accesory Pilgrims

2008-11-27T12:27:00.008-05:00

Dear plight listeners, it is our favorite time of year again, Fall. During this time we can take items such as ugly warty squash dug from the dirt, place them upon our dinning room tables, and for some reason it is considered acceptable and sane adornment. And we Babblers are thrilled to do just that! Let us take gourds and decor them around our abodes my friends. And remember the gourd family consists of marrows, squashes, melons, cucumbers, and the forgotten, yet most functional of all gourds, the loofah.

Which brings me to this months decoration tip. Yes my quandary quaffers, we again focus on the ugly stepchild of gourds, the loofah. As you remember the loofah is indeed a gourd and not a fucking spounge. Well decor-aholics, we need to preach this knowledge when we get cavorty at this seasons holiday soirees. Im proposing using the loofah as an accesory. Here is an excellent picture of a loofah lapel broche with a gushing of babys breath protruding from its many gourd holes. It is beautiful and really rams in the fact that its scrub straw can not hold water like a sponge, but that it is a true ornament of fall, an adornment of natures bounty.

Another fine example is hanging a loofah on a dandy vino fing you fling of the side of the wine cup (see example at top). A lovely piece of dainty dangle jewelry. Normally I am appalled of the white string attached to store bought loofahs as this causes people to hang them in showers as a bath sponge. But here it works well on the wine fing. Especially wearing it while doing a holiday toast. Whatever is said during the toast will not matter as it will play second hat to the poetic Thanksgiving image swaying side to side. And that image will remind us of the Thanksgiving story of the Four Pilgrims of the Fore-skinned Father's of the Indian apocalypse, riding high on cornucopias of freedom filled with squashes and white men viruses. The story goes that patrons of the gourd were documented cussing at a man washing his butt n body with what he thought was a yule tide sponge, but it was in fact a gorgeous grown gourd. What a dick. He must of been out of his gourd to wash his backside with such an American relic. The saddled American deity's corrected the nude nimrod by knuckling his nogging with eggs. Thus the holiday custom of drinking "egg nog with rum" to signify this bums "de-gourding" by eggs while he bathed in "rum" colored dirty water. Remember your past you squash washing Americanos!!! Please lets not repeat history and please stop washing yourself with what is basically the American Flag!!!

Happy Thanker,
Hollis

Caution: Contained Horsepower in these Vessels

2008-11-15T20:03:00.000-05:00

These containers house horsepower that is under extreme pressure.
Ears are being punctured with horse whinnies and nae's.

A new yogi is the conductor in these presserved energy concerts.
He meditates the horse power out through eye rays that mimic the man called Sun.

A fresh new approach to harnessing gods gifts of stored energys.
The popular energy is dinosaur decay fueling out your gas pipe.

Oil is filthy and sticky so lets go back to pressurized horsepower.
Drawbacks are meditators with patchole stinky.

Point that horse power towards my open sail.
Lip blow away the unshowered yogi stink
Im flying to heaven on the greenest highway.

Harmful Talents

2008-07-27T18:07:00.004-04:00

Jay Walker lives with Jerry Rigger in Van Nuys. Jay loves footing it in front of traffic. His person is empty of patience and his body just flies through life doing as it pleases. He has never looked both ways nor has he ever reflected on consequences. His brain just tells him go. Hes often running in front of oncoming traffic hurrying home in order to watch the commercials on Jerry's knobless one channel TV set. Jay loves commercials cuz they are quick and to the point. He often loses interest when the main TV show comes back on. When that happens hes flinging his body out the taped together screen door, jumping the fence, and running through the neighbors yard as if he owned it. He is off to freak out traffic some more. He will return in 15 minutes for more words from the sponsors. During that time he is usually walking in place, two feet in front of the TV, talking to it.

Jerry built the shack they live in with bric a brac. Nothing is ever broken in Jerry's eyes. All appliances they use are from the dump and have been taped, screwed and glued back together in a lazy half ass fashion. Even his car has bucket seats, I mean his car has buckets for seats. And if you are over for dinner make sure its cooked in the stove as the microwave ovens door is wood and I doubt it came factory installed like that. The amount of radiation that spills out of such a device must be the reason why Jerry's girlfriend Cathy talks so much and why Jays brother Jay Bird is always naked.

Chatty Cathy is often found taped to the bed in the bedroom talking to herself. Some consider it kinky but I just think Jerry likes taping shit and I WISH he would hit her mouth with some. This nonstop talking from the bedroom wiggs out Jay Bird and he often takes flight out the door to get away from it all. Naked as a Jay Bird would be, he runs into oncoming traffic much like his brother during a non-commercial break. The difference tho, is nudity, and that is a problem when children are around screaming at a naked man doing some Jay Walking. He will most likely end up in jail again for another fun filled night next to his buddy Tommy Assfuck.

The Healing Nature of Booze n Snacks

2008-06-08T14:42:00.010-04:00

Ha ha, that cute Burro is full of snacks. Wow, jolly ranchers, sugared sour patchers, sweet tarts, Andy Cap hot fries, and wait.....cough drops? You cant do this to the brain. The highway passages to the mind will be opened up from the powers of eucalyptus and make the hippocampus a fructose dumping ground. Sugar is turning to fat up in the head making belly bulges off the east and west sides of the craniums. Holy shit, you are single handedly pushing the human race to evolve into robust noggined aliens. These creatures are not from mars but from the future. The snack burro's with the Vick"s drops are severely messing with genetics, so stop medicating your snacks you fat head. Just because something is sweet and minty it doesn't mean its a safe option for in between meals.
Also, on the weekends after a couple of drinks, you have on occasion, filled my cactus shot glass with Vick's Nyquil. I cant tell how detrimental this is to my person. Waking up from a minty mini coma the next day is one thing. But the combo of over drinking dehydration and my dried out nasal passages is outrageous. My insides feel and look like a kiln. A kiln thats arid enuff to turn a clay donkey into a ceramic snack burro.
Pony me up a pint of problems in a equine vessel. I no longer need a pillow for sleeping off my hangovers. My chubbied cabeza you developed plumps out nicely to craddle my drooling frowning face

Cinco de Mayan

2008-05-03T11:24:00.008-04:00

Animals seldom notice me when I visit the Zoo. But today being Cinco de Mayo was an exception. After I had five coronas, Cocky faced me did a lollipop sucker pucker with a whoo-whoo holler and a bent elbow hand scratch on head and belly, the classic monkey dance in front of the Gorilla cage. This was not acceptable to the under evolved thing. Hairy black padded hand slaps went back n forth removing pucker face real quick while his foot hand held my poncho tight against the bars of his cage. My Sombrero was confiscated by the other foot hand in a primate karate/dance move that lasted 5 seconds. Red faced me understood his anger real quick. He like most Mexicans hates the white man for fake celebrating Mexican Independence. We white man need to stick to Mayo n white bread for Cinco De and leave the Mexicans to nacho feast for independence. He saw that I understood now and his powerful feet let me go. I gently laid my poncho and bag of limes in his cage. He offered me some musky smelling hay as a kind gesture. I partook and I noticed he had the softest hand pads, like a powder pounder from a prince matchebelli makeup compact.

While reading his palms it all came together, Im so Ignorant, I had no idea Mexicans were related to Gorillas! The Gorillas were a result of the Spaniards mating with the Aztecs. These sick Spaniards loved incest and kept Gorillas to themselves. Thats why the famous 5 Mayan apostles got jealous, these Spaniards were hogging all the soft touches from the Gorilla hand pads!!! The 5 drunk Mayan Popes prepared for battle and adorned funny hats (sombreros) and drunk cut holes in their sacred blankets(ponchos). They cavorted in their new uniforms and went ape shit fighting the Spaniards to free the Gorilla Mexicans. They lost miserably. The poor survivors depressed with the hornies for the hairy hand pad nad rubs, drank and ate frijoles until they passed out (siestas) ,died, and went extinct. This here is the true story of Cinco De. Viva la revolution! Viva los hand paddios hombres!
I sure understand your frustration caged Gorilla. Your people have been jailed for centuries all for your pillowed paws. Cinco De will never be the same for me my soft handed friend. Touch me, yes, touch me. Yes, and a little more south of the border please if you know what I mean. Im part Spaniard.

Happy Cinco De Padded Handio Mi Plighto Listenardios!

Flying Anxiety Capsules: Sleeping Bag Swimmers

2008-04-27T19:27:00.005-04:00

I am flying home on swimmer head flutters. My down filled sleeping bag modules, shape to the waves of air as we descend into caverned trenches.
A complete rep of chlorine water circulates from each breast stroke flap as my swimmer heads bob and keep me afloat. I am a flying container of warmth looking to host an outrigger of a sportsman tonight. He will sleep inside my flesh and I will digest his stresses from life. Ode to the sportsman who flees the mundane ways of the norm, his anxieties will fuel my nutrient stores.

Jazz Does Not Compute. Scientifically Deemed: Lazy Music Mess

2008-04-06T19:42:00.006-04:00

Be careful with Jazz its nasty and wrong. Scientists like myself have unanimously proved it is an un-listenable mess of nonsense and should be avoided. The results do not lie and i am publishing a sample for the first time below. The full transcript of the results will be represented in my thesis, Jazz: The Truth to the Nonsense and How it Could Be Transformed Into Other Art Forms as a Weapons of Messy Fresstyling Destruction will be printed in March's issue of Nature.

The Samples below have not been altered in anyway. I use many responders and transistors to calculate my findings on a UNIX base system with a core to core infraction housed in a mother board and networked to an IBM 2008. I input the data time and time again and my computer does not lie. Results are below:

Me: Is Jazz good music or even music at all?
ComputerIBM2008: If Jazz was food it would be a mess of disaster. You would have a bowl of tastes that were all over the place. No need for measuring cups or thought of human mouth fun. A jazz entree is a bowl of dried dill with half a dough ball, a broken toothpick, broth, Au Jus, a pudding pop, mini moos with containers, condiment squirts all over the eater, and this concoction of gross is served to you in a hollow gourd. Not a loofah gourd that many people think is a sponge that could possibly soak up all the funk. But a hard shelled gourd like a bowl.That sounds awful right? Well so does Jazz.

Me: So Jazz is not MUSIC?
ComputerIBM2008: If an interior decorator wants to Jazz up your living room, please say no! Unless you like your couch tossed out and replaced with padded hampers housing thrift store shoes. All of your pictures will be hung cockeyed and your wallpaper zigzagged on your floor and ceiling and never touching your actual wall.

Me: People say they enjoy listening to Jazz though? LOL!!!
ComputerIBM2008: The Visual equivalent to Jazz is Picasso, Pollock, and everything else people hate to look at. If jazz were a movie it would be a choppy bunch of scenes with no plot with a cacophony of bright lights causing flopping in the aisles. Jazz could very well kill people with seizure flops if it was a movie. People claiming to like Jazz are lying. Jazz has become associated with high class. This is false and should be recognized as falsy classy from here on out.

Me: I have been invited to the Blue Note, Jazz and Barbecue Restaurant. Should I go?
ComputerIBM2008: To answer your question I think you would be in grave danger eating anything with bones while Jazz is penetrating your ears. You could startle choke on a rib during a saxophone hemorrhage honk. I'm scared thinking about what a lethal combination a Jazz themed restaurant is. Safety never takes a holiday Scientist. Beware of Jazz.

Me: OMFG what do I do computer? Everyone claims to love jazz?
ComputerIBM2008: Beware of Jazz. It will ruin your palette in your mouth, destroy your living room, and make you look like a rere if you try to dance to it. There is no sense in jamming out or free styling. It makes a mess out of a music sheet and the notes turn in to ladles that fling balls of dough in your drip painting eyes. Beware of Jazz especially in writing. When Jazz is written it sounds a whole lot like babble and nobody likes babble, i repeat, NOBODY!

Well there you go people. Heed my warnings and beware of Jazz. Please help me in spreading the truth about what Jazz really is. It is a cacophony of nonsense, a falsy classy polluting ears with fake feelings of composition. Brace yourself for being ridiculed by the Jazz pseudo lovers that lay claim that it is real music and that they enjoy it. The get frisky and could inflict wrath on your knowledgeable noggin. When something really sounds bad, it usual is. No matter how classy they are when the say it.

Mitchel Frowner, MD. PHD. University of Hollis

Bootaneer Discoveries

2008-03-16T17:28:00.009-04:00

Dear Dirty Boy Flauntleroy,

I believe I have found your bootaneer amongst 7 others underneath the guest rooms canopy bed. In addition to bootaneers I have also discovered a rather peculiar assortment of items. These include garters in a bag of BC powder, terry cloth knickers drenched in gastor oil, head bands balled around a wet petticoat, and a myriad of different hand fans. It appears that the hot flashing widow was at it quite a bit. My canopy bed is destroyed from her frumpy humpys. She has lily-paded my duvet with brown sweat staines and bum burned some sweat circle on the credenza. She could have at least ass- cheeked on a coaster and saved my veneer. These bootaneer bangers must have displayed her like a buffet on the duvet and cock propped her to the credenza and got their jollys on her fleeing estrogen eggies. No clue why a bootaneer beau like you would find pleasure in probing a housing of perspiration. But leave it to a fool to climb on up on a frump that is pooling from leg up in diaphoresis.
I have attached a photo of said bootaneers and please by all means circle yours and I will take the molded relic from the fridge and foot messenger it myself over to Redds. After these amazing discoveries I am thirsty and feel like having a Flaming Dr Pepper to honor the moist widow neighbor and her spontaneous combusting menopausing body. Who knows Dirty Boy Fauntleroy, maybe after a couple of flammies with a hard up horny galoot like yourself, I may throw a leg up by the free popcorn machine and toe a kernel while you pummel my going out Pamper panties.

Godspeed your reply,

Mrs. Woolette

Boodwah Blues

2008-03-01T14:12:00.006-05:00

Dear Lady Woolete,

My bootaneer was ripped off in your boodwah. Passion play may have flung my petalled broach under your elegant canopied bed. I bet a boodwah as fancy as yours gets cleaned frequently by hired help. If this is the case which I am 100% sure that it must be, would you be so kind as to notify your maids to peel back an eye for my decaying adornment.
If found please have me summoned, I frequent Redds tavern daily and this would be an ideal place to start on your search for my where abouts. Once notified I will rush over with the utmost urgency, since, as we all know that Bootaneers lost during passion plays need to be pressed under plastic and inserted in personal scrapbook journals.
Thanks again for allowing me to use the lavatory during your soiree. Who would have guessed I would be pinned down to your velvet flocked duvet by the widow neighbor. Sweaty with menopasalness, that was the clammiest sex I believe I have ever had. Afterwards, I felt like I had been steamed and saunaed wearing an aluminum jumper for a week then beaten with a witches broom soaked in perspiration.

Yours Truly For Sured,

Dirty Boy Flaunt Leroid

P.S.
If by any means the idea of me being groped, fingered, and flogged on your pink sheet set by mood swinging Lorna gags you up. Then maybe this lil' factoid of plight will cheer you up. I now host some awful uncomfortable back boils of Staph caused by her gonad retreating sweats. Pop one of them and rub your lip and you will wake up with strep throat for sure! I can confirm 10 fold that the previous narly statement is for sure, tried, and true! My throat hurts like theres a baby arm holding an apple made of steel Brillo thats dancing down my throat with some tissue tearing moves like hes a scrubbing the big quart spaghetti pot trying to clean a week old marinara stain.

Dear Culpepper's

2008-02-10T18:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Culpepper's Diner-

Im gonna need to start rationing the black eyed pea deliveries.Had a bad crop. Got Okra and new market vegetable red Hominy. Its like regular Hominy but with a woody robust, atleast thats what the dealer pamphlet states.The plight of my hard endevors with the black eyed peas are unforseen now but as with any staple it should bounce back next season. Since my black eyes are dead, I have turned my attention to jellies. I got every glass container filled and sealed with different preserves ranging from peach to strawberry. Dont know if you are interested but i got a bumber crop in them and my jelly thumb has really been hitting the mark when it comes to preserves. I also have Gourd bird houses and ladle cups to sell in the gift shop. I reckon 10 dollars n below they could fetch. They are Hand painted with daiseys and birch trees, even some with poppies, some wit red bellied warblers which are native so folks can relate. Ill discount next bill for the pea ration, thanks

Rog

P.S. I made a black eyed pea jelly from the only ones that made it this year. Talk about a nasty mistake that will ruin a poor mans toast. My connection holes from my mouth to my nostrils are packed solid with a black eyed fudge that makes me talk funny now. I sit in my rocker with my tongue constantly trying to uncement my nasal connections.
If you are hard up for Black Eyes, Ill sell nickel samplers of the jelly for novelty kicks. Kids and Adults alike will love experimenting with gross tastes and you could be the talk of the town. All of Sweetwater could end up talking funny and going ballistic trying to unclog the mouth sinuses.
Funny image, makes me laff real funny like cuz of the giant speed bump in my mouth. Tongue is sprained and my left hand has a tooth brush and my right one has toothpicks and shish ka bob skewers. Dig, brush, n picking, aint nothing working. Let me know what you think.

Rog again

My Happy Place

2008-01-20T17:25:00.000-05:00

My happiest memories are washing dishes. Just me and flowing aqua and some Palmolive. The three of us come together and a chemical reaction happens, lather, green hued lather. The soft pillowy clean cloud dances on dishes demolishing my fatty fooded filth. Im so full from eating i can hardly circle the sponge in my greasy pan. I eat like a hog. Dinner bell rings a whole bunch in my stomach resulting in tons of old lady food piled high on a skillet. I just stand and eat at the stove, usually out of the pots n pans with the wooden spoon. Im a member of the clean plate club for sure, hell probably the chairmen.
After chowing stove side its back to happy thoughts with the aqua, palmy, and sponge. Cleaning these utensils is sooo soothing. The act of dish washing is like a metaphor for cleansing away everything fatty that I put in my Old Navy body. The washing can take up to an hour. Im flat out exhausted by the time im finished zoning out at the sink. After the last dish is dried the dinner bell rings its ugly ding ding. Well Im back at the stove again cooking in lard, flour, and cream gravy. This round is chicken n dumplings, i love the simplicity of a doughy stew. Afterwards the process continues and im back in my happy place. What a life I have grown accustomed too. If you visited me in my home all you would see is the back of my frumpy frame at the sink or stove. And thats a good thing actually, as its been 3 years since ive seen myself in a mirror. I caught a glimpse recently on the side of the spaghetti quart pot and it just made me famished thinking about what it takes to feed that face of mine.
It would be grand if you visited, I can still converse with a holler while I eat n clean. I got an ear full for you to take in and it would do me good to say something out loud again. If you do stop by will you please bring me some Palmolive. I go through a handle of it a day and I am running low.

Terrorist Chowder

2008-01-13T19:09:00.000-05:00

Terrorist chatter is happening right now! A direct line from Kabel to Maine has been established and maniacs are flowing geberish through a direct dial! During lunch, said Terrorist in Manhattan chatter while eating a chowder that is Tomato based while the maniac terror squadron in New England chatter and chew on a chowder that is cream based. Maps and schematics are being smudged with chowderd digits causing more of a louder chatter to resolve the soupy discrepancies.
A Ryder truck filled with fertilzer bombs pulled into the wrong destination and towels on heads were ripped off and used to scrub maps. The New England teams dirtied towel heads caused a cream stain which attracted dirt n dust and insects with snack lust. The Manhattan scumbag brigade had towell heads that were reddend and chunky style with a green bean mush that caused Habeeb to pinch nose and wreck the Penske truck into the vacant shipping yard. Kaboom! The result, Habeeb never met Allah..... but soon later an innovative insurgent designed a new Palmolive towel hat to conquer chowder.
Learn. Create. Destroy.

Let's Keep Secret Santa a Secret

2007-12-16T19:02:00.000-05:00

I hate Secret Santa. Secret Santa made a bong out of a Pocari Sweat soda. Hes STONED. World traveler is sneaky and stole a bunch of trash thats in a leaky glad bag from Star Bucks. Its on his back and he looks like real Santa. The kids love him cuz he looks PRESENTable even tho hes a bum. Give them a hit Secret Santa. Go on, turn them on to dubbage. Stoned clause lovers long for bong at Xmas, don't they, it aint no secret. Shhhhh Secret Santa is pissed. Im telling all his secrets to his entourage of kiddos. Oh well bitch, Clause Flaws are enriched in criminal spirit. And thus thy Holy Ghost will shitteth in your pretty flying deer carriage for stoning Cristian youths on Christmas. The ghost shit lingers and waifs with angel wings up to your moustached nostril. It is holy shit! And Secret Santa, this miasma from the Holy Ghost will wrinkle thy nose and wreck thy sleigh into a body of water tonight. It will flip on its belly, yet don't be alarmed S.S. You will be able to breath inside. As a pittance for your sin a pocket of air will reside for eternity in thy sleigh.
At some point that horny Donner will bobble up and you no doubt, yes, you will procreate with him I know it! Thus making deer sized sea monkeys that will havoc up the ocean. Why kill Christmas for the innocent sea animals!
These "Santa's little hoofers"(deer seamonkeys) will after years of exploring will eventually find the beloved S.S. Titanic. Oh dear, they will then aid the offspring of the children (now deaf n dumb adults) in the air pocket of the Titanic. Fiendish creatures these Titanic Kids are, and at times you can hear them crying bad songs they learned from their parents on the AM dial when you raft over the wreckage. The music from this era is spine chunking. Its even worse when sung by flounder raised feral friends in hallow hulls of the Titanic."Roll out the Barrel" loses its festive charm when sung by Helen Kellers, its awesome in its sadness. I secretly have come to love it.
The Titanic Kids are blind and when buoyed up they will be boiled in bad judgement and create so many mistakes that the Land Lubbers will have to put them down. Think about it S.S., Land Lubbers will have a cow when they spot blind creatures in old clothes being walked by hoofed sea monkeys singing Xmas carols. Its official, Santa really does spell Satan when its stoned screwing deer under a sleigh in the middle of the arctic ocean. I realize now that nothing we do will stop your Secret Santa cockcoffinknee. Lets just ignore you then, and go about our Jesus Jam soberly. Just everyone please keep Secret Santa a Secret for b-day Jesus's sake! All I want for Christmas is for the Titanic Tykes to stay alive for my Ham radio enjoyments.

Cheers,
Hollis

Davey, Davey Cock It

2007-12-10T09:29:00.000-05:00

Everyone knows about Davey Crockett's coonskin hat. But why does no one talk about his very innovative coonskin boots? These things were like a terra forma trout line out in the woods. Ol Davey wood runaround hunting and all them horny coons would see that tail jiggling and run after his furred feet. Ol Davey would just cock it back n shoot. A horny coon never had a chance. Dead male coons were spermed up and had a very tender tangy meat. Plus the hydes could make all kinds of apparel from hats, boots, and thongs with a novelty coon tail penis. He sold the later at Spencer’s Mercantile which later became Spencer Gifts.
Shooting coons was good money but he had to deal with them horny hauntings. Zombie coons would come out at night looking for coon poon and bite on his shoeless sleep feet. He would kick on his bed roll all night and holler and cry in sorrow for them dead coons. He was like the King of The Wild Frown Tears in the evenings. Then by day it was like he had zero feelings at all running around with a raccoon head ontop of his own and slingin a virgin coons backside tail dong with pelt between his cheeks. Despicable demeanor Davey, I hope them zombie coons finally consummate your feet and impregnate those corns with coons wearing Davey dong thongs.

I Hope My Filthy Head is in Some Crosshairs.

2007-12-02T18:09:00.000-05:00

Sept 5th, I think-

Larvae made base camp in ear. Its been full gestation cycle and little ones I see and feel coming out of canal. Post traumatic syndrome has nothing on me at this time. Tied buoy parts and hemp rope around hands to keep from scratching my ears off. Lost hope of anyone looking for me. Ass is wet, itchy, and red. Mouth is so chapped its shriveled into a pucker that cannot move open or close. There is about enuff open to get coconut juice swallows in and mushed banana. If anyone did spot me they would turn the boat around and report back about the creature boy on deserted island. I just hope the authorities shoot me in the head . I cant take anymore suffering. If I could id break down and cry a glass of thirst quenching tears, but we all know I can't.

Jesus Christ Superbowl

2007-11-25T17:45:00.000-05:00

This years Superbowl was a mess. During the half time show Jesus performed and had a wardrobe malfunction and his bonered wiener popped out and blessed half the stadium. This blessing in demise accidentally multiplied all the Hebrew National ball park franks being munched in the stadium. It was a familiar sight as Jesus loves to multiply food. Just about 500 years ago he accidentally multiplied fish and turned Nehi into wine when he waved a stink finger good-bye to a very naughty "disciplined" disciple by that old river in Galilee.
This new turn of events made God the Father cry a river and flood New Orleans again. Every man, woman, and transsexual on Bourbon street loaded up in Party Arcs to keep the party gods appeased. The wet Jews in the ninth-ward ironically were okay with being flooded. This was because the NFL was sending Kilos of the blessed Koshered wieners to the flood victims as pittance. The Jews ate them on soggy buns and converted to Christianity.
As news about the mayhem became front page headlines, an embarrassed and broke Jesus hid out in Pakistan mowing lawns for money. Symbolically his mower became flooded and he needed to "choke his throttle". When he did, Guam exploded and the world really wanted to crucify the poor guy. Jesus, Jesus whats a deity to do to make a dollar these days. I guess keep your peckerwood tied to your leg when your doing a cover of "Doing the Butt" at the Superbowl. I really dont know what the fuss is all about. I dont really get offended, so please, Go on and wave your stuffs and multiply me some chili con queso. Jesus Christ I am ready for some football.

Gourd Decor 2

2007-11-18T15:59:00.000-05:00

Yes my plight listeners, Its that exciting season for our favorite decorations, GOURD DECOR. This year, due to Staggflation and the plummeting dollar I am having to cut back and use in house bric-a-brac and items I have stolen to decorate my Thanksgiving centerpiece. This doesn't mean its going to be shabby looking, nope, it just means I need to get creative. The backbone to this years place-setting is a very nice gourd I dug up upstate while I was doing some illegal apple picking. Its a classic shape with a flaccid penile shaft at the top with a bulbous base, pure gourdness. And as always, I have included my loofah from last years setting as a reminder that yes, that's right, the loofah is a gourd! and not a fucking sponge!
This year as I mentioned has been tuff do to the dollar tanking and the US not being on the Gold Standard anymore. I am not going to get into it but those pieces of paper we carry in our wallets mean Nil now since we got rid of Fort Knox and replaced it with a football field sized credit card that we like to use way too much. To symbolize these problems I have replaced the ram horn cornucopia of abundance with a Chihuahua protective head cone of scarcity. Inside the Cone of Scarcity will house the embodiment of my meagerness- a lemon, some almonds and a handful of Gin soaked raisins for they are a home remedy for my gad darned arthritis I developed this year. We are all in a "rough patch" economically but everyone please have a Happy Thanksgiving. Love to you and to your family. If I believed in a biblical god I would offer a god bless, but I don't. So I will say, may Intelligent Design bless your turkey leg haunches and fillith your Cones of Scarcity with Chihuahuas.

Cheers,

Hollis

A Message to the Brooms I Hate and Them Hors I Love?

2007-10-25T20:33:00.000-04:00

I Cleaned Broom from all the dust bunnies and laid it back to the tile and within minutes another collection has clogged up broom and im bringing broom to hand to clear it off. What bloody good is a damn broom anyway. Im always clearing the straw and germing my person. Should just get down naked and damp and roll around collecting floor crud then hop in the shower and rinse it off. I hate you straws and long stick!!! You cause me nothing but greif and you are worth nothing in this modern age. You did good when floor was dirt and floor crud was leaves. Now we have slick shiny glossy surfaces and straw and stick gave me Torburkylosis cuz I ate hors de ovaries after I swept. Who da think that Dirty dust bunny fingers on a mini quiche could ail me a TB last year and get bits of my important lung cut! I HATE YOU STRAW! I HATE HOW YOU CANT GRAB!!! I HATE THAT STICK YOU ARE ON!!! I LOVE YOU HORS DE OVARIES!!!!!

Whores form the Island of Ovres? Hors de Oeuvres?

I can’t follow shit sometimes watching Pedro (Human Television). That whole last episode of the Hollis Babble with Hollis’s plight against the straws on sticks was all thrown off kilter by a French word I think.. I know he’s a Hispanic Television and words from France will kink his functions, but it makes for jumbled programming that I cannot enjoy. He gets a foreign word and instead of skipping it he goes off on make believe story lines that usually involve whores and pirates. Well to put an end to all this mayhem I am outfitting Pedro with a nice French plug-in, get that Hispanic working correctly again. This is great for home I suppose, but my dilemma lays with the male end of the plug adapter on the portable (Pedro’s Son, Human Television JR). I think it is going to be too small to fit inside the French plug-in. Ill just have to Jerry- Rig it and wrap some electrical tape around them ends to secure the connection.

Human Boob Tube

2007-10-01T10:14:00.000-04:00

Some day maybe ill be able to afford a black n white tube tv. Until then I am gonna stick to my worker Pedro. Hes my human telivision. Watching him for six hours a day really rots my brain but its so damn addicting. If anything happened to him I would be at a lose. I leave him on at nights cuz I have grown accustomed to falling asleep watching him. In the mornings hes still moving his deaf lanquage hands. My relationship with Pedro is a love hate one at that. His son is almost five and is learning the trade. It excites me cuz now I got me a portable.

Anamorphic Jordan the Ambassador

2007-09-23T19:39:00.000-04:00

Michael Jordan has come out of retirement once again. This time hes added 10 to his number to make it 33 and his guru coach changed his head on his jumpman logo to an anamorphic ambassadors skull. He looks better than ever and has been working out with a master goat Shepard in Athens. He has gone from donkey bun arms to looking like Clydesdale asses in little more than a summer. He dunks like a mule kick. His head has morphed into a digitised ambassadors skull to make him more compatible with the updated malware fans and Nike has designed a new air Jordan feed bag to fit his cow in the blanket feet.
Me being a curb crawling drunk beacon who curb travels the streets of Chicago enabling Coach Phil Jackson's voodoo wi fi to transmit across the land, would have to say hes got serious game! My money is on the Bulls this year. Way to transform your shift shaping mess of a body Michael. I also heard but cannot confirm that his trademark fruit of the looms have been shrunk down to a micro thong to streamline and swell his sac of jaweahs to the size of basket balls. Its funny to see his parts swell up when his partner Scotty Pippens head has been shrunken and now dangles around super coaches neck.

Labor Day Parade

2007-09-03T12:51:00.001-04:00

Jenny from pregnant yoga class has the big preg hungries. She has huge cravings for broccoli and spicy vege chorizo burritos and scarfs them down before we begin our limber stretches. When we get down in the cat position, Jenny humbly nails out these labor inducing farts from her lower chakra. Mary was coming out of Cobra pose and got whiff and tumbled back into hunch backed dog and squirted out a female. The newbie is okay cuz she landed on a mat. But, lordy she did look funny sliding across the vinyl flying a placenta balloon in her own version of the labor day parade.

The baby later went into One-Legged King Pigeon pose and cried an OM signifying his upper chakra was full of spitum. A couple of back pats on the newbie against my shoulder and my leotard was drenched in chorizo smelling goop.

CAUTION:

If giving birth in yoga class please make sure you are wearing a crotch-less leotard. If not the precious could end up balled up in childs pose against your bottom chakra kahn. (see above illustration)

his - The female sprung a chorizo turning it into a male! His mother tasted it and confirmed that it too was spicy and vege. She realized she tasted it in public and felt mass shame. Her embarrassment made her humbly spit up chorizo on her leotard.
Lesson: Yoga posing as a dog will make you act like one. Or, chorizo is the essence of life if it is vegan and spicy.

Cow in a Blanket

2007-08-19T19:28:00.001-04:00

I love a cow in a blanket. A nice beef burner blanketed in a doughey granny quilt. Its nice to think of the edible heffer all snug and comfy laying on an oiled pan bed. What is almost better than eating a bedded bovine is to sneak a peek through the bedroom oven door and see a sleepy mound with a flakey browning duffet, sizzle snore with grease sneezes in a 400 degree nap shack.
Its disrespectful to sneak peeks of catatonic high caloric cattle I know. But the bottom of my stomach is dusty from a lack of the food broom coming through.

After 10 minutes its time to remove the peaceful morsel from her slumber. My heart is in trouble for the cow insists on traveling with her blanket, its a security thing. These travel requests have weakened my heart as they are usually hoofed chunked almost immediatley once these heffers enter the party that is digestion. These disregarded dough blankets which are covered in grease sneezes pile up and clog up my artery freeways. Heart has a hell of a time pumping blood through my comforter cluttered passages.
I need to come up with a solution cuz heart is red with anger at the mess these visitors are leaving. I will ask heart to adevetise on a stint to the cows that a blanket party awaits in my stomach and it is wise to hang on to blankets for the whole party. Blankets can really sweep up a dusty stomach and its a win win for me and heart if those lard soiled bedspreads bypass my ticked off ticker and broomed my belly instead. Im on to something here and the oven heat has really made me sleepy. Sleepy like 20 hens in a sleeping bag.

Grow a Pair

2007-07-30T19:47:00.000-04:00

My Sister Daughter Niece just moved to NYC. She misses Texas a bunch and had a massive breakdown. I told her to hunker down a grow a pair. She couldnt and cried for days while snorting horny-goat weed for her hungovered head. The horny goats built up crystalized testosterone tears that clogged up her emotional flow. Well the damming ballooned and she grew a pair right in her tear ducts. Nice danglers. She was now able to socialize and cavort town without wettening her facial. Dry-eyed and goat weed high she hit the pavement to find a job.

The weeks went on and her new found ability to never to be phazed-face and cry-eyed, well, made her cocky in her vocabulary. Cocky can sometimes be confused with confidence and she landed a whopper of a high paying job. A cocky mouth cant function without something to feed it so she went on and grew a pair right on her bottom lip. nice saggers. I was a little jealous.

Over a bowl of unshelled sunflower seeds at the Brooklyn Ale House we discussed her new job. She had changed allot and it was like a different person there in front of me, sucking seeds. She was, very real, but, very fake. Seeing my well hung Sister Daughter Niece functioning so falsely in NY made me regret the advice i gave her. I reflected and thought that maybe she did need a good cry. I know its hard up here and maybe she needed to let it out. Maybe she was fine without balls on her face. As I gazed at her scrotum jabbering away I thought, damn I guess the saying is right. There are reasons why .you need to fail first before you suckseed. So I racked her in the mouth and threw down the bowl of snacks and two wettened slits appeared in my eye holes. I couldnt hold back anymore and A flash flood tear poured out of my pupil pussys and carried us back to Texas to get our bearings straight. It was a wake up call for both Unkle and Niece. We bonded over some bean n cheese tacos and returned to New York Shitty to conquer that town without wearing our inner privates on our faces. We are much better for it to this day.

Side note: If you suckseed without failing you could bloom a sprout right in your mouth balls. Very painful and ugly.

Disclaimer: No Sister Daughter Niece's were hurt during the modeling of this babble. NO scrotums were sewn on the model for the painting. They were actual "show-ers" from Harry and Corn Bo (not his real name) that were gently laid upon the S.D.Neices face for sketching. Please dear Sibling Lovers dont tell our Mother Girlfriend!

Yours in Plight,
Hollis(Drunkle Brother Mother)

Internetting Me a Man

2007-07-10T19:14:00.000-04:00

He was a great date up until he tried to blow sweet nothings in my ear on the sofa. For dinner he had a big brontosaurus burger, which made for a mouthful of problems. The sofa hornies got him touchy and he went in and blew Meat Somethings in my ear. Gristle and earwax makes for a very grody ball on a manicured nail! It was a Brahma Bull of a ball too, and had an opaqueness with a gummy tacky character. I cocked back the nail and flicked for mentioned ball in the direction of the egress and told Meat Somethings to make like a Chick and get the Peck out of my living room. Blue balled and embarrassed, Meat Somethings retreated to his sad masturbation pad.

My next Internet date was worse. He invited me over for dinner at his apartment. Pad was elegant and faggy with lots of macramé and Hindu iconage. He had a mix of foot and food fetishes and belonged to a charity organization called heels on meals. The members stepped on donated food for the helpless and lazy and wheeled the meals to the lackadaisical clientele. During our meal he got all horny and heeled my mash potatoes and sniffed a sock. I tip-toed to the door and yelled "you need to date a spud bud this dates a dud" and gag refluxed to my Jetta. I need a good man with mouth full of bad sayings to get me horny. If only nana was a man and we were unrelated id be balling her now.

Shoe Polish Sundays

2007-07-01T18:42:00.000-04:00

Dunlop Bees, The Race of the Races.

2007-06-25T11:50:00.001-04:00

Survey says that lightning bugs are free thinking flies that gussy and spruce up outer fur for an illuminescent jolt of hey look at me. In the insect world things like "glow ass" happen all the time. It is a magical tiny nano world they exist in and sometimes it can be quite sinister. Take for instance the Dunlop Tire mask culture of the Sugar Tusk bee. These bees are real nano and fly at speeds so fast that the human eye cannot detect them.
They hang around mostly Nascar tracks around the USA and prey upon the race fans. The Sugar Tusks have adapted a mosquito like suck face to gather blood in them guts from the race victims to pollinate their grotesque human fat hives. They have turned to humans for pollination because the race tracks and car parking lots have destroyed there environs and pissed them off badly. The amount of sugar in the nascar fans diabetic blood has caused the formation of "sugar tusks" on their pretty insect haired faces. Saddened by these tusks these Bees have outfitted masks depicting the Dunlop tire logo to hide their MANipulated facial features.

Nascar fans love a biblical God and have human selfish answers as to why insects have things like "glow ass" and the like. Little do they know that glow ass is not intended to smile up a human child's face. It is intended for illuminating a race track path for a team of Dunlop masked Sugar Tusks to penetrate a fat child's arm and secure the survival of their insect race. The pissed off adrenaline these nano suckers have flowin inside will eventually toxify the entire race of race fans and extinct them before the checkered flagged bee swatter can even be made.

Sad Dame Hussying

2007-06-18T11:53:00.000-04:00

The Dame is always depressed while she cavorts and has been known to give the occasional crying felatio. These acts have given her the name Sad Dame Hussying. I read in the post that shes “swinging now”. She was on a rampage in her country and her greed for “the need” made her hussy up the land. If only she listened to my favorite dolly I rock back n forth with at night things could have been different. Dolly is a Llama and is wise beyond belief. My Dolly Llama has made me realize that greed of needs and wants only bring sadness and funk and others angry at you. Poor Sad Dame Hussyin was seen swinging in public even without a hood. Her face is puffy and needs an attack from a shaving kit. It would do her good to stick that mug in a burlap sac for Allah sake! Im about to throw up my tandorri looking at it.

Respirator Cowboy

2007-06-11T21:51:00.000-04:00

The respirator cowboy awoke in the noon day sun on his bed roll. He will need a filter change if he plans to ride another day in the Ozone alerted Dallas skies. The holed up skies are his nemesis and his canvas. He loves attaching aerosole hair spray containers nozzle down on the soles of Horsie's hooves. A ride around town trot spraying hairspray seems real dumb to most. But to the respirator cowboy its pretty neat to know that even though he has no car and little money that he too can contribute to the American dream of swiss cheesing the sky and annoying the rest of the one off freak show that is planet earth.

Drink from your xxx jug via a tube you contributor of pollutants. You are the new drunk American hero. And I am your brethren, the stilts wearing Indian with spray can shoes running a country mile in suburban sectors everywhere, spray painting a tag thats 15 years long. Hiya wah wah shoosh shoosh click clack, I am hauling can man.

House Sitting For Pearcy and Carla

2007-06-07T09:36:00.000-04:00

Bernice Jones,

So sweet of you to watch our home while we in Camden. We are staying in a nice place but we find it troubling that we have no whole in the bed frame or a bed post to secure our overnight luggage too. I packed a chain and gym lock for securing cuz you can never tell when you are visiting over the pond. Found some nice collectables and ive been dumpster diving lookin for enough newspaper to wrap em up and mail em. Got one or 2 of them with bernice jones as the receiver. Pretty nice place this Camden is. Red dirt and you can see your shadow in the moonlight. If you have any questions about the home or land call up Hamby, his number is written on notebook paper rubber banded to the extra key. He does a trash haul to the dump with the wire cage trailer every Thursday, so fling your filthy fodder in there Wednesday night. I know Hamby is scary with his slobby exterior and his pack of Dalmations but he can help bring buckets of spring water from the pump for your monthly water supply. He is also good at killing cotton mouths out in the out house if one crawls up for a nap in there. Also, dont mind the Daddy Long Legs around the property. They are mad poisonous but God gifted them with nano mouths so small they cant bite ya. Well, we are off collecting and decided to gym lock the luggage to sink pipe. Love ya like a sister not a lover,

Pearcy and Carla

To Butt Slide Back In Time, If Only!

2007-05-31T12:53:00.000-04:00

Deare Brillant readers of the hood,

In hindsight 20/20 i would'nt have done things differently. In hind leg 30/30 I would still do the same. But, in hind foot 40/40, now then, i would not have chalk written hop scotch with 2 oo's. This makes it hop scootch and watching 8 year olds butt slide on my side walk is disturbing. Plus it makes me look pervy and im not. All I was doing was being a good community player by allowing these childs axess to play on my proberty. Im sorry, butt Im just a really bad speller. I love watching an adult scootch while drinking a scotch so maybe I'll just piss write that on Yall's yards and see if you come over.
Sorry again for being a community player and getting my ass handcuffed and labeled a peddi. Thank you very much overreactor son of bitches for ruining my assie life.

Jat P

Pardon Me Boys

2007-05-24T11:39:00.001-04:00

Pardon me boys, but is that the ChattyNuggie Choo Choo? If so im very Chatty Cathy and im so craving some nuggie. I could nuggie a head from the caboose all the way to the coal car if you know what I mean. The coal car is the best place cuz I can nuggie with a miner face on, you see my point?
Camp town lady is nine miles long doo dah doo dah. Camp town ladys real long boys so I need to get down to the Bare Necessities, those simple Bare Neccesities to forget about my worries and my wife. My wife is all up on me shit for coming home with a sooty mug on and getting them pillowcases all blackened.
Like I said, Im very Chatty Cathy, and my goal this afternoon is to be coal miner face and in a head lock getting a nuggie atop some coal bouillon going 15 mph down some tracks. This is all I crave right now! Make it happen boys. Make it happen. And I apologize for pardoning you at such a late hour.

Uncle Nuggie

2007-05-13T17:03:00.000-04:00

My Uncle nuggied me with his knuckle right on my noggin. Then he wet willied me and when I was all trying to dry my ear hole he went right into an Indian rug burn then frogged me in the thigh. What moves he has. What badass combos. When I went to kick his shin he Jumping Jacked and caught my leg then twirled me to the ground and he proceeded to kick my ass in leg wrestling, all while singing the Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha song. God I hope Im as cool as him when Im 33.

Home Remedies pg 57:

2007-04-20T09:21:00.000-04:00

Hi Plight Listeners,

This is a page from my book on home remedies that I have been working on for a couple of years. If you have some yourself, please feel free to leave a comment and I will include them if they are any good. These have worked for me in the past and hopefully they will save you a trip to Eckerd’s. Have a happy Friday!!!

Yours in plight,
Hollis

Acid Reflux- Use a dollop of toothpaste and place on tongue. Take deep breath and swallow. Toothpaste is a flux coater fer sure.

Chest Pains- Thistle Root with Honey Comb cereal. Beat on back to induce a cough and hopefully cereal will get into chest and comb through your pain.

Q-Tip- Dish rag rubber banded around a pencil

Vapor Rub for Chest Cold- Crisco lard mixed with horseradish. Mix these two ingredients together for a nice concoction base. Take base and smear on sicky’s chest and up nostril if sicky is stopped-up. Sicky should take deep breaths and avoid being around pets. Dogs like rank crap and could wrestle a flu victim to the ground quite easily for a chance to snack on a nasty concoction like that.

Athletes Foot- Make a dredge bath with flour, milk, lemon pepper and soot then Coat the foot. Run with your flounder feet on hot pavement till golden brown. Dip your chicken fried feet in cream gravy. Should rid your peds of athlete’s foot and make a wingtip smell like a hardy grub.

Sleeping Pill- Cant sleep? How about you take a jog for an hour. Can’t jog? Do some math.

Impotence- Take a bee and rub stinger on flaccid friend till your mouth is wide open and you are screaming like a Cheyenne. Note, your pee pee will inflate on the outside but stay fragile and weak on the inside. This will give you the ability to penetrate a lover but I doubt he or she will allow you to after you just had sex with an insect.

Groin Gurgle- Bake a rag that’s been soiled in flour milk at 400 degrees for 5 hours. Frost the rag cake with butter n pumpkin guts and place in some tight panties for the ladies or Leo’s for a bro. Make sure rag cake aligns right on the tender taint. Wear this for 8-10 days repeating the rag cake ritual everyday. This should bust your gurgling creeky groin and make you walk normal and silent again. Please understand that this is only a theory as I myself have never had Groin Gurgle. This was passed down to me from Hollis Sr.

Yanks Are Harnessing Energy From My Kin

2007-04-15T17:40:00.000-04:00

Ive discoverd something flat out disturbing, my great great cowboy unkle was buried up north. He was hatcheted by a native woman as he had his backside to her panning for copper nuggets in a creek bed. She was a wida injun and her pissed off passions put an end to my kins life. Scalped and gutted he was buried and them southern bones will fidget for eternity being blanketed in that Yankee soil. I myself have never felt it but some say when you walk across a civil war cemetery up north you can feel a small earth quake from them southern bones shaking from southern soil withdrawal like a heroin addict craving horse.

Brings a tear to my eye thinking about it and I read in Entrepreneur magazine that some Yankee Doodle Dandy has harnessed the energy from shaking southern bones to recharge his cell phone. Plans to make a fortune by selling a cup of good ol' boy finger bones in Yankee soil with an ac/dc adapter coming out of it. It makes my goiter pucker just thinking about the sacrilege he's committed. He says hes thinking Green but in my book hes thinking Mean and he better stay on his side of the Mason/Dixon line. If he dares cross it Ill put his bones 6 feet under a layer of Sweetwater red clay. We all know what happens to Yankee bones when they are buried in southern dirt. They turn into credits on my Skype account and im in need of some badly. Texas is a big state and calling from Lampassas to Nacodoges will bankrupt your butt if you are calling from a land line. Im down to just a jar of crushed Yank humerus bones and that will last me about a week.

PeePaas Chub Hunt

2007-04-08T18:43:00.000-04:00

Peepaw got him an easter kit from PAAS. He is swirling some hard boils in a pink dyed liguid in a rusty old coffee can. That can was used to house old orphaned screws and bolts and he may need a tetnis shot after arts n crafts class. His friends call him Chubs cuz his belly is big from snackin up all of his rejected art. He egg farts cane walks around the assisted living center looking for inspiration. His new batch of eggs are inspired from last months Prevention Magazine cover. When hes not dippin shell hes doing a makeup mirror reflection inspection of his gray pubes for hidden treasure. Just like an easter egghunt in the grass, Chubs saw his precious and tickled a nut under his gut.

Chinatown Exchange Rate: Poor

2007-04-04T08:43:00.000-04:00

New boombox only plays at high volume and you need a brick to keep CD cover down. I was not amazed to find that the technical instruction manual was a preschool drawing of stars. I returned to the Chinatown store for a remedy. Asking to speak to the management I was directed to the "first officer". He was a tall man with flat face, asian eyes and wore dirty t-shirt with a name plate that was in China scratch. He spoke with a yell and I could never get a word in edge wise. Trying to communicate universally I tenderly force fed him some sign language, which caused fingers to get stuck in nostrils and eye outlets. First officer flat face got red with anger and soft ball pitched my deaf lanquage hands out of his face holes. I got a warranty explanation in Korean and went on my way cord dragging my Coby boom box like it was a dog

I Smear Wear My Passions

2007-03-28T19:56:00.000-04:00

Pipe me up some I wanna smokee.
AHH good tokes.
Hehe its comin out my nose.
Hooka me some more toke.
Lovely foggy white.
Meerchem carved sailor pipe me
up with tobaccee, i loveee!!!
I just ash right here in my
coat pocket like so. I love saving the memory
of my coughing tear eyed smoke sessions you know.
Im feeling my hand deep down in my pocket for a good memory.
Here look at this dark ash on my pivot finger. This was
purple rose tobacoo. It had an oakie flavor with a hint of
petal posturing in the after taste. It was great after the
noon rains we had on Friday. I packed that purple tobacco
solid in my corn cob and watched a dying pigeon on the stoop
choke on my exhaust. Lovely memory it is, and now it has
transformed into a purple finger thats going a fingering
right here in your ash tray. Im dirty now. I assume people
think im a filthy fool when really im just a sad man covering
myself with my carcenagen memoirs.
I live for the toke and it shows.

The Perfect Valentine

2007-02-11T18:08:00.000-05:00

To invent a perfect, flawless, all encompassing St Valentines day gift was the passion and life work of Albertus Sundrake. To accumulate all the essence of erotica and beauty into one object was the conundrum and it challenged him for many years. He tormented his hormoning craving body to figure out what this object would be. This object would have to be classy and sexy at the same time. He thought "What about a chocolate pair of breast". YES! To take a boobie and press lip and tongue on the finest rich dark Belgium chocolate would be erotic, um yes. But after an hour of sucking and licking, the titillated users face would be a smear of stool brown and the erotic object would be a nipple less muddy mound. Not an appealing thought he pondered. Puzzled and turned on he thought about sapphires big enough to sit in the clavicles of his lovers neck. A beautiful poetic thought this was but it softened his pecker bad. A soften peter has no place in a Valentine evening affair and the notion was dropped. To stifen himself up again he thought about his lover approaching him in a critter crawl with a rose between her teeth and wearing only soft delicate classy panties. This thought was it! The culmination of these two alluring elements produced a baby of erotic design, The Pantie Rose my friend was born.

After several years of prototype after prototype he thought he had it perfected. The main ingredient was a beautiful classy La Perla satin red G-string pantie. It was carefully folded origami style in the shape of a magnificent Souvenir du Docteur Jamain rose. This particular rose captured the true beauty of St Valentines day with its vigorous and refined petals and its knack to be very floriferous when in bloom. What a prodigious flower and the pantie of course would also need that deep and heavy scent of port wine that the gifted floret exhumes. Albertus purchased several packs of panties and planted them inside barrels of port wine. This was key to getting the scent in the satin but it also had a very serendipitous result. To be intoxicated by panty port made for a very randy inebriation and he partook in a solo tasting party very frequently. This no doubt stalled the production and half-assed the rest of the object. Instead of taking the time to cast an actual stem in the finest porcelain. He settled on using a pipe cleaner wrapped tight with green electrical tape with a unsightly construction paper leaf hung hastily near the top by the well thought out, fragile undergarment. This grim gallimaufry of exquisite beauty and jerry riggin hit the market. It was a huge flop.
The heart break was unbearable. He drank straight from the tap of the pantie porter barrels and a pantie planted it prettiness in his pie hole where he nearly choked to death. Drunk and distraught he shunned society for years.
He was lured out of his funk by his lover who, on St Valentines day presented him with a generic Chinese plastic pantie rose with rough unclassy thonged pantie petals. Outraged and with a vengeance, he went to work to ceramic coat the stem and make the beloved pantie rose what it was meant to be, an object of meaningful grace and beauty. Something a mother would pass to her daughter as an heirloom. A relic of erotica per say.
Not only did Albertus achieve this feat he also went on to make all kinds of undergarment plants for all kinds of butt sized women and plant lovers alike. Including the largest flower on earth, the Rafflesia arnoldii which was made from the finest and largest Lane Bryant full bottomed panties. To keep "god in the details", he had to stay true to the flower and soak the panties in tubs of yuck containing dookie and animal decay. This is because when in bloom, the Rafflesia emits a repulsive odor, similar to that of rotting meat and is often known as the "corpse flower".
The chubby public was outraged at the thought of plump women exhibiting themselves in fetid fashions. He was once again a failure and went swimming in tubs of yuck till he overdosed from Hep A.

The Moral: If by any chance you receive a pantie rose this Saint Valentines day. Please remember Albertus Sundrake's passionate story. There is more to an erotic novelty than just a horny Asian man trying to make a buck. Usually there is an aroused genius in the background who went through failure and pain because of his obsession with finery and details.

Home Room Hot Flash

2007-02-06T20:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr Men, Managers of Teachers,

I cant seem to wake up and I am late for class in the mornings. Its a big problem and there is no solution Mr Men. I love to sleep in. Im cursed with the open eyes at night. I stay up writting poetry and go to bed about 3 am every evening. How the hell does Mrs Clary think I can report to 8am class? She knows im a poet first and a student second. Not only does she continue to make me an example every morning but she has the nerve to call me Tardy in front of the class. I find this very hummiliating to me and Clifford the mentally retarded man student sitting in the back. Clifford must be 40 and I have little in common with him! I do not have down syndrome face nor do I wear a crash helmet dear Manager of Teachers. But Mrs Clary seems to continue to draw up parellels between us. It must be her now defunct female gonads screwing with her vision, it is absurd. Plus, her hot flashes are making home room clamy and sticky. And what about Clifford? The poor man gets made fun of enough as it is. Mrs. Clary should be fired for her poo poo prose she afflicts on me and Cliffy every morning. See to it that massive action is brought upon her menopausing ass. If nothing is done about this matter I will be forced to transfer to another school. This will be a great shame for your institution to lose such a talented poet as myself. Be warned that before I leave I will absolutley go Oscar gone Wilde on her fast food fanny. And you can believe that Mr. Men.
I hate to threaten you sir, but if nothing is done I will go nautical and cast away from your Educational port and poet my babble on a yonder campus lawn!!! Also, whatever dirty laundry I exhume from your gross academy hamper I will joyfully unveil from a megaphoned mouth!!! Believe it Mr.Men. Torrential Tongues a twisting the torment concerning Tardy will crush your career!

Very sleepy and pissed,

Kindred Humphries
Poet LarryHat Extrodinare
6th Grade, Mrs. Clary's Home Room

Flotsam Reasearcher

2007-02-05T10:28:00.000-05:00

I feel another black eye coming on and its not fair. I hasten to gander what kind of fight i will become apart of tonight. Last night my hooded sweat shirt was ingeniously turned into a carry all bag and it was full of stinky sea flotsam which caused the patrons of Dandys to plateau their smiles. All uptight and aggro they flung my poor hoody to the sawdusted peanut shelled floor(why irish pubs are okay with nut litter is beyond me). Not understanding the importance of my research on the biology of flotsam the drunk snarled face short order cooks gallavanted on my ocean debris turning into a frenzy dance that encompassed kicking my research out the door and sticking hankerchiefed assy in my face. Well I explained im all about the love and would rather snuggle cuddle and kissy rather than brawl punchy and fight. They retorted with an upper cut smack which I hasten to tell you my listener- it caused a smiled glasses wearing scientist to swell shut his eye!!! A Patrons margarita ice slush compacted eye swell as I ran to the egress. The politics of communication is something i really need to study. Im always putting my loafer foot way up in my pie eater.

KIDDOCITY

2007-01-10T22:13:00.000-05:00

Parents have you heard this before from your tiny guy? "Im 12 and I easily get stressed out mom!!!. I flip wig a bunch Dad, so off my back!!! Dammit Granny, stop spitting on a kleenex and wiping my face with it. No flipping wonder I have Mono!!!"" Haha, when these little pip squeks say words like these it leaves me upchucked and upset. Why does a sappling need such torrential conflict in his or her head I ask? Well guardians of tykes, It doesnt. I believe I have come up with an answer to change those tunes in your moppet's minds. The answer is leaving them at my house. Leaving them at KiddoCity. Let me tell you about it.

Imagine a place were a kid can be a kid. A place where a child person can indian sit with hands in a "okay sign" and head with clarity in pursuit of nirvana. Now, Imagine your kiddo with sweaty brow from a hard core frisbee session, sitting humming a mantra so ear piercing it makes all the neighborhood dogs bark and whine like there is a freaking parade of firetrucks trucking down the street.(dogs hate sirens because they think its a screaming demon dog) This is an Oasis for whipper snappers.This is a sanctuary for youngens. This is Kiddocity.

Kiddocity is refuge where a little one can hover in a calm mind and hum up some Aums, Auuuuuummmmmm Auuuuuummmmmm. Its beautiful. These little womb bullets were shot onto this planet to sponge up the worlds tension. They need kiddocity. They need rooms with conducive lights to help with concentration on their breath to aid in reaching their core selves. Thereby I have outfitted my car port with dangling candle chandeliers. Munchkins sit around these dangling lumen generators on bean bags and all share suck with long communal straws on a giant Capri Sun hookah pack. Further more they need an open place to bath together for joint aura scubbing. Thus,they need to be in my house, I have 4 ground level tubs for washing meditativly relaxed parts. Besides, It is fun for them to pretend they are a soapy wet Buddha.

These buccaroos are beautiful and natural with pretty thoughts , emotions, and physical feelings. Once in Kiddocity these wee munchkins can experience being on the same cosmic naked level as myself. I am there molding and touching their ripe minds n parts to sculpt adolescent powerhouses who know how to feel compassion for themselves and others. After a touchy mind molding session, I like to enforce a 10 day silence period.This is to let them forget everything that has happened. Its a secret your kids will hold dear to them for the rest of their lives. Let me take care of your pip squeks, go on and worry about money and your job. Here at Kiddocity, its free! There is no cost to you or your child. Free of worry and free of clothing when the doors close.

Take em kids down to a kiddocity where the clothes are off and Aums are breathy!!!! Why dont you please take em. Auuuuuum.

Bronzer and Spliffzen

2007-01-07T17:21:00.000-05:00

I apologize for being away so long my plight listeners, Ive been on a 3 week bender. Visiting home this holiday season, I unfortunatley ran into Bronzer and Spliffzen my 2 favorite party reindeers. Bronzer is a glamour buck with a shaved to skin coat thats been fake tanned to a copper bronze. Just above his braided tail he has a magnificent tramp stamp tattoo of a Santa with yin yang eye balls. His hoofs are usually painted glitter speed boat gold or sometimes he will add little touches to the hoofs to mark whatever holiday it is. Hes been on the South Beach diet for awhile and his ribby torso and heroin eyes completes his model appearance.

Spliffzen, on the other hand is way more urban with his Yak hair tail and ankle hoof weaves. He is very robust with a chiseled chest and is the only carnivorous deer I have known. This deer loves to party and he scared the pack at the last gathering when he came out from a squat pissing behind a birch on two legs. He had stuffed lit spliffs in both tear ducts, ear holes, nostrils, and about 5 in his mouth. Arm legs were flailing and he was wheezing an awful zombie noise while dropping droppings. The pack dispersed in all directions with hind legs a kickin in some kind of defense mechanism reaction. Crazy pot faced deer scared the bejesus out of me and I high tailed it back home. Im sobering up with some horny goat weed tea and have stored all the knives in the basement in case these week long hangovers give me the stab tendencies again. Whipped this little letter to keep you informed.

Yours in Plight,
Hollis

Comments from the Patron of the Food

2006-12-14T09:53:00.000-05:00

Owner of eating shop,

You expelled some odors upon the dinner.A plume of stink that feather fell from the HVAC upon our courses! It reeked havoc and i would have taken off my socks and stuffed the AC exhaust pipe myself, but i was on a date and i didn't want to show my special one my ankle dirt scars. Odors so bad I nor my companion could finish eating our fried foul meals. I appreciate the time it takes to defeather the foul and baste n simmer and everything, but smells are just as important in culinary preparation as are ingredients. Take these things under close inspection. A person who consumes ye grub Dear Sir should not have to smell ye burned cankerous chicken udder no more! I am very handsome but that does not mean I am a deodorizer of ye establishment. I am merely easy on the eyes and have next to nothing to do with scents. Pardon my intensity but the miasma coming from the duct zapped 3 years off my life. Thank you for your attention.

Patron of the Food

Turkey Journal

2006-12-07T21:08:00.000-05:00

Turkey Journal Nov 24-

Thanksgiving was rad. Had an amazing turkey and found a heavenly bite that really captured that Thanksgiving spirit. May keep her around to suck on and see what she's all about. She has a gorgeous build.

Turkey Journal Dec 5-

Sweety lost her flavor. This turkey bite finally lost her taste. I have chewed on it for 12 days. Kept putting turkey bite in petri dish before bed.
I cant even bare to swallow her. She was tender and gorgeous. Now that it is all said and done i may make tiny wig and google eye her front to preserve her in human form. Would be rad to yank a hair out of my head and use it softly to paint little lips on her. She is still damn pretty even though her essence has been suckled out.

Turkey Journal Dec 8-

Decided that maybe its best to coat her skin in urethane to protect her from collecting the stench from my place. The miasma from my pad makes most visitors choke. It must be my shoes next to my brisket bites from Easter. I really need to invest in some odor eaters for my kicks, they could reek run a mile on sheer odor power alone. I should also invest and have Sweety bite immortalized in bronze.A hard metal with a green patina could mimic her natural putrification. My taste buds have salivated a river just handling her.Im gonna search the carcass in the fridge for her sister. Sister will be older and less tender, but Im at a loss here and I need something with a little zesty zing to suck on.

What I Really Want

2006-11-26T17:33:00.000-05:00

Wanted: Hot Coffee

For: My Hole

Hi im a plastic bag. A 3 ply Hefty sac. I want hot coffee. You can put it in my hole. I like the coffee to melt my bag sac so trash can empty out onto the street when hired hands fling me to the curb. Ill take spillage from your cup even.You need to make way for cow cream and fake chemical cane sugar for your roasted shredded bean beverage anyway. So go on, dump it in my hole to drip around into my sac lining. Melt my flingy bag!!!! My hole is easy to spot. Its between my cheeks that hold half n halfs, wholes, skims and sugary condiments. Use my cheeks. Use them to sweeten your tall grande vente cup of bean broth. I am at your service. You make me melt!!!! I need a good flinging you caffeinated chugger! Please pour coffee in my hole. I really love it. Why would anyone not enjoy it?

Spiced Poultry Reward Revoked!!!

2006-11-26T13:50:00.000-05:00

Hi Daddy, you heard whats for dinner? Well its shake n bake and I didnt help. Mommy mad at me and made me go to my room. I had ear on door listening to her shake and it teared me up bad. Now I know I shouldnt call her this but it peaved me off real bad like, and I called her a bitch. Not to her face of course,but to my hand held mirror. I feel terrible but whatever. I think my sentence was a little harsh and she should have taken away desert or something other than shaking. I live for it Paw, all those secret spices being rubbed on some chicken hind quarters in a bag makes my chubby thighs chuckle a bakers groove. Why take away my shake? I mean I'm a little one and im still trying to figure out how to handle stress. The stress developed when Rebecca Mosely came over and had a new doll. I have a homemade doll made from grannies old hose and your old pillow parts. Eyes are buttons and the mouth is knotted hose. Its naked and dank smelling from when it went puddle swimming when it fell out of the bike basket. I love my dolly shes all I got, but she and I both know she's an awful sight and cannot buddy up with Becca's new gabbage patch. Hers was grown in a patch and is beautiful and came with an adoption card. Mine smells like granny toes and when hugged your dandruff bellows out. Becca calls it a garbage dank kid. So theres my issue daddy. I threw a tantrum for a new dolly, Im sorry. But to take away my shake is cruel and unusual punishment.
I want everyone to know that when you are enjoying your shake n bake chicken tonight, that I will be enjoying cussing n bitching in my mirror. This house hold needs to know Im going to need lots of time getting over this shit. Sorry for saying shit. Can you atleast fetch me out the shake bag from the trash and bring it to me. I can put my dolly in there to shake the dank stank away.

Sweet Tea and Sweet Rebecca

2006-11-20T00:35:00.000-05:00

I love Tea and freinds. I think I like tea more but dont tell my best friend Rebecca that, haha. My whole life is either Tea or my sweet pal Rebecca. Tea is something i have been into since I was a wee woman girl living in Russia. Its either tea or becky for me. I still harvest my tea the same generational method but now in NY instead of a field, my plants are in the back alley in a modified dumpster. I grow a sooty looking tea.
The whole process is organic and let me take you through the process. A normal day for me is working my garden grows and helping out Rebecca who the state assigned me to her care. Its a good job and they give me her social security as payment. My day usually starts early. I put on my garden gloves and find a nice tall stalk and pick its buddings and tender tips from my dumpster bushes. Next I lay the leaves on the stoop grates and wither them in the cabbie exhaust then I tend to Rebecca who needs assistance.
The next morning I curl the leaves and ferment them, then I go flip Rebecca cuz she aint able and her eyes are usually stuck to a bag of peas. Around the afternoon hour I grind them tender tips to a fine mixture, then I hoist rebecca out of the deep freeze to thaw out a little bit so she will be ready for tea time. Then about 5 minutes till 4 oclock tea I put the leaves in an old pair of ankle hose and drain dunk our mugs until its a nice gray. We sit and chat and she always needs help. I grab her fancy china cup and force sooty grey in her blue mouth. She enjoys it even though I can be rough sometimes. Im not perfect and helping invalids can really test my nerves. In the hot summer we get along better and I place her cold skinny frame nicely on my lap to keep my parts chill while i drink my hot sooty. After tea i clean up and im so tired, to be honest im pretty rough with Rebecca. I usually just chunk her back in the deep freeze. She dont mind at all. Shes stone cold dead tired too.
Its tough helping invalids. Im real lonely for an old manly looking lady. No body wants me. No body thats warm that is. Warm like good ol smooth sooty.

Heartburn!!!

2006-11-16T16:34:00.000-05:00

My doctor said Mylanta, I was like whew thank god. But then he said enamel, I didnt know what to say. And then he said Anal. At that point I got the hell out of there and went fishing.

Automotive Helper

2006-11-14T10:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Automotive Helper,

I bought your package of automotive helper out of the JC Whitney catalog. Your product is aimed to fix just about any car malfunction. Ive spent nearly 2 weeks dissolving funghi off the drive shaft and muffler since i pulled the corvair out of the pasteur. Been using the Automotive helper Toullene solvent from the kit and ever since then i vibrate in the evenings. Blurry vision and ive been making mistakes alot. Do You guys at Automotive helper have a product to reverse these signs of death? My human condition is flawed and its a result of the solvent.

Cocerned as shit-

Gourd Decor

2006-11-07T17:15:00.000-05:00

Oh babies, It is November and it’s the month for Gourd decorations! Whether they are scattered about homes or bouquet in Cornucopias aka horns of plenty on dining room tables, there is no doubt that gourds are hot this time of year. Now, as we learned earlier in the previous article that a Loofa is a gourd, so feel free to display them alongside your pecans and pumpkins in jubilant place settings . Get creative and fill those loofah holes with nuts, mini squashes, and my favorite, root veges which are particularly eye catching.
Amateur interior designers take note, if you come across a 3-hole loofah as opposed to a 4-holer then you have a lifetime of good luck!!! Its the holy grail of gourds!!! Just like a four-leaf clover or a chunk of albino turkey jerkey, the shit is mad rare and that means luck. If you have stumbled across one then great, it’s a definite centerpiece and don’t even think about putting it under water and scrubbing your filthy dirty skin. That’s disgusting! It would be like TT-ing on your Mamaw’s silk shaw. You are gross. To even think of doing that to Mamaw is absolutely twisted. What in the world is wrong with you!!! I am tearing up now. It is almost THANKSGIVING, one of the best times for home decor and you are ruining it for your whole family. Get a grip my man. Decorate, don’t Desecrate! Love your mate with the animal we ate. It’s a guilt debate I know, but in 98 we all rotate. So there!

Exfoliating Acreage

2006-10-31T19:49:00.000-05:00

Holy mole the Loofah is a Gourd! Always thought it was a sea sponge but i have discovered its a plant. The Loofah aka Washrag Gourd is a plant that you can dry out and scrub your body in the galvanized metal wash tub out on that land of yours. You should handsome yourself a handle from one of the many mesquite trees you have and be sure that handle forks off to dangle some real life mistletoe for holiday kissing baths. Once that happens scrubbing your back down low would be filled with joy to the world. Your bathing maid will kiss clean your ass all in the name of Christmas! You lucky son of a gun! You have got everything you need up on that property of yours. A huge Loofah lot with a lifetime of scrubbers and enough mistletoe to hickie cover ur body. I cant believe you got that place for 4k and it was turn key ready to go.

Caught the Big One

2006-10-26T19:58:00.000-04:00

Went fishing at the beach. I needed to catch some fish to support my large family. Boy did things go pear shape around my third cast. As the line left and the shrimp on the end of my hook catapulted high, a stork came flying by and snagged up my shrimp in mid air! As I looked up in pissed belief I notice an object barreling right at me . Low and behold if the stork didnt drop the baby he was delivering to some other latino family to snag my bait. I reached up and caught the tanned 10 pounder.
Poor wife gonna kill me when I get home with yet another damn hungry mouth to feed. I may take a note from the Stork and regurgitate up my taco dinner and distribute amongst my hollering pride n joys.

I May Be 8 Years Old But I Know Medicine!!!

2006-10-19T07:52:00.000-04:00

That poor duck burped and sneezed at the same time! It ruined his larynx and his quack quack sounds like a muffler with a hole in it. The scientists all came out to see if the duck was being a parrot and was mimicking the motorboats and disrupting the migratory patterns of the other ducks. I notified them of the burp sneeze and told them the only cure was a cough fart combo to relieve the tension on his fowl vocal cord. They looked at me as if I was disrupting science and escorted me off the marsh. I shot them the bird and foot peeled out!
I hauled butt home to get the duck some bean medicine and dig in my little sisters waste basket for a snotty Kleenex. Poor little sis always hacking up something greenish. She produces the main ingredient for the Ducks concoction of viral bean snot rag stew. It cures muffler mouth every time. Makes a person cough toot so hard their eyes sty up.

Marketing Genius in Bad Clothes

2006-10-16T10:03:00.000-04:00

I ate a whole box of Cereal in one supper sitting. Im disgusted with myself and that Tony Tiger. Why he got to make flake taste so good? Im bloated and uncomfortable. Im a 43 year-old man with my finger going down my throat like Im some teenage girl who reads the new Marie Claire. That magazine has improved a bunch. Its not so focused on Pop stars and celebrity US magazine crap. The marketing department at MC should just cut out the middleman and just advertise on the Kellogg’s box. Hell maybe even right on the flake or maybe just include a Marie Claire tongue suppressor in the box for aiding in inducing the tummy trim barfs. If that’s the case, Proactiv should work with Mademoiselle and design a vomit remover facial wipe for those pimple pukers.
Im pathetic and I do most of my clothes shopping at Casual Casualties. After reading MC I know I need some skinny jeans now. The stress is causing me to flail around my sewing box looking for a needle n thread. Im tapering my Old Navy cargos from a baggy to a skinny tonight. I’m a complete and total mess.

Universal Knowledge

2006-10-12T10:25:00.000-04:00

The sun is bright red face today. The ancients say that when its bright like that its embarrassed for being a naked drunk that ran amok with the bare assed moon and the party gods. Not a good day to lay out or you will get an awful humility tan.

Appetizer Toilet

2006-10-07T19:21:00.000-04:00

I have installed my new appetizer toilet in the Kitchen. It sits perfectly right by the breakfast table and matches the rest of my 50’s diner chairs. Its perfect! Nice white ceramic with a bread seat. I just fill the back with Olive oil and toss some calamata olives into the bowl. No need to refill that terra cotta tiny appetiser bowl with extra virgin olive oil. Now, I just sit on my bread seat and tear off a chunk and dip between my legs. Sometimes i grab an olive turd and place it on some torn bread seat, it's tasty.
After about a week when the bread gets moldy i just flush it and bake up a new one. It is so simple to operate and clean up is a breeze. No need for scrubbing bubbles and toilet brushes to clean it. With the appetizer toilet I just grab a french roll and stick it on a wooden spoon and go scrub me up some grub. I got creative recentlty and cut the paper towels in half and stuck them in a TP holder by the salt n pepper shakers. Makes for a dynamic place setting and Frank Loyd would appreciate it’s functionality.
Some day I hope to have a matching desert toilet with a chocolate grahm cracker seat with Strawberry Quik in the tank. Christ, all this thinking out loud has got me concerned about the main course. Can’t see myself sitting on a meatloaf seat with gravy in the tank. Maybe I just saw my oven to table height and move it between my kitchen toilets. Then I can just eat from the pots n pans while the food cooks. Hehehe, that’s fantastic and it smiles up my face cuz I know ive made clean up easier and best of all the food will always stay hot…………….
Still thinking out loud here. I think I can still skip some more steps and make my life better. Now, if I can manage to get a bar of soap to taste like meat then id be set. If that was the case then id never have to clean a dish again. Burb up a bubble and call it a night! Hell, I could just cook soap in bed if there was a pillow burner and id never have to leave my nest again. Even better, I could knock myself in a coma, and shit, Id never have to do squat for the rest of my life. Brilliant efficiency, I love you.

Consumer Review #1

2006-10-06T11:34:00.000-04:00

Tom's of Maine apricot deodorant works for about 2 hours. After that the arm pitt fruit smells like burger and i hate it! Its making me fat. I am trying to be a disciplined dieter and stick to salad. Not working when my own body smells like a burger and pulls me into a Fuddruckers. Jesus I love Fuddruckers

Don't Judge Me, I Can't Help It.

2006-10-03T09:32:00.000-04:00

I tossed the baby out with the bath water and my grandma out with the dirty dish water. Weak granny needed a sponge bath and nagged me bad cuz i used the dirty dish sponge after cleaning her bacon skillet. I just lost it. Picked her up like a duffel and chunked it. I feel bad but i cant help it. Then the bathing baby got tossed cuz no more tears shampoo doesnt work. Yelling clean infant made my pot boileth over with annoyance and the baby got towel slung and i flung it. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. May that smoke punch around that throat and make you choke it! I cant take youth or elderly wet with water i guess. I havent chunked my pubescent son out with the car wash water yet. But I may if he sprays my eyes again with that Armor All. I may just chamois roll him up and punt it.

Babysitting Abie

2006-09-23T12:16:00.000-04:00

Brian-

Abie got tubes in her ears and cant go swimmin without her plugs. Shes also real moody in the mornings and you will need to horsie knee her for a good 20. If she asks for a Bah Bah milk then the formula is in the Pantry. Its by pedyalyte and if you are hungover have some, its chuck full of electrolytes. About noon Abie will need to be laid on stomach and lightly back spanked till she falls for her nap. She may burb spittem so rag her hole. The TV went to pot so she needs to be entertained. I put some entertaining supplies on top of broken tv. Theres a microphone, horse head mask, a bucket and some wooden spoons. She like theatricks so be a good sport and wiggle and giggle up a show. I like to make horse eat from bucket with a spoon and sing a song. She thinks its TV and can watch for hours. Alright, numbers on fridge if anything happens. Help yourself to the Squirt in the garage.

Thanks,
Mrs Burke

I Miss Me Some W.C. Fields

2006-09-19T21:40:00.000-04:00

I Miss W.C. Fields. I miss him bad. That guy loved to eat a good meal of pork chops n applesauce with a wash down of whiskey. I miss his red nose and his yargh yargh voice. He was a real man. He was also a clean freak that liked a washing in a tub with stove-warmed kettle of water.
I bet you didn't know what the WC stood for in W.C. Fields. Well guy, it stands for Water Closet. Water Closet Fields, because he loved being in the toilet room eating pork chops n applesauce and pounding his nose hard until he got it that perfect shade of crimson. Afterwards he would pick up his defecation spittoon (pootoon) and dump it in the fields out back. I miss me some W.C. Fields. The man that is, not the fields behind his house. Those fields smelled like shit and actually, I will be thrilled to never see them again.
A horrible story was told to me by W.C.’s chauffer concerning the Water Closet Fields. It seems that the fields caused W.C.’s poor gardener to get a terribly bad bout of E.Coli. W.C.’s chauffer had to drag the fevered gardener to the middle of the street and pop the manhole cover and hold him in a hover over the sewer so he could bottom vomit it all out. This was due to the fact that all of the toilets were backed up from W.C.'s pork chop remnants and all the pootoons were to small for the gardeners waste. That poor gardener could have been hovered out in the field, but that would be like shitting on your own art I suppose.
Later, the gardener turned shit to gold and did something incredible with those nasty Water Closet Fields. He grew spinach as tall as beanstalks from all the nutrients packed in the soiled soil and sold it in easy to use plastic bags. He amassed a huge fortune and the company is still producing E.Coli spinach in a bag today.

Party!!!

2006-09-15T10:18:00.000-04:00

Dear Party,

Hiiiii party! Im ready. Got my party pants on and took my hangover cure vitamin B, set my alarm clock, and got me some bedside water waiting for when i drunk look for something to wash down a dry heave. Wooo Hooo! Rubbing hands in excitement because beers n therapy are what is going down tonight! Dear party, can we get smashed and otherwise wasted bitch! WORD! I love you PARTY! Please never leave me. We make a rad couple and you smell like lifestyle condems.

Makin it Happen,
Party Pal

Mom Thong

2006-09-12T09:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Swimsuit Illustrated

I saw my mom wearing a thong. She was in the kitchen filling out the grocery list and there it was. Her shirt was hiked up cuz daddy was rubbing her slipped disc back, I guess. She slipped those discs at Sam’s Club lifting cases of Chef Boyardee’s with her back. I know, she needs to lift with her knees but those are shot as well from a varicose vein implosion. I have to say the thong image was an excellent example of what you guys refer to as a whale tail, but it was protruding from her khaki denim mom jeans! No crack was showing which kept my lunch in my stomach thank god.
She called me away from my cartoons to ask what I wanted from the store. I yawn stretched and slumped my way over and turned the corner from the TV room to the kitchen. Then bam, saw the whale tail and gag mouth blurted out a chunky peanut butter request and ran back to toons. The thong has lost all the allure it once had. I loved the thought of it creeping up female crack, but not now it’s lost its magic.
I love your magazine, especially since I cannot buy real porn yet. Like I said the thong is over now. It belongs with Moms. So please Swimsuit Illustrated, please start fading it away. I would like to see models with boy shorts, flat bottom briefs, or hotties with nice low-slung bikini bottoms. Sometimes more is better. Lets hope this fashion craze ends soon and we can yet again return to thong. Im underoo wearing sitting on my feet in my bed thumbing an old issue with a sharpie in hand. Must draw more fabric on model hinny. Can’t wait till next issue. I hope butts got more coverage.

Yours Truly,
Dibrell

Bacon Egg N Cheese on Cold Reality

2006-09-11T09:50:00.000-04:00

It's good for ya guy, it is just iceberg lettuce and tomato with soy mayo on whole wheat. This beauty is low in fat and packed with vitamins. Look at what you are having for breakfast. You got scrambled chicken babies with melted curdled milk slab and a couple of slices of salted pig butt. Why dont you wash it down with a tall glass of stuff that squirts out of a Cows saggy knockers.

Greetings From Fly Eye

2006-09-06T14:24:00.000-04:00

A fly moan is connected to a meat bone. A meat bone is connected to a dog home and Benji has been fighting that sad fly for that carnaged snack attached to the roof of his house all day.
That fly has been so depressed and I am worried. His 800 all seeing eyeballs are all red like they are about to cry. He wishes he could go back to the maggot years when life was easy and you just rolled around and lived in your decaying food 24/7. Old crying fly has to battle a pooch tongue in order to get a bite of marrow nowadays.

The earth is similar with its scientific fly eye located in Utah. The University of Utah controls the 64 mirrored eye balls that stare into the universe looking for remnants of the big bang. The only thing these university scientists are revealing is that the earth too misses the maggot years. The proof is in the condensation that builds up daily in the bottoms of the drums housing the mirrors. These are earth tears! Scientific gossip (data) has been relayed to me that this virgin unpolluted liquid has been used on many occasions as a mixer in a whiskey and water cocktail. This concotion is used to lubricate geek innards with life libations to drunken a well-educated mind, and for what really? These scientists are worse than a pooch tongue! Just be happy we exist. No need to waste millions trying to figure out why.
Mother earth is very sad. She is being forced to catch a glimpse of what caused the origin of her existence. I too would cry 55-gallon drum loads if someone forced my eyes open so I could watch my parents having explosive sex. My own personal parental big bang happening on a fold out couch.

Mousy Girl Mayhem

2006-09-05T16:41:00.000-04:00

Fickle and ferrety sniffingly the mousy girl whiffed a farty smelling scent in her Frigidaire. Scoping through lip smacky morsels and left over partials she eye gazed the culprit. A tenderly ten day aged piece of Saran wrapped porridge. Perplexed at the fact that mousy Monica has never pleasured her palette with porridge she frisbeed the saucer with an icky reflexed shaky arm. The quivers came on strong. These icky quivers roared into a frenzy with head a twisting and tongue ah gaggy. Epileptic and floor flopping Monica floundered free styling forward into the living room quarters. Coffee table top glass became shattered from the icked out mule footed freak out concerning the dilapidated platter. Now bloodied and sore from the glass shard shower she remembered where the poo porridge came from. Handy Man Dan is fond of bland and left his porridge in Frigidaire for fooding future feedings.
Dan brought a panned porridge parcel with him to joint compound repair the wet dampen dry wall. Wet walls make grody gypsum growths that can nauseate a neighbors home. Monica is mad, grossed out and dying. She should have never had let Dan dollop a compound made from a Farina dinner.

Smelly Conjurer

2006-09-01T09:30:00.000-04:00

Good god it smells like rectum belch in her trailer! What the F has she been doing in here? She says seancing the under lords but any angel, demon, or ghost She conjure has got to be nose pinched or gas mask wearing. Smells real close to those dirty drawers that circus bear had on that we found behind Barnum’s tent. Heavens, that bear had the runs from that escargot feed the Swede fed him. His poor paw had to be soaked in a Purel bucket after he played in his runny droppings. Oh Shit! I think I see a gas masked apparition over there checking his blood sugar levels. Fucking diabetes is killing the whole damn planet. Makes me gargle tube fart out heart burn just thinking about all the complex sugars in my diet. Funny, It takes a pinched nosed diabetic poltergeist to make me realize I need to switch to brown rice when I eat china food.

Cowboy Discoveries

2006-08-31T10:50:00.000-04:00

Hold your horsies, now hold them hard. Jim Blazes whats that on your neck? Oats?

LiveWrong

2006-08-29T22:11:00.000-04:00

Lance's arm is strong but his ball is weak. Pumpin hard on a wooden seat he splinters his meat. He packs his swollen pea in blood dope and bike hikes up the Pike. He better yellow bracelet a turnicette until the medic can tweezer pull his spandex open to remove the toothpick sized shard from his overworked solo friend. Coasting down the Fump de Chample' is usually a breeze. Today, going down the hill is a sack race and he only got one hurt ball in and nothing else but dope. Having one strong arm does nothing when you are biking and I doubt his ball can cope.

Titty Town

2006-08-29T10:07:00.000-04:00

Plight Listeners,

Pale green bronze sculpture is the 18th nude art in this town. It has a soft painted light patina and depicts a female with muscle relaxer face. Not to be graphic but her breasts are danglers and the city council felt it was appropriate to display her hussiness in front of the courthouse. Im embarrassed of the nudity. It’s everywhere, from in front of the dentist office, to the rollercade, even inside the Wal-Mart in the automotive department. Tell you what, this town loves itself some nude art. Down at Lake Ray Roberts State Park there’s a butt flexing male body bent in a football hut- hut stance hiking pinecones. If that doesn’t gag your mouth a touchdown, then just ten miles down the interstate there is a chain sawed oak depicting a female who’s pregnant and nude standing in front of the bakery holding a cornucopia full of not food, oh no, but containing the very clothes she needs to be putting back on. Fertility is pretty but keep it private and clothed! Because of this birthing baker I have to go way out of my way to fulfill my sugar-tooth fix. Now, I have to drive 25 miles to the rest area where the Cinnebon's is to get me some mediocre if best cinnes.
Lordy, even to mail a package or do anything postal is a chore. Presently, I have to go to the neighboring town of Rosendale because this town has a bronzer party of 4 nude dudes doing cartwheels and flinging mail from their bags in front of the post office. I asked a local foot mailer employee what he thought the 4 tumbling nude men represented. He said "Oh I guess its fellow foot mailers flippin out and having a free day." A free day! Well I say, this Naked city has one too much titty, tush and pube for my taste. Its not safe having naked sin beaming into peoples retinas. Currently, I protect myself by wearing blinders that are outfitted with a biting stick for the nude pain bruising my pupils. Im a zombiefied Helen Keller walking around trying not to turn into salt. Im so uncomfortable being around so many people being comfortable. Henceforth my concerned citizen, I am going out and painting this town red and dressing it in Calico. Please join me at 4; I will be in the khaki LeSabre outside the fabric store across the street from the nasty pregnant bakers. Wear your blinders and your painting clothes.

Yours Truly,
Miss Dita Von Teese

Buckler Baby

2006-08-28T10:09:00.000-04:00

Baby got baby fat and a beer belly. His frat boy Daddy thinks it real cute to put Buckler non-alcoholic beer in his baba and to parade him around during rush week. Newborn has Prada shades and a toga on. He’s being pulled in a wagon around the keg “pony ride” style by his golden retriever dressed in a bandanna and wearing paw sized flip flops. Baby threw up beer and called his mommy a MILF. It pains me to see this and when I went to put a stop to it his little arm extended up and his index finger and thumb formed a loser L against his forehead. I told him to cut it out. At that point the same chubby index finger went above his lip exposing a mustache tattoo ~. Baby's on a bender so I am backing off.

To Have One Thing In Life

2006-08-25T09:36:00.000-04:00

I've been here for over an hour scouring the baking needs aisle at my local grocery store, Handy Andy. They have plenty of powdered paper bagged containers of All Porpoise Flour, but not a single bag of One Purpose Flour. That’s the main ingredient to the purpose I am preparing tonight! It's the tastiest porpoise I make and it’s mixed so chaotically and harmfully that I need a harness with a 4-foot dangle rope so I can levitate from the ceiling. This enables me to cowboy ride around on my sit-down mixer in the 55-gallon drum of porpoise parts. The last time I had a purpose it literally included my blood, sweat and tears not to mention plenty of spit drool, for I like to bite my rolled tongue outside of my mouth allowing an egress for my endeavor spit-um to mad dash escape.
Lord, to finally have porpoise in my life and to prepare it all by myself in my kitchen is an achievement, and I can be rest assured that there will be plenty of left over purpose to last me the next couple of months. I love having porpoise! This Handy Andy whoever he is needs to carry essential ingredients for people like me who only have one purpose in life. That purpose is porpoise.

Cmon Now, I Cant Work Like This!

2006-08-24T10:16:00.000-04:00

Mrs Reeves,

I stepped in droppings outside of your cube. This is an office and you need to keep your bird at home.

Dan Daley
Operations Coordinator
Lillian Vernon Catalog Inc.
510-351-7654
Dand@lillianvernon.com

Thinking of You's

2006-08-23T09:01:00.000-04:00

Every One of Yous,

We was thinking about you last night. In our vision we had a megaphone handled sword and two fake Ten Commandments foam rock tablets. We wanted you in our living room so we could lecture yell and stabb you for each commandment you broke. Dont mess with sin my friend.

-The Blue Haired Elderly.

Pitiful Pearl

2006-08-22T09:46:00.000-04:00

Pearl,

I ran out of the house with the raid spraying your old Sunday wig. It was late and I didnt realize it was your nice hair until I was underneath the porch light. You must be frozen in a surprise face right now, but listen. I awoke from my nightly nap and went for a pee. Eyes were being fist rubbed and penis was tinkling and there it was in front of me. I swear to god it was some devil creature from mother Africa. I germ hand grabbed it and TT drip sprinted out the screen door. There I drenched that do bad with flying insect spray and lit it up. Its no longer suitable for Sundays, and I wouldnt wear it any other day of the week either. But hey, Brenda is going to help me and do her best to collect some barbershop hair and glue it to my cafeteria hair net i use at the school. It may not look as pretty as your brunette painted cabbage leaf with hay hair wig but it should work for now.
Sorry I killed your do. If it makes you feel any better im gonna pop a sugar pill and get paralydic until your fury blows over. Im sorry, but I truly need a narcotic in my tonic. Im still fighting your hair in my head.

Brother Gil

Wheelies!!!

2006-08-11T09:47:00.000-04:00

Wheelies are rad Bro. I could watch a wheelie on a BMX, Motorcycle, ATV, and even a 4 wheeled Shriner car. Its the ultimate fucking hey look at me statement. If it was possible to wheelie then fly off in a roundhouse kick I think id explode. Id love to chain my ass with bungee and secure it to a tree. Then wheelie off the edge of the grand canyon. Fill the Bike with buckets of wildflower seeds so when the impact occurred I could go back years later and see the impact zone, which is now beautified with blue bonnets and forget me nots.

Hey Babble readers, Ill be away for about a week. The babbling brook will flow when I return. I love all 3 of you. Los Laters Readers.

Romantic Headset Tutorial

2006-08-10T10:21:00.000-04:00

Soft circles in the sand with the tree limb please. If you are going to enjoy this romantic walk you you must draw in the sand slowly and calmly. You are a wad of energy and stress. Flinging tree limb in a radical fast jerky state is not pleasing to anybody. Your red embarrassed face proves to me the extent which you are trying, but if you don't chill out your Nookems will leave you. Okay, offer her your button up sweater, the chilly sea air is makin her shakey. There you go stroke her sides, YES, warm up the nooky! Okay you are smothering her. STOP gyrating shes a fragile twig! OH MY! Okay use you button up and tie her to some rocks under the sea. Hopefully the fishes will give her the tiny careful pleasure your sweet Nooky desired.

Routines

2006-08-09T10:18:00.000-04:00

Been working hard on a new routine. My Suzys have really been a savior. Knees are flinging up and getting my heart rate going. I'm free and sweaty. Not thinking about bills or cheating wife. Everything focused on routine. The myriad of details are insane. I start with 2 1/2 hours of Suzys with a subtle butt slap to check and make sure big ass billfold aint flying from wind-short pocket. Next is a cabbage patch move with my nails digging deep scratching into my chest. Dancing beast I am. Lots of emotion in my dance.
Hip Hop tunes is not an avenue I want to go down with this routine. I need a killer, maybe just a whistle jam I record myself on a cassette. Yeah, a whistle jam will do good during my 30 minute horse trot flash dance run in place step. Weeninny sounds like a horse as my hands make a megaphone to amplify a hay eating colt. Then for the grand finale,30 minutes of a heart pounding gallop with massive billfold checking ass slaps.

Philadelphia Plight

2006-08-08T09:39:00.000-04:00

Liberty bell fell and shattered to pieces last week. The hemp rope held it for nearly 300 years and then just got fed up and disintegrated. Whose job was it to monitor the rope? You cant expect the Jamaican janitor to give a shit about it. He would enjoy the fact that it was hemp but thats about it. Shit maybe he smoked it. Anyway,you would think that after it fell once and got that big crack on the side that made it famous, that the historical society would be on top of things. The Bell has lost all its glory and now it a rubble ruin. Sads me up bad to see "The Freedom Fragments" being displayed in 3 shoe boxes and a bucket for Christ sakes. Its new name is the Containers of Equal Opportunity .
Im all for melting potting it down and making something useful out of it, like a bronze community tobacco spittoon for the town square. It will be the Cuspidor of Independence! The Liberty Spitter! People can make a wish and leave an offering of chewed chew. No rope is needed and a couple of guys can dump it once a week in the Vietnam Veterans Koi pond. I got a Charter for the chew chalice if you would like to sign.

Life Changes

2006-08-07T09:47:00.000-04:00

Girl you'll be a woman soon. At that point you need to get rid of your terra cota nurse shoes and your pom pom socks.

Baby Chair

2006-08-03T11:11:00.000-04:00

Chair keeps ass off ground. Keeps jeans clean and at times can be used to get foodings out from high shelf in cupboard. Crack in chair grabs ass n pants and when body stands up chair comes with. Wherever I go I have a chair. Crack grip is strong and chair is like a backpack for butt. We have a special bond and chair is like little monkey baby and my cheeks are his gorilla mammas lactating breasts.

The World is Yelly and Tissied Over the Cost of Oil

2006-08-01T23:29:00.000-04:00

I don’t know what the big deal is with everyone
freaking out on the price of a Barrel of Oil.
I drive everyday, and I put about 6 quarts a year
in the Buick. It costs me 30 bucks a year, tops.
It is really is no big deal.Also, the price is
like 76 dollars for an oil barrel and all countrymen
and world inhabitants are just raving mad. Too me
it seems about right because I have priced just the barrel or
what they call a 55-gallon drum and it alone is 50 dollars. The oil
industries, I am sure, get the drums wholesale.
So lets say they spend about 25 dollars on a bargain barrel.
Well the rest my friends is oil. Oil is a liquid made from
extinct animals. These animals ate plants and other
animals during their life span then died and we put
their liquid remains in cast metal engines to lubricate
the friction hot parts that make a Buick go. Sounds
creepy and guess what,it is.

Lets get Wallmart on this issue. I say we have a store where
you can purchase an actual barrel. I figure 4 quarts in a gallon,
and I use around 6 quarts a year. Then a full 55-gallon of barrel
oil will last me most of my life. Hell, the store could tack on
an additional 25 dollars per barrel drum and it would still be a
beneficial purchase. We could even go a step further and make the
barrel out of plastic or waxed cardboard like an ice cream
gallon bucket. This would be way cheaper, and the price for
a Barrel of Oil would be lowered for sure. This would quiet the
world’s mouth, and maybe we could pay more attention to the
animals around us and think about what other ways we can
use their remains. Take for instance those foreign Whalers.
They are on to something by turning that stinky whale blubber
into pricey good smellin parfumes and eau’s de toilettes.

Sleep Scale

2006-08-01T09:43:00.000-04:00

Standard whistle has a pitch of 10. Your snore whistle clocks in at if a dare say it 25. Damn nostril belts a pitch loud enuff to penetrate sheetrock, putty and paint! Petrified of sleep. Sandman soft shoes out my door now. Hes waving his hanky and even he now has luggage under eye and cry face on. He bindlestiffed up a polka dotted napkin and tied it to a mop handle. Hes jumping a train to the neighbors house to tap dance Becky and Tina to a holiday siesta. Corona anyone?

Water Friend

2006-07-31T09:43:00.000-04:00

Fluoridation Dept,

Water is cleaning my teeth! They say thanks to you and i appresh. I did nothing to deserve this gesture. I feel like I should clean something of yours to return the favor, so i did. You may notice the filtration machine is sounding better and the UV light to kill bacteria is now a normal bulb. Well last night when I was bleaching the outside of the cast iron pipe line i short circuited the UV lamp and shattered the bulb. Broke out of building and ran to 24hr Home Depot and could only get a grow light. Look into this because no telling what is growing in water now. Maybe beneficial growth. Maybe life threatening bacteria. Who knows but i didnt do any studies for it because we both know that cleaning is a top priority in our fields. A clean mouth and facility is A+, right?

Cleaner and drinker of water-

Always Wet and Dank

2006-07-28T10:45:00.000-04:00

You feel fine today? Cuz I feel damp, real soaked and dank like but theres no liquid
on me.
My senses are dull this morning, I guess.
I went to brush my teeth only to encounter my mouth was full of last nights dinner.
I think it was chicken salad, I actually couldn't tell cuz I woke up in my half brother's mother's glasses and wearing my step dads dirty laundry.
I sleep in my grandmothers room and the lights stay off while I get ready for school cuz my whole brother and pappy sleep.
They work the night shift real good.
They work it so good that the boss man has them doing it 7 days a week.
My neck has a very painful crick in it from sleeping in the twin size that's become my familys hamper.
I think I blanketed up in somebody's moistened night shift suit.
Thus my plight of having the constant damps.

Tucking Carter

2006-07-27T10:33:00.000-04:00

Felix,

Was at the station the other day and i thought of you. Your baggin mouth and your high step shoes always got me hot. Put a stride in my pant. Well ill swing by the store some time and chat you up. I think you do a good job managing the piece of shit. shucks i wish we were closer. Im neckin some dude named Carter now. Hes one upped me in the tube sock tuckin and thats always a plus. Minnie from accounts payable got in alot of Cheese spread and Nan bread from the big meeting so im gonna run.

Ty

Barrel Dump Blower

2006-07-26T11:57:00.000-04:00

Dude in Barrel floating off waterfall is my favorite image to think about when Im in the dumps. Wow, that is crazy you know, a Dude inside a barrel tossing around flipping about. That guy needs to be well liquored up and wearing clean johns for that stunt. Preparation would be nada. You just flip inside barrel. Waterfall engulfs the keg and pops it up and catches the woodened drunk in her soft water body. Splinter-faced stunt man doing stumbling choreography as he exits his craft. Belly up to the bar boy! You need to celebrate blowing everybody’s mind, and you did it intoxicated! Champion!